OLYMPIC WISH
Living the dream
by
Orly Herbst
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PUBLISHED BY:
Orly Herbst
Copyright © 2007 by Orly Herbst
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Edition License Notes
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Introduction
Personal introduction
This is a story, written in real time, of a young woman, 32 years old, who decides to leave everything she has behind, except her horse and her cat, and go for her dream. This story is being written as you read it, it is in real time and the details are real and precise.
I am this woman; my name is Orly Herbst.
My dream is to become an Olympic rider in show jumping, and represent my country. Although I am not so young, and I don't have the money to profile this dream by myself, I have decided to go on a journey, and find out if I can find a way to get to my goal and it might not be the common way that people already explore before me… I take this journey as a riddle. This is not an easy one, but sure it's a riddle with an answer. Of course, once put such a riddle to common person, his/her answer would be- "not possible". But, since I believe in thinking and opening our minds, and think in various different and without saying "it's impossible", I truly believe that there is a way. I am not afraid anymore and I think I have nothing to loose. My pride is inside of me, and I have this strong will to help myself reach my goals.
By writing my journey story of seeking my ways to profile my dream, I hope to inspire people to think widely and openly about the real possibilities there are for every one in this world, if only they will open there mind and look for the way… I hope to help people to awake themselves, and look for there wishes and dream, and leave there live with the choice, and not with the feeling that there are no other choices…
Table of Contents
Part I
Leaving my country…
My new home…
Some inside digging…
Feeling lonely
My first European competition with Igrene…
My back is stuck!
Thinking about relocating…or changing in-house…
Party in the horse society…
Igrene…
My first competition in Belgium
Thinking and doing…
Visiting Sophie in France…
How did it all start?
HOUSTY
Having hope once again
My PMS…
Family visit…
Few inside thoughts…
My mother is here…
My new home 2…
Training training training…
Yom Kippur…
Some issues I deal with…
Sophie's party…
My father's visit…
Frustration…
Visiting my country…
Back in France…
Winter time…
Visiting Dudi…
Planning for more horses…
The restaurant "accident"…
Looking for the horse…
Last competition before the winter break…
Fuel for my batteries…
Olympic Dreams
Part II
Pucy…
Back in the stable.
Short visit in Israel.
Back in France.
Money pressure…
I decided to move to Paris.
Christmas 2007…
Hesitating about Paris…
Leaving to Paris…
Visiting "Elevage de Mortaighs".
My new home 3…
I am not happy with the pension level!
Visit in Poland…
Searching for more options…
Dina...
Moving to Silva's place…
Rollercoaster changes…
My new home 4…
Love at first sight…
My new home 5…
Competitions time…
Ups and downs…
Fight with Marc…
Competition in Michel's place…
The third sister…
Radio interview…
Insights…
Breaking point…
DO I REALLY WANT TO GO BACK TO ISRAEL???
Getting serious!!!
Part III
Training with Ledermann…
Visiting London…
Learning and training…
Birthday week…
Reality checks…
The big explosion…
My new home 6…
Sebastian…
DOORS OPENS…
My married old friends…
Leaving Paris…
Winter time…
My new home 7…
Platine…
Doing doing doing…
Everyone is sick…
Durum…
Training with Hugo…
Competition time…
Training with Tuefel…
Life in Haras…
My trainers…
Competition in Shutterwild…
Pressure…
Winter time…
Christmas 2009…
Winter digging…
Changing point…
Taking the decision…
Few days later…
Fully committed…
On the way back…
In few days we will get on the plane and go home…
Time to fly!
Summery
Few months later…
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Part I
4/7/07- 8/7/07
Leaving my country…
I'm finally in Holland, starting to live my dream of becoming the best rider I can, and maybe, just maybe, getting a chance to participate in the Olympics…
I have many good contacts, but I'll save a few for later in case I'll need them.
Our journey began in Ben Gurion airport. It was nice at first, but then it became very scary.
