Focus on the 90% One simple tool to change the way you view your life.
Darci Lang
© Copyright 2011 by Darci Lang
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Published by Darci Lang at Smashwords
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Cover design: brent pylot
Cover illustration: brent pylot
Photo of Darci Lang: Mark Greschner
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Lang, Darci, 1969Focus on the 90%: one simple tool to change the way you view your life / Darci Lang.
ISBN 978-0-9783157-3-3
1. Attitude change. 2. Optimism. 3. Self-actualization (Psychology)
I. Title.
BF637.S4L3535 2007 158.1 C2007-901540-9
All rights reserved.
Acknowledgements
Thank you:
To my husband Darren — I am your greatest fan. Together forever, and this day.
To the most amazing children in the world, Jayda and John – I love you and I am so proud to be your Mom.
To my many “extended families” and friends who continue to love and support me.
To my admin assistant Sandra who gets me out the door and back. I am so proud to be on this journey with you.
To my editorial team, Jean, Jeanne, Cari and Brandie, for helping me to sort the 90%s from the 10%s and see which are which!
To all the wonderful audience members I have met, and continue to meet and to those whose stories fill this book — you touch my life in ways you will never know.
And above all, thank you God — thank you for every day I wake healthy with fingers able to type and a heart eager to share my message with those who are ready to hear it. Thanks for the words you give me to say and for inspiring me to do what I do. Thank you for helping me to stay focused on the 90%s in my world.
Contents
Introduction: The positive 90% idea . . . . . . . . . . 1 Yourself. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 Your family. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 Your job. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79 Others around you. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119 Your clients . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .151 Epilogue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175 Biography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
Wayne Dyer
Introduction: The positive 90% idea
My hope is that this book will offer you one single idea that will help you to live a happier life. Not nineteen ways or six ideas. Just one – Focus on the 90% that is positive in your life, rather than the 10% that is not. This one tool is enough to change your life. Focusing on the positive 90% has changed my life.
I believe we hold an imaginary magnifying glass out in front of us and we can choose to do two things with that magnifying glass. We can choose to focus it on the positive 90%s in our lives that work, or we can choose to focus it on the negative 10%s that don’t work. What we focus on determines how we live our lives.
Everyone has 10%s in his or her life. I am a happy person but I am not delusional, I understand life is not perfect. But I find too often, people get pre-occupied with what they don’t like about themselves, or their spouse or their jobs. Dwelling on these 10%s can be exhausting and only serves to distract you from the 90% that you love about yourself and the significant people in your life.
Why isn’t 90% good enough? When you were in school, if you got 90% on an exam I’ll bet you were pretty happy (or at least 90% of you were). We are not perfect, our spouse isn’t perfect, nor are our children, friends, co-workers or jobs. We discover true peace of mind and a lot happier life when we learn to accept this and start focusing on the 90% that works.
In this book, I will challenge you to ask yourself whether you hold your magnifying glass on the positive 90% or the negative 10% when it comes to all areas of your life. I cover five areas in this book. I ask whether you focus on the 90% or the 10% when it comes to yourself, your family, the people around you, your job and your clients.
What do you focus on when it comes to yourself? No one is perfect. Are you trying too hard to be? Do you tend to focus on your 10% negatives and not your own 90% positives? Let’s make life easier for ourselves. With stress and depression at an all time high, how can we learn to focus more on what is good about ourselves? How can we learn to reframe our belief systems and what we learned at our dinner tables?
What do you focus on with your family? Many people tend to give 90% at work and 10% at home. In this book, we will talk about having something left for the people we love. Whatever family represents to you, we have a choice as to how we treat our family at the end of the day.
What about the people around you? Most agree that a negative person can bring down a group. So what do we do with those “10%ers” around us? Since we can only control ourselves, not others, how can we learn to exist successfully among people who are unhappy? How can we learn to see others through our 90% magnifying glass?
What do you focus on within your job? Have you ever met anyone who complains about their job? In this chapter we will talk about what happens when we take a negative attitude to our workplaces. What happens to us and the people who have to work with us? We will talk about the “ripple effect” of a negative attitude at work. How can we learn to find the positive 90% in our job? And if we can’t find anything positive, is it time to move on? What options do we have?
What about your clients/customers? We all have accountability to our businesses or organizations to give our clients the best possible service. This includes those clients who just seem to be unhappy no matter what service level we provide to them. We put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and our staff to think “the customer is always right”. 10% of the time the customer is cranky no matter what we might do for them.
