Go Right and You'll Never Go Wrong
Michael B. Mefford
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2009 Michael B. Mefford
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Introduction
“The most personal is the most universal.”
I heard that saying when I was a kid and I hope it holds true. The reason I'm writing this book is simple: I want my kids to know how to avoid the mistakes I've made and the mistakes I've seen countless others make in my professional career as a psychiatrist. These rules are the most personal things I have to share with my children, and I hope they contain some universal value that others will find helpful.
The title of this book is derived from a saying my grandfather had whenever we got lost: “Go right and you’ll never go wrong.” If we had truly counted on this bit of wisdom for direction, obviously we would've gone around in circles. But it’s the underlying meaning of that saying that has always intrigued me. Do the right thing, and you’ll always be okay. Like many things he said, it is simple and profound at the same time. Why shouldn’t we always just “go right”? It makes perfect sense. And which one of us wouldn’t like to say we had never gone wrong?
So why do so few people heed this advice? I think a big part of it is simple lack of understanding. We don’t know how to go right. As a psychiatrist for adults, children, and adolescents, I kept seeing the same wrongs repeated over and over again. At first it seemed like these were simple mistakes that anyone could make, but the more I was in the business, the more these things became obvious. We can’t go right all the time, but we can do better.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m no guru. When you see these things as many times as I have, you can’t help but notice them. These are the rules of the human condition. I’m just an observer, and this is what I've seen. Bear with me a while, and let’s see if we can find our way.
Rule 1: Don’t forget philosophy.
Why are we here? What does it all mean? Who is God?
Do you know the answer to these questions? I don’t. But I have ideas because I worked hard on developing a philosophy. You must have a framework to answer the big questions you encounter or your life will spiral downward into a meaningless mess. Many people find their philosophy through church or other religious affiliations, but I would say this should only be the beginning. Stretch yourself spiritually. Look into every religion. Read the thoughts of the great philosophers who have gone before us. Read the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Ghita. As Jesus said, “Seek, and ye shall find.”
I've had many patients come to me with the problem of meaninglessness. It comes in different forms and has somewhat different presentations, but this is the core problem. Their life has no meaning. And without a philosophy, they're lost. They have no idea how to go right because they can’t even see where they’re going. Your philosophy is your light.
Your quest for a philosophy should be a lifelong pursuit. There aren’t many things sadder than the person who clings to a belief system that no longer works for them. You should never give up trying to learn new things about the mysteries that surround us, nor should you ever shut your mind to things you have discarded in the past. Many times people will come full circle to believe in what they were taught as kids, but in a much more profound way.
I know there are many out there who will balk at this notion. They'll say you should believe what you're taught and not question it. I have a great problem with this. I believe the truth will always come out, no matter what you call it or how you approach it. You can find answers to life’s questions anywhere. In fact, when a question arises, many believe if you pay attention hard enough God will give you the answers you need. The answer was always there, you just couldn’t see it until the need arose.
For those who say they don’t know how to develop a new philosophy or strengthen their old one, I say take a visit to any bookstore or library. Man has struggled to find his place in the universe since the beginning. In that struggle, many wise men and women have taken the time to put their thoughts on paper. If you can read, you can explore nearly every philosophy that man has devised through the ages.
I’ll close this section with a warning: Always be respectful of another person’s philosophy. In general, a person will cling to their philosophy like a lifeline. Only with the greatest respect should you go nosing around in someone else's beliefs, and even then, only by invitation. Remember, it’s their responsibility to keep their light shining, not yours.
Rule 2: Keep your ego in the sacred middle.
Ego is a Latin word that simply means “I”. Ego in the modern day context is basically all the thoughts and feelings you have that constitute what “I” means to you. Your ego is a psychological construct that exists to separate you from the crowd so you know where you begin and everyone else ends. Ego definitely serves a purpose, but what I want to talk about now is when the ego gets out of hand.
When ego gets too big, your needs start to surpass the needs of others. In fact, in severe cases an egomaniac’s need can surpass the needs of millions as attested by several tyrants in the past century. The problem with inflated ego seems to be particularly common in America for many reasons outside the scope of this work, but it has almost reached the level of ego sickness. This is my term for what happens when the demands of ego are so constant and so unquenchable that everyone is out for himself. This obviously has detrimental effects to society as a whole, but on an individual level it’s a fool’s game. You see, ego isn’t real. It’s a construct--a trick the mind plays to help you feel special. Is anyone really all that great? Yes, there are men and women who seem to rise above the rest, but did they really do it on their own? Many times, they are products of the effort of dozens--if not hundreds--of others. I’m reminded of the saying, “If I seem to have risen above other men, it is because I stand on the shoulders of giants.” I'm not saying there is no individuality. I think there is a unique individual inside every one of us that can only evolve through careful pursuit of those things we love. Our ego is not what we really are. It's a set of mental projections we have created to compare ourselves with others.