Six horses were to go on the plane and Franky and I were to keep eye on them while flying.
Israel, typically, doesn't give a shit about animals' needs, so, naturally it doesn't care for horses either. We all got together at 15:00, with the horses, Haim, Jerom, Kuba, Dror, Yinon and me. All names in the local horse business industry. Every one was smiling; every one was a little bit stressed. All with their egotistical "well being" expression…
So there I was, being nice, one of the guys…
All the time I kept on counting my bags. I was afraid to forget the smallest one- where I put my cat. (Yes, I took Farook, my cat, with me).
Then we had to put the horses in the boxes for the flight.
First came Kuba's stallion; the horse looked amazing. A golden coat with a long blond mane and tail, no shipping protection, no experience, nothing. Kuba took the horse, and went to the box without hesitating. The horse walked after him, and then, he stopped for a while, to see the exact path to walk on. All the workers in the Maman exporting station could not help them selves: they all took out their cellular cameras and started photographing this amazingly glorious little horse. (Well, little in comparison to the giant sport horses…).
After him came the two geldings. One is to compete in the world dressage championship for the handicapped, and the other is to go back to the dealer, since the client wasn't happy with him.
All the horses went in the box without any trouble, and all my stuff went on that box as well. Except the cat, which I wasn't sure I would remember to take…
Then it was the girl's time to get in.
I took Igrene with shaking hands. It all came back to me. On this same slippery surface, I once brought a mare from France, named Sara de la Board. She was panicking, and went loose, started running all over that surface…at the end nothing happened, but that was a very scary situation to be in, where you can do nothing but pray.
Anyway, I went slowly with Igrene, between Merlo and Kirra, the two other mares.
Every step of the way Igrene almost fell on the well polished concrete surface. All the machines were working, and suddenly one man pulled a big nylon cover, and Igrene became frightened, and I even more so. My dream could have ended at that point if something would have happened to her! And I kept on praying, please god, keep us safe, keep us from being hurt, please god, I hope my dream is the correct one, and I hope you think this is the right thing to do, please god, keep my mare safe, please………
We finally came near the box; I was so terrified, even more so than my horse…and the box wasn't open yet! We just stood there, between all the running tractors, on a slippery surface, praying for this to be over without any trouble.
And then finally, the box was open. Igrene started to go in. But then she sensed that I wasn't sure, and she didn't follow me. I didn't pull, because I didn't want her to step crookedly on the ramp that leads into the box. Franky saw that I wasn't confident. He took Igrene and just went into the box. She followed him without hesitation. Yep. First lesson for me- don't hesitate too much! This could lead to trouble. Be sure of yourself, and even if you aren't sure give your horse the confidence!
Now we got on the flight, and the boxes were on the plane, but one was placed in the wrong direction…they had to shift it, and there was a lot of bumping around, and that made the horses looked terrified. Of course it had to be the box that Igrene was in …
The flight began, and I was very happy, we sat in the upper part, it was just like first class, only less people.
After take off, we went down to check on the horses.
Igrene was looking strange, then, in the dark, I thought I saw blood. I lifted my eyes, and there it was, the separation between her and the other mare was loose, and Igrene was almost squeezing the other mare. And yes, Igrene had a wound in her left side pelvis.
Franky and I fixed the separation, I spoke again, to myself, asking god to help, hoping my plans are the same as his, but I do understand that what is supposed to be- will be.
After 4.5 hours we landed in Belgium, in Liege airport.
That was a different opera. The boxes came straight to the stables area in the air port. The surface was for made especially so horses wouldn't slip, and the people were quiet and helping.
We took the horses out of the boxes along with all the tack and also the cat…
Igrene was walking normally, so I became more relaxed in a way, hoping this wound was just a superficial one.
The vet came, saw the cat and started making trouble…for how long is this cat coming to Europe? Is it your cat? For how long are you staying here and why?