We read motivational books and we see speakers share their messages on staying positive. We hear great information that we know we should apply to our lives but often it just seems too overwhelming. We are totally motivated at least until the car ride home. We get too many ideas and just not enough time. That’s why I wanted to give you one idea in this book. Focusing on the positive 90% not on the negative 10%. It is one simple message that has made a world of difference in my life.
One thing I have discovered is that life is really short. As I write the revised version of this book I am 41 years old. It feels like only yesterday I was 18 years old (with the same hairdo!). I want to spend the rest of my life happy and living each day … ok, 90% of my days … to the fullest. I don’t want to be at the end my life saying I wish I would have … I should have.
We really do have a choice about the attitude we have towards ourselves, our families, others and our jobs. Let your choice be a positive 90% one.
“Individuals who are positive in their thoughts always tend to look upon the brighter side of life. With their faces turned toward the sunshine, they attempt to see the good, even in the bad. Such individuals habitually think thoughts of a positive nature and they are a blessing to this world. They are in a positive vibration, and therefore attract other positive personalities to them.”
Bob Proctor, Author and Speaker
Dottie
I have learned many lessons about the importance of focusing on the positive 90%s in life. I have also learned many, I wish I would have/should have lessons as well. Choosing to see the positive 90% in yourself is not an easy task. Choosing to see the positives in others can be difficult too.
I’d like to tell you a story that is very near and dear to my heart. This story is important to me because it not only shows the focusing on the 90% idea in action, but the event itself really helped me to understand this idea and just how powerful it can be.
Let me tell you about my mother-in-law, Dorothy. My husband Darren’s Dad passed away when he was eight years old leaving “Dottie” to raise her three boys. Darren is the baby boy of a Roman Catholic mother.
Let’s just say that when I first met my mother-in-law, we did not see eye-to-eye. She had a tendency to “over mother” me and I locked my magnifying glass on the 10% of Dottie that rubbed me the wrong way and that is all I could see. I was sure that I was not her first choice as a mate for her baby either. I was broke and had never been to church a day in my life. Not exactly what she was hoping for. Though she was always very nice to me, it just did not start out well. The first three years were kind of rocky. Darren and I bought a house close to her, but I didn’t respect her the way I should have.
Fourteen years ago my beloved Grandmother, Nan, passed away. I remember sitting at her funeral thinking, I wish I would have … I should have. My grandmother was one of the most important people in my childhood and I did not tell her enough how much I loved her and how much I appreciated all she did for me. I remember that quiet two-hour drive home from the funeral with Darren. I remember sitting in that passenger seat thinking, I never want to do that again. I never want to sit at the funeral of another person, wishing I would have and I should have. I decided to make a mental list of who else’s funeral I would be likely to sit at and say that. The first person to pop into my mind was Dottie.
I thought about it for most of that ride and then I said to Darren, “You know what. When we get into the city, drop me off at your Mom’s. I want to talk to her.” He looked at me and said in a worried voice, “Why?” I told him not to worry I just wanted to clear the air.
When Dottie opened the door and asked how the funeral was, I told her the story. I told her how I thought of her on the way home and did not ever want to say, I wish I would have and I should have with her. I asked her to forgive me and … that loving Christian woman did.
We started with a clean slate and I made a choice to start seeing her positive 90%s. Sure, she still over-mothered me and popped into our house whenever she felt like it, but there were so many positives about her.
She shared great stories about the joys and hardships of being the oldest of 13 siblings on a dairy farm. She talked about her late husband John and how much she loved and missed him. She talked about when he got sick and how hard it was to care for a dying husband. I started to really admire this woman. She had a grade eight education when John died, and while raising her three boys and working full time, she earned a university degree. She loved to shop and travel and had over 200 pairs of shoes.
I am a very conservative dresser while she loved anything red and anything with sequins on it. We had opposite tastes in dress. She bought me red clothing that I never dared wear. My closet contains more red clothing than I can count! She didn’t like my hair down. She thought I should wear it up. “It is much prettier that way”, she often told me.
Every time we go on a road trip for a speaking engagement she calls and leaves a long message on our phone telling us the same thing every time. “Be careful! If you see something up ahead on the highway slow down until you know what it is, many lives were saved on the farm by slowing down.” I could recite the message word for word I had heard it so many times. It drove me crazy!