If we continue to fill up our egos by ridiculing others, criticizing others, or by seeking praise and admiration, this eventually starts to wear thin. Then we need more and more ego boosts to stay propped up at the same level. In many ways, it’s like a drug. We chase ego-building things. We don’t mind if we have to put down others to build up our own ego because we simply have to. We are addicted to it, and nobody can take it away from us. In the end, an egomaniac is someone who no one else wants to be around. They are lonely and hurt that no one can see their greatness, and very often, they grow old in a state of despair.
The opposite problem is having little or no ego. Now this gets very tricky. If you read many of the great religions and philosophies, they will point toward a state of existence where ego is gone. Egolessness leads to connection with the greater whole, which is perceived as enlightenment. I think the egolessness that is referred to here is getting rid of the kind of toxic ego I discussed above. Indeed, you will never feel any connection to something greater than yourself if you worship your own ego, but ego does serve a function.
When your ego is poorly formed, or nonexistent, you have difficulty separating from the rest of the world. You allow yourself to be beaten, abused, put down, lied to, or laughed at because you aren’t worthy of making a stand. This is clearly not a reasonable place to be. Over time, someone with no ego will be disrespected and pushed aside.
Like so many things in life, ego has to be balanced. The Buddhists talk about The Middle Way, which is the use of moderation to achieve transcendence. I think this philosophy applies best to the balance of ego. You have to believe in yourself enough to be able to assert your wants and needs, or they will never be fulfilled. But if you assert your wants and needs to the point of being aggressive, then others will start to shun you. Always remember that you are only a small part of a vast ocean of humanity. You can even take it beyond humanity to see that you're a small part of an ecosphere, a planet, and even a universe. Realization that you are part of such a miraculous collective can both strengthen your sense of self and lend humility. In short, you achieve a state that is both egoless and individually unique at the same time.
Rule 3: Don’t think freedom is free.
At first glance, I know this sounds like a recruiting slogan for the armed forces, but the freedom I’m talking about here is the personal freedom we all seek starting at around age three and continuing into our old age. Time and time again, I’ve had patients present with some degree of frustration concerning the above rule. They want to have their freedom: talk on the phone, drive the car, make a lot of money, travel, etc., but they don’t want to pay for it.
The way I’ve always explained it is to think of freedom like a coin. On one side you have that nice, shiny freedom just begging you to tear headlong into the world, collecting adventure and treasures wherever you may roam. But on the other side of that coin, maybe not so shiny or pretty to look at, is responsibility. The way society works is that freedom is the direct result of responsibility. The more you are willing to do, the more freedom you obtain. It’s really that simple. If you want to have freedom, pay your dues and it will come. If you try to take freedom before paying your dues, you’ll find that responsibility will still catch up to you, no matter how hard you run from it.
Let’s take the example of a teenager who hates his home life. Everyone always makes him do chores, he can’t use the phone because he’s on restriction, and he doesn’t even have a car. Man, oh man, the world sits squarely atop this young man’s chest. Now let’s say this young man, let’s call him Joe, decides he’s had it. He wants his freedom and he wants it yesterday, so he decides to run away. Joe lights out of the house with a few belongings and hits the open road.
For the first few hours, Joe is in heaven. No one is nagging him. He can do pretty much what he wants whenever he wants. He’s got a little money in his pocket, and anything in the world can be his, assuming it costs less than fifty bucks.
A few days come and go. Joe has taken to sleeping in back alleys and sheds to save his money, but even so he’s dead broke in a five days. His back hurts from sleeping on concrete. Sweat and dirt have formed a fine patina on his skin because he had the bad fortune to liberate himself in the middle of the summer. He needs food and shelter soon, so he looks for a job.
He goes to some job interviews. He looks terrible. He smells. And he’s now a high school dropout. For some reason, no one wants to hire him. Finally, he gets a job cleaning out the toilets in public facilities. His boss is just plain mean, insisting that he wear his public works uniform at all times on the job. He has to work terrible hours, holidays, and weekends. But then he gets that first paycheck. Oh yeah! Things are looking up now. He finds a one-room studio apartment that eats up well over half the paycheck because he has to put down a security deposit. He doesn’t have enough money left over to get a mattress, much less any furniture. So he works harder. With overtime, he’s able to save up enough for a mattress and a nasty old couch.
One day while sitting on his couch, drinking a nice glass of tap water, he realizes he’s working way harder than he ever was at home. He’s putting up with more verbal harassment than his parents ever thought of dishing out from his sadistic boss, and he lives in much worse surroundings.
Okay, enough of Joe, but don’t think I’m being melodramatic. The story above is real life. I’ve seen it happen dozens of times in one variation or another. Many times, the price you pay for freedom can be much worse. And the rule doesn’t just apply to young people who are trying to break away from their parents. In any stage of life, you will be granted more freedom if you are willing to take on more responsibility. And the converse is true, if you don’t want to do anything, society will allow you to do that, but you’ll have almost no freedom.
But, you say, there is an exception to this rule--the trust fund child. There are some variants to this person, but it’s basically any person who comes by wealth they didn’t have to earn. This would, at first, seem to be an example of how you can have freedom without responsibility. But let’s look at the trust fund child a little closer.