I was looking at Franky, answering all the questions, hoping to be on the good side of the answers.
Then the vet called her colleague, and he approved the cat. So far everything was ok.
Then we waited for 3 hour until they released the horses.
Remember the gathering in Israel? Well there was also a gathering in Liege.
I saw Vibe for the first time, and then I met Dan, and last came Vasili.
At first I was trying to be nice, though I only felt like sleeping, and after standing for almost another two hours, I decided to sit. On the floor, I didn't care about the environment any more…then I started feeling alone, and started to understand that one of the prices I was about to pay for my dream was being without the people that I love. People who gave me a lot of respect and confidence…people in Israel who missed me, and now, I had no one who really cared about me with me…and that's a hard thing to feel, but I'm OK with the price. I chose to take this step for myself and I'll always be able to make the decision to return to Israel, which currently is my home, without a shred of doubt.
My new home…
Well we arrived at the stable of Caroline and Vibe, in Meijel.
I got place to put my horse, my stuff and myself, and of course, the cat.
I immediately put the cat with all his stuff in the room, so he could eat, drink and most important- shit or pee after 12 hours closed in his box.
After that I took care of Igrene, putting a cream on her wound, praying again, and putting her in her stall (hmmm…much smaller than the one she had in Israel). Then I took care of myself, without much energy, I arranged my stuff, and finally went to sleep. That was around 4-5 o'clock in the morning.
I woke up around 11:45, and heard some horse's sounds. I looked out from my room's window, and saw a woman, with blond hair, riding a young horse. I started wondering, is this Caroline? Or maybe this is one of the employees?
After a few minute, a girl with a helmet came by riding, and then I had my answer right there!
After making a small arrangement in my room, I went downstairs, and introduced myself to Caroline and to the other girl. This girl's name is Wendy, and she turned out to be a very nice person to have around.
"At 13:00 o'clock we eat together," said Vibe, and I immediately felt good and at homey.
In the meantime, I had ridden just a little; Igrene felt good but a bit hot. (That is an expression for a horse that behaves like it has pepper in its behind and wants to run.)
We where also dealing with the arrangements for Igrene and I to compete in Holland. So Igrene now has a chip, and I need a letter from the Israeli federation that allows me to compete in the 130 c"m course with Igrene. We also need a Ferrier to fix the shoeing with studs for grass.
My first week…
It's Sunday, a good day to do everything I want to do but don't have time for during the week.
Laundry, clean my room, etc'.
Yes, I am very bored here.
I had a strange week. At first, jumping lessons in the indoor arena were amazingly good.
Second- jumping lessons outside were extremely bad, well, not that bad, it's only that my hand are slightly wounded and the horse has stiff muscles, both of us aren't happy, but besides that- she jumps well and she is the most wonderful creature here in the stable.
Now, it's hard to say it, but I'm starting to feel doubts about this place. The people are great; the place is good enough, not luxurious, but something I can afford.
The thing is that I'm not sure I like the chemistry with the trainer here. I mean, he's ok, but I need someone that will also see my soul. Yes, I know that I'm special in my own way, and I know that I'm sensitive, and that when I have a problem, and he just lets me sit there and bubble, that's not the way I want my trainer to behave!
I want, and expect a trainer like me, that will, if there's a problem, not stick to his current lesson plan but instead change the lesson's plan!!!!!!!!!!!
And now, I'm thinking to myself- that during the lesson I felt like I was taking a test. I don't feel secure; I feel as if I have to prove my worth all the time.
Fuck it. It's all inside me, and I'm not perfect, but yes, I want to be better.
Only when I don't ride well enough- I want help and understanding, not someone to beat down on me. And that is lacking here for me at the moment.
So, I was thinking about it, and I know what the problems are:
I sit out of the saddle- I need to relax my knees and sit deeper.
Also- I don't call the horse back after landing…and that is why there are the problems of running after the fence.