I love this woman. I know we still get on each other’s nerves but we accept and love each other. Our bond is the wonderful man she raised, our Darren. I often think about how without her, I wouldn’t have him. Dottie was not raised to be a hugger. I was. So I always left her with a hug and told her I loved her. She always hugged back and said the same.
In 2001, nine years ago, Dottie, at 64 years of age passed away suddenly from a brain aneurysm. We never got to say good-bye.
The first thing that came to my mind was Thank God. Thank God I made a choice and moved my magnifying glass. Thank God I told her I loved her the last time I saw her. No regrets. I miss her so much. The things I miss the most are her pop in visits, my red clothing and I really miss that message on my answering machine as I pack up to leave for a road trip.
I delivered a portion of the family eulogy at her funeral. It was by far the toughest “gig” of my life. Four hundred and fifty people packed the church on that sunny July day. Bright pink flowers lined that big altar - the same altar where I was baptized and married. Dottie’s beloved Sweet Adeline’s sang, “I will raise you up on the last day” as her casket was wheeled up to the altar. It was one of the most emotional days of my life. I wondered how I would keep it together and deliver the eulogy.
It was my turn to speak. I walked to the altar. To honor Dottie I wore the most amazing red suit. I wore a sequin shirt underneath. I wore my hair up. I looked like a hooker! But Dottie would have loved it!
I stood in front of that group of 450 people and I said:
“Let’s each live our life like Dottie did. Let’s live our life so that 450 people attend our funeral and miss us as much as we will miss her.
“Let’s go and live our lives so that we never say … I wish I would have … I should have … Let’s tell the people we love that we do love them every day so that you will never wish you had.
“I will never regret the time I had with this amazing woman. I will never forget how she shaped the woman I am today. She is a true example to all of us that life is short and is so precious.
“Leave this church today with an attitude that you will never regret. You will say sorry, you will forgive and you will love. Let’s live each day like it may be our last.”
I will always be grateful I moved my magnifying glass off the 10% of Dottie that bothered me or rubbed me the wrong way and onto the 90% that was wonderful, loving and supportive. This simple shift in perspective gave me one of the most precious relationships I have ever had … and I could have missed it. It lets me look back on our time together with no regrets, just fond memories.
So how can focusing on the 90% positive work for you? Let’s take a closer look at the 90% idea and discuss how it can help you live a happier and more connected life.
“You only live once but if you live right, once is enough.”
Adam Marshall
Yourself
Not everyone is going to like you. At least 10% won’t. But the happier you are with yourself the less likely their opinion will have an affect on you. People, who are unhappy in their job and with others, tend to be unhappy with themselves too.
How we feel about ourselves relates to how we interact with others. It starts with us. You know the saying “you can’t love anyone until you love yourself?” I only partly agree with this, we can love others if we don’t love ourselves, however, we can love them more fully if we love ourselves first.
As children we are taught that focusing on the positive 90%s of ourselves is bragging. Saying a simple thank you to someone when they say they like what you are wearing is hard for many people. Some people tell me that they grew up in families that taught them to down play their positives. Perhaps we call that a form of humility.
I used to do a workshop in my presentations where I would ask people to share a 90% positive about themselves in front of the group. I stopped doing that because so many people would tell me they were not comfortable doing that … or worse, they had nothing to say.
I am not perfect. I don’t want to be. The women that I know in my life who are trying to be perfect are missing out on life along the way. I am only 90%, in all respects. It is a lot of work to get me to the way you see me on this book!
I have learned to accept my 10%s and move on. We have many 90%s. Honor yourself and your positive attributes.
“Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.”
lululemon athletica
My sister-in-law told me what a woman said at their annual block party BBQ. One of her neighbors asked: “Are you related to Darci Lang, the speaker?” When my sister-in-law responded, “Yes”, her neighbor said, “She must be perfect.” My sister-in-law said to me, “Don’t worry. I told her for fifteen minutes that you weren’t!”
My initial thought was, “I’m glad she said that because no one is perfect and I don’t want anyone walking around thinking that.”
It wasn’t until later that I thought...Hey, wait a minute, that wasn’t really a compliment was it? Ha ha! (And I still love my sister-in-law!)
I rarely watch television but I love a comedy movie. I believe in surrounding myself with positive books, movies, etc. You are what you surround yourself with.