Now, what I want to do is, first of all, relax!!! Think only of my horse and me! All the rest can shit in their underwear!!!
Then, I want to sit and find a way to call her back so as to keep her from riding on, and not stand and pull and stop like I did in the last lesson!
I know that in the lesson I was stressed. Maybe it's only inside my head- but these are the thoughts that I have heard, that stressed me:" we, the Dutch people are the best, and you, the Israelis, Turkish and what ever don't know shit, so, it is only natural that you, Miss Orly Herbst from Israel, will not do well…"
This week, people from Turkey came to check some horses for a girl who is now going to switch from ponies to horses, and this will be her first horse.
They came, and the trainer, with jeans, no helmet, no nothing, mounted the horse and started riding it. She didn't sit well, and from the side it didn't really look professional. Now the people here where all very nice and kind, but you could see what they were thinking inside…and now, when I think about it- this is why I was stressed on Friday- on my jumping lesson. I kept on thinking that I wasn't good enough, I was afraid to ride like this Turkish woman, and afraid to get laughed at!!!
Yep,
I'm a little special, but I had a reasonable reason to think like that, and, well, I'm sure they think that I'm not so good right now. But the thing is that I came here to learn, not to be put down. Not that they put me down, only not really putting me up as well for the moment…
What else?
I want to be better- but I'm not sure how I see myself-
Am I an amateur rider who wants to be the best but as a hobby?
Or do I want to be a professional rider, who wants to become a professional in the international arena…? (And my wish is to become like one!!!)
For now- I am not sure where I belong.
At the moment I'm thinking- how can I get to ride more horses?
I can find a rich guy, marry him, and ride the whole livelong day. The only problem is that then I would have to give something- like love and sex, and if I marry for the money- then I'm not really in love with the person, and then- if I "give" sex- then I'm a high class prostitute…
Also- I could buy more horses. Let us say I begin with one, and then I ride two horses, and also compete on both…yep, sounds better, but I think three would be the best. Actually- four would be perfect. Then I would need a track and a trailer, and also a person to help me. (Not necessarily, I could also deal with three or four horses my self…can I?).
Another plan would be to ride for clients. But- how do I reach these clients?
This would be the best option- because then I'd even be paid for doing that, and also better my riding skills. The problem is- that I couldn't make too many mistakes, otherwise I'd loose the clients…..
So- the simplest way is to buy another horse, and find a way to keep it without spending more money.
Now, I could also buy a horse, make it better and sell it, but then I'd be taking all the risk on myself, and also have to keep the horse until it's sold, and also get attached (this is where the hobby part in me comes out very strongly. I don't like selling horses! I want all of them for myself; I want to kiss them and take care of them and love them for all the good things they have helped me achieve in my life! And especially, the joy I have when I am around them).
I would like to try and sell horses for others on the internet. It's one possibility- I could take commissions. The other possibility is, I could do it on regular basis, act as barter for horse pension and training.
I already told this to Vibe, and I'll see what he thinks of it. Maybe it'll work out great and maybe not.
Some inside digging…
I'm here all day, I ride my own horse, which is great, but I know it could be much more effective to have another horse. Damn it! I'm so close to the ideal way, and I feel stuck!
If I put my horse in another place, then I'll have to pay for training, transportation, etc., and that will already cost me more than it is now!
How can I do that?
How do I get to train more?
Yep, of course I can work, but than I'll be cleaning boxes…and that kills my back…
I can offer people to train their horse, but for now- who's heard of me here? Why should anybody let me ride their horse when they don't even know how I ride?
Well, I know I could buy a horse, and keep him here, but, I don't have enough money to buy a good horse, let alone keep it at the moment…
But how do I get to these people with those horses. These people have money, they keep horses as a hobby and want to pay someone to keep the horses working and improving?
I know that Wendy know this guy who is exactly like that. Also, Tomer is working for people like that in England…Caroline is riding customer's horses, also Uri, but those are customers he knew before, and also- he deals with horses…
Ok- that would also be a possibility-
Maybe I can buy a horse with Caroline and Vibe- and split the cost of him, and ride him myself?
What else?
I could work for a dealer, and then I'd have to ride so many horses a day, that I will for sure get either very good or very very good…but stay without any energy in the end of the day…
I can also help selling horses and get a commission, but that's a business in which I'd have to know the people who sell the horses and also the people who look for these horses…
Another idea is to open my web site, the one I thought about when I was in Israel…maybe it'll work?
For now, it looks like the web site option is ideal, since I have so much time to invest in it, and also- maybe it'll be a big success.
I know that in the past every time I had more than one horse, I regretted it. It was too much responsibility and I hated the fact that I had to ride them, it simply wasn't a hobby anymore… one horse kept me for sure in the hobby side of the deal.
Is that what I want- to stay in the not to committed side of the deal?
No!!!!!!!!!!
I am in Europe!!!
I want to learn and do the maximum I can. One horse simply won't do!!!
I'm running after my tail…aren't I…?
18/7/07
Ok, I think I'm OK now, after seeing Harry Potter, and after being invited to a very nice dinner, and after riding three horses yesterday, and after jumping with Igrene while with control, after discussing option of having another horse, and maybe buying one half myself and half another person.
Well, now I feel like things are moving. I'm learning, I hope to succeed with my own horse and raise both our levels above what both of us have ever done…so there's still a lot to come!!!
If you'd tell me now: "yes, tomorrow you'll wake up and have 7 grand prix horses to train every day"- I don't want that!
I do want two or three horses to train and compete. Not more than that.
I feel so confused since I'm almost 33, and I still don't know what to choose!
I don't want to commit to anything, I don't want to say hey, this is me…I am this and this and this…and dam it, I don't want to say this is me- because I don't want to create any limits for me.
When you don't say what you are- and you don't commit- the good thing to come out of it is that you don't disappoint yourself. The bad thing is that you leave without edification!
In a perfect world-
I would like to have four horses and a groom and a personal trainer, and a shiny truck with everything inside that’s needed to travel and compete internationally!
Where do I live? With who? Is it children? What else do I do?
I ride two to three of my horses a day, to keep in shape, and I have a rider at my stable to keep these horses in shape as well.
I live free of commitments, I'm not sure that I have a partner in this dream. Wait, let me concentrate…well, I have someone who is younger than me, and not in marriage. It could be something serious, but I don't see children in it, at this moment. As long as I travel- no room for kids right now...
I want to have a nice home in nature, with ten stables, manage, indoor, and all it takes to keep horses well trained and happy, maybe a swimming pool- for the horses…
I remember that few years ago I was lost; I had no idea what I wanted to do. Then I asked myself the same question and the answer was having two horses, in the garden of the house, and help people help themselves…
I still like this dream as well.
I love having targets, and I'm just not sure that I can achieve the first one, that's why it's not that realistic now…but I know that I can shape reality for myself, otherwise- how could I be here, in Europe, in a training stable with my horse…(!!!)
In the Harry Potter movie he says- you have to believe in yourself, that’s the most important thing. This is really my weakest point…this is why I am here!!!
All my life I have been struggling with the question- am I good enough? I usually think that I'm not- and then, my goal is to prove to myself that I am.
During School- I wasn't popular, and I was really shitty at studying- I ended up having good social connections and being one of the top students in the whole school…
As a rider I had Housty, my first horse, and together we won every competition possible and reach every level possible at that time…
Now I find that it's hard to say what I want and really believe in!
Because one day it's true and the next day- I already want something else…
I think that if I'd find a partner, and live near a stable with both of us training horses and competing- I feel happy with that thought.
I don't feel happy with cleaning stalls every day, though feeding the horses has its charm…
Still, if it's every day- I'd prefer to keep my one horse in other's stables.