One of my favorite movies is the 1987 classic, “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” starring Steve Martin and the late John Candy. If you haven’t seen this movie — you must! If you have, you will remember the hotel room scene. (I am not talking about the pillows, but that is very funny!) The scene where Steve Martin lashes out at John Candy telling him how worthless he is? I love the part where John Candy with full sincerity looks at Steve Martin and says “My friends like me, my wife likes me, I am the real article, what you see is what you get.”
The Cracked Pot (A tale from India)
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on one end of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.” “Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?” “I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The water bearer said to the pot, “Did you ever notice the beautiful flowers along the path? Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the house.”
Each of us has our unique flaws. We are all cracked pots. It is our flaws that make us unique and special.
What makes you special? Create a 90% list for yourself. List all of your positive attributes.
Give it to your friends and loved ones and ask them to tell you why you are special. When you are having a 10% day … read your 90% list and the comments you have gathered.
Let’s start at the beginning
Where does how we feel about ourselves start? Most would say our childhood and I would have to agree. The dinner table we grew up at strongly influences our belief system and who we are today. Many people tell me that their childhood is what has shaped them and how they feel about themselves. Very few people I have met say they had the “perfect childhood”. How we see our childhood is how we perceive it. If we view it through our 10% magnifying glass we only see the unhappiness … if we learn … (key word “learn”) … to move our magnifying glass to the “90%s” we start to see the positives.
I was born in 1969 in a small Saskatchewan town called “Biggar”. Biggar is a very optimistic town. 2600 people live in Biggar and the sign outside of town reads, “New York is Big, but this is Biggar.” My young parents Beverley and John did not stay together and through the years have been married three times each. Eleven of us children have come together in those five marriages.
For many years, I viewed my childhood through my 10% magnifying glass. I spent many years “blaming” my childhood for my life.
Seventeen years ago at 24 years of age I had a “Quarter-Life Crisis” (It’s great now because I don’t have to have a Mid-Life Crisis. I’m done!) While the tuxedo company I was working at was going under, I felt I was going under too. I was broke, unhealthy (basically destroying myself) and very unhappy. I was feeling very sorry for myself.
I remember during that time I called my Dad. I told him I was sitting in my rented dirt basement house, like the one he and I had lived in. I told him that it was interesting irony that life puts you right back where you started. I also told him that I was blaming him for the mess I was in. I told him, if it wasn’t for the childhood I’d had, I would be better able to deal with my life.
My “tough love” Dad said to me over the phone, “You know what Darc? You can only blame your parents until you are 18 years old. You made that mess you are living in … now go clean it up”.
I was not very happy with my Dad at the time for that reaction. But I am now. I think if it were not for that call, I would still be living in that dirt basement house blaming everyone else for my life. I had no one left to blame but … me. I decided he was right; I needed to clean up my life. I looked at the only woman I could change, the one staring back at me in the mirror.
I went and got some counseling. I had met so many people in my life who were unhappy because of their past. Some people carry those issues around like luggage for the rest of their lives. I’ve met people in their 50s who were still blaming their parents for their lives.
I also went to the library (since I couldn’t afford to buy anything) and looked in the self-help section. I found a book called “Attitude is your most Priceless Possession” by Elwood Chapman. I picked it up and opened a page. As Oprah would say it was my “Light Bulb Moment”. The page said: “we hold a magnifying glass out in front of us and we can choose what we focus it on.”
That book started to change my perspective on how I viewed my job and the people around me. Most importantly it started to change how I viewed my past and myself personally.
I realized right there in that library that yes … 10% of my childhood was not positive … but 90% was. I had spent so many years playing the movie of my childhood with my magnifying glass stuck on the 10%s that I couldn’t see the positives. And there were so many.
For example: when you are raised by that many parents, do you know how many grandparents that added up to? Christmas was amazing; I just went from house to house and “raked it in”. I had many different houses to visit! You can imagine how blessed our children are with all of the grandparents they have. We start celebrating Christmas mid-November to make sure we fit in all of our families!
My friend Jean said, “You made a choice to put the FUN back into dysfunctional.”
So many people were positive in my life:
My grandparents — Nan and Pop — taught me unconditional love. I miss them so much. My summer holidays at their house, playing with my cousins, are the happiest memories of my childhood.
My Dad taught me how to hug and tell people that you love them. His motto was to never leave anyone you love without telling them you love them first. He taught me to be a communicator. He taught me perseverance, a strong work ethic and how to be an entrepreneur. He also taught me … girls can do anything they want to do.
My Mom Beverley taught me forgiveness. Life is too short to carry around burdens that do not bless your life, or the lives of others. My Mom is a survivor in every sense of the word and she taught me strength. She is an example to me of living life full.
My Step-mom Sandy raised me like her own daughter and taught me so many things. Most of all she taught me to see the good in others and that people need to live their life the way that is best for them. She raised me through my 10% teenage years and still loves me! After years of being raised by my Dad as a grease monkey in the garage, she taught me about hair and make-up … thank goodness!
Each stepparent, aunt and uncle that touched my life loved me and taught me a bit of them. I am the oldest child from the original “union” of parents. Each brother and sister taught me what it is like to love a child. It has shaped the mother I am today.
Sure, the 10%s are still there … they always will be. The past cannot be changed. I have made a choice to forgive people and move on. I made a choice to focus on the 90%s.
I had an audience member come up one time and hand me a small card. It read: “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past can ever be different.” But the future can be different when you change your focus to the 90%.
What are the positives of your childhood? What are your happiest memories? It becomes such a habit to see our childhoods through our 10% magnifying glass. Even if your childhood was a tragic one, there must be one or two 90%s …
“If you don’t like something, change it, if you can’t change it, change the way you see it.”
Maya Angelou
The Catholic Experience
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Things I wished I wouldn’t have...things I should have. Many parts of my early adult life I wish I could just erase, but they too have shaped who I am today. I could probably write another book just on those mistakes! As I look back I have seen the lessons along the way. Everything that I did and everything that happened to me I now know was part of the journey. I learned at my dinner table growing up that it was ok to make a mistake. I learned that just because you make a mistake does not mean you are one.
I had always dated the same guy, different hairdo. Then I met my husband Darren. I became many things when I met Darren: first, I became the luckiest woman in the world. I also became two other things — a Catholic and a Saskatchewan Roughrider Football Fan. Both of which require a lot of praying and forgiveness! Ha ha!
I had never been to church a day in my life. Especially a Catholic Church! I always joked that you never wanted to go to a Catholic wedding because you would be there all day! Darren and I wanted to start our relationship on a positive note so we came together with our list of what we were looking for in a husband and wife and at the top of Darren’s list was, “She needs to be a Roman Catholic”. He was so good looking AND he was everything on my list so I decided I would give this religion thing a try!
I remember the first time I attended church with Darren. I expected to see a 200-year-old priest bent over the altar reading Latin bible verses for three or four hours. Instead, I was greeted by a handsome middle-aged priest with a huge smile who looked at me, looked at Darren and said, “Where did you pick her up?” Father Joe Balzer, ”Balzer” as Darren called him, was one of the nicest men I’ve ever met. Church was a wonderful eye-opener. I saw families with five and six children, all from the same mother and father … what a concept!
For eight months, Darren and I attended RCIA classes (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults). These classes would prepare me for my baptism that Easter. The late Father Joe Balzer, Deacon Joe Lang and their team taught me many things in that time. While I took away many great life lessons, the greatest thing I learned was the ability to forgive others as you have been forgiven. Most importantly, forgive yourself too. It was truly a life changing experience for me and my “cradle Catholic” Darren. It opened up spiritual gifts I never knew I had.
I remember standing at that altar sixteen years ago on Easter weekend with my family and friends in the pews. Father Balzer leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Hey Darc, this is your chance to wash away all of your sins.“ I whispered back with a smile, “Do you think we have that kind of time?”
The serenity prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference.
You aren’t happy?
I try to read a motivational book a week, amazing things can happen when you turn off the television. I love filling myself with positive. It is definitely one of the ways I invest in my own happiness. I read in a Christian book a story similar to this.
If our children came to us and said they where unhappy, we would be disappointed. Well I know I would be! If our special Jayda and John came to me and said they were not happy with their life I would say “WHAT? You have a healthy Mom and Dad who pick you up from school everyday and lie in your bed at night and say how much they love you. You have a van with a DVD in the roof - unlike the VW van I grew up with! You have more toys than we can store, endless technical gadgets and a warm safe house.” I would be very sad if they were not grateful for their 90% life.
I think when we are not happy for our lives God feels the same way. He says, “WHAT? I give you the greatest country in the world to live in, your health, a job, a family to love and the eyes to read this book and you still aren’t happy?”
“Circumstances and situations do color life, but you have been given the mind to choose what the color shall be”
John Homer Miller
How much is enough?
We have talked about focusing on the positive 90% of your past. Now let’s talk about the present. I think one of the most stressful things we do to ourselves … especially my generation … is that we are on the endless pursuit of the 10% that we do not have. We are consumed with what we do not have rather than what we do have. If you have ever been to a big box store on a Saturday, you know what I mean. I feel blessed to come from very little material wealth. It taught me to appreciate all that I have.
My house is not perfect. I live in middle class suburbia in a house as old as I am. I love our house. When were first married, Darren and I have painted every wall and I sewed every curtain. Years ago we saved and scrimped to buy this house, our dream home back then. We have carried two beautiful newborns through the door and raised our babies in our amazing tree-lined back yard. We have the greatest neighbors who are dear friends … something you don’t always get! We have toys strewn all over the yard and Jayda and John’s crafts framed all over the house. Our fridge door is overflowing with pictures of family members and friends.
We have family pictures displayed all over our house, and the challenge is to arrange them so the visiting family is up front!! Everyone who visits says, “This is a house you can really live in!” (I choose to take that as a compliment!)
We have friends and family who say, “Why don’t you move into someplace bigger/newer/nicer?” I always answer “Why?” To me the endless pursuit of more wastes the time I could be living. Besides, I can’t keep clean the size of house that I already have! Don’t get me wrong when I visit my friends in their shiny new houses I do feel pangs sometimes.
I honestly think that being happy with what you have is one of the secrets to happiness. I intentionally live well below my means. I would rather work less, eat organic food, go to Hawaii and buy shoes!! Why do I need a bigger house? Sure I like nice things but I am not always willing to pay the price, literally or figuratively.
My Darren has a T-Shirt from Hawaii and on the front it says “No Rain, No Rainbows”. The back of the T-Shirt has
motivational sayings listed under the heading “Kimo’s Hawaiian Rules”. One line reads: “There are two ways to be rich, make more, or desire less.”
Grateful
Traveling home on a cold delayed flight I was catching myself focusing on the 10%s. I was at the end of a long traveling schedule and feeling a little weary. We arrived home in freezing cold weather to late luggage and a half an hour wait for a taxi. Though I was chanting 90% … 90% in my head, I was feeling sorry for myself as I stood one of the last people in the airport waiting for a ride.
I could see the taxi driver smiling as he pulled up to the airport. He jumped out and carefully loaded my suitcases in his car. His energy was infectious. We exchanged the usual pleasantries. I wasn't really in the mood for talking (very unlike me - just ask my husband!) but I wanted to know more about this happy man on this dark cold night.
He told me how he had just moved to Canada with his wife and their four children. He went on and on about how lucky he was to have found his job and how blessed we are to live here. He told me funny stories of his children seeing snow for the first time. They had rented an apartment and he raved about how lucky we are to have homes of our own. He told me his parents would join them next year. When I asked if he would need to rent a house instead of the apartment for extra room, he seemed shocked at the idea. He said with sincerity "oh no, we have plenty of room for everyone."
As we pulled up to our middle class house he sat back and said, "Wow, you live in a palace - you are a lucky woman." I gave him an extra big tip and crept into my sleeping house.
I sat quietly on the bench at the front door and took a minute to Focus on my 90%s. I have a job that I love. I get to travel; some people have never been on an airplane. I live in a safe beautiful city, however cold, to raise our children in. Our house, though older – is our house, even a palace to some. My health, something I never take for granted. I have a healthy sleeping family to come home to. I went into their rooms and kissed their sleeping faces.
It is easy to slip sometimes and focus on the 10%s, what we don't have, what we wish we had and start to feel sorry for ourselves. It is wonderful how God always puts someone in my path during those times to remind me of what is really important and how grateful I should be.
What are you grateful for? Stop and take a deep breath right now and reflect on your 90%s.
“Can you see the holiness in those things you take for granted -- a paved road or a washing machine? If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.”
Rabbi Harold Kushner
What happens if we don’t learn to focus on the 90%s?
Bob, Candace and their two small boys lived in our neighborhood years ago. Candace was a happy, beautiful woman and a wonderful mother who loved being a stay-at-home Mom. Bob was more reserved but friendly enough. One thing that really stood out about Bob was that he was a perfectionist. Their vehicles were spotlessly clean. Their house, their clothes, their yard … all perfect. He would cut the edge of his grass with scissors! Many times I drove by, watching his boys play as he worked, and I hoped he took the time to play with them too.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am a “doer”! I never sit still but I have learned how to stop and just “be”.
I noticed a “For Sale” sign on Bob and Candace’s lawn. I found out they had bought a brand new house in a more affluent neighborhood. I slipped a card in the mailbox wishing them well and telling them we would miss them. We lost touch.
A couple of years later I was in the grocery store shopping without my children. This is what I call in my world … “an outing”. As I turned the corner to head down an aisle I spotted someone familiar, it was Candace. I stopped in my tracks as I got closer to her. Candace was still as beautiful as ever, but I could tell something was wrong.
We were the only two in the aisle and we met half way. She looked up and we made eye contact. I didn’t have to ask how she was … I could see it in her eyes. I walked closer and asked her, “Candace is everything all right?” She started crying, standing in the middle of the grocery store aisle crying her eyes out. Now I was crying too, and I don’t even know why we are crying. We are now hugging too, in the middle of the aisle.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see some men coming up the aisle. They see us crying and hugging and make one big 90 degree turn and head the other way! Whatever our problem was, they were not coming near us! I imagine they were a few things short of a full load of groceries when they went home that day! As we regained our composure she asked me if I had time to talk. She said, “Darci. This is so weird. I was thinking about you this week. I wanted to call you and share a story with you.” She dug out Kleenex and juice boxes from her shopping cart. We sat right on the bottom shelf in the middle of that grocery aisle and talked.
Candace started by saying: “I have a story for your presentation about what happens if you keep focusing on the 10%s instead of the 90%s. You must have noticed Bob’s personality, how obsessive he is. The way he is with the yard is the way he is with everything else in his life. Nothing is ever good enough for Bob. That is why we bought the new house, new cars and new furniture. Stuff we couldn’t really afford. I was really happy in our old house but he wanted to “keep up” with the Jones’. I really think it goes back to his Dad. He was never good enough in the eyes of his parents and he has spent years trying to measure up. The belief system he learned at the dinner table was that he had to be perfect.
Bob manages 15 people in his job and 14 of his employees love him. One doesn’t. All he talks about is how he can make that one person happy. His customers love him but he obsesses over the 10% that he doesn’t serve perfectly. Then Darci, when Bob comes home at the end of the day, we are never good enough. The house is never cleaned to his perfect standards. Now the boys are in school he expects them to excel in everything. Nothing makes him happy. We have so many positive 90%s in our lives but he cannot see them! He is so wrapped up in his obsessive behavior that he is missing all the great things. Well Darci, last year Bob did it to himself. I knew it was just a matter of time before it all got to him and sure enough, it happened. He started to get worse and worse. He started sleeping a lot and snapping at us all the time. He started to call in sick to work and watch television all day. Not like Bob at all. Finally his boss told him he needed to take a break for a while. When he was off, he just started slipping away. I begged him to get help but he was too proud. He finally went to see a counselor who diagnosed him with depression and suggested he try some medication. Bob was too proud to take a pill. No man in his family would ever do that.
It’s a big mess. I have lost my husband and the boys have lost their Dad. It has been so hard on all of us. I have told Bob if he doesn’t do something to make himself feel better, I am going to leave.
The reason I wanted to call you Darci is because Bob’s story is a living example of what happens when you only focus on 10%s. When your magnifying glass can only see what is not right or good in your life, you miss out on all the positive 90%s along the way. Something the counselor told Bob was if he had only gotten the help he needed earlier … when he felt himself slipping … he would not be in the state he is now.
He said something that really made me think of you, Darci. He told Bob, ‘If you feel overwhelmed, you are’.”
Our 10%s grow to be our 90%s if we do not take care of them. My Darren will share his story later in this book about how not dealing with his 10%’s lead to more too.
Ask yourself if you are overwhelmed. What can you do about it? Do you need counseling? A Doctor visit? Do you need help?
Triple Espresso
I don’t drink coffee very often anymore, but once in a while I love to have a coffee mid-afternoon. I’m like Jerry Seinfeld; I get my coffee on the outside. The caffeine really affects me! I am usually up painting a room after the kids have gone to bed!
Recently I arrived at my local coffee shop and walked passed the only other vehicle in the parking lot, a big truck with a construction company logo on the side. I got in line inside behind a big burly tough looking guy whose appearance matched his truck. He was dressed in construction boots and coveralls, his neck and hands tanned from working outside. I could just feel the tension coming off him.