I had a dream of my own stable, coaching good riders with private horses…actually- I touched that dream already, and discovered that I want to become the best rider I can, and it has nothing to do with running my own school stable, except for the fact that I get salary out of it, which is good, but not that satisfying!
It's a dangerous business, and everyday you can be sued for a child falling from a horse!
But who am I kidding? I just want to concentrate on myself as a rider, and get as good as I can at this. I want to focus on that.
Now, I have an idea of buying horses with partners.
Well, the past experience says that I can, but I never sold a horse, except Yale, and him I sold at half price because my main issue was to find him a good home to take care of him and love him as he deserve…I definitely couldn't run a business like that!
Now,
I look around me and see Caroline's trophies and medals. Would I be happier with these medals? The answer is of course not! But I'd be happy every time I felt that I succeeded in doing the thing that I thought I couldn’t do! Whether it's riding a horse that I thought would be too hard for me to ride, jumping a fence that I thought would be too high and scary, or winning the jump off against the best riders in the world!
Yes, I'd be happy every time I feel alive, every time I'd challenge myself and sometime succeed and sometimes not.
Doesn't it feel good to fulfill your potential?
And this is what my dream is all about- becoming the best I can. Maybe one day I'll decide that it isn't in the field of horse sports, but until then,
I want to be the best I can in what I do- and that is raising my level in show jumping, and I will see where I go from there!
And also- the buying horses half price, share half of the expenses, and sell for hopefully more- and also split the income in half- this is the normal model of buying a horse with a partner.
I think that when I'll feel more secure with my level of riding I will buy another horse.
Although I also want to do it right now!!!
But I restrain myself- I learn more, see who I can trust, and also learn more about the horses in the stable and beyond it. I learn about the prices I can offer for a horse, and well- I study the field. The costs, the way to train and keep a horse in shape, the different ways to get to the same last point of getting better and competing in the higher levels…if I feel that I have the courage to do it right…!!!
20/7/07
I'm bored! I'm complaining…
Well, I am very sad today,
It started in the morning, when I woke up, knowing that I gave Igrene a day off, because she worked enough and she was so great this last few days.
Now, I have nothing to really do here, so I went to the stables, and had coffee, as usual, and well, did nothing. Then I wondered around, and I'm sure it is very obvious that I have nothing to do. So the girl who's working here started to say “oh, here is something for you to do,” and she let me carry a horse to the field…then, “oh, can you hold him for a minute?” and I'm thinking to myself: “what am I? A hanger to put horses on?” I know that I'm a good rider; I know that I could improve a lot of horses here. I don't think that I'm the best, or that I have nothing to learn, it's just that I can do a lot more for the horses than just holding them for a moment.
And there are horses here that Caroline doesn't really have to ride, and there are horses here that she doesn't really have to jump, and only if she wanted to she could give me something to do here…
I'm so familiar with this situation. It's just that I hate being on this side of the coin!
Damn it! I'm here, waiting for people to give me something to do…they know what I want, because they let me ride sometimes…and I asked them also to jump if it's at all possible…and they said it could be possible…
Another thing that happened is the Ferrier (they call it the blacksmiths).
He came, I was there to help and open my eyes to see that he's OK with the horses, and then it was Igrene standing there waiting for him to shoe her.
I asked him if he could start from the behind, (because this is how it was done to her over the last few years). He didn't try to understand, just told a joke in Dutch so I couldn't even understand, and then Vibe told me: "you know, they usually start in the front"…
NO KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just felt like crying. Of course I know how it is always done…but this horse looses her patience and then it is hard to do her hind legs…why not listen? Why start laughing before even trying to understand?
Why ignore me?
Why?
Also, he took her legs and put them on this metal thing, so that it's easier to take care of the hoof that way…but, of course you can use it nicely, try to find the place in which it's comfortable for the horse and not only to yourself…or you can of course, ignore the horse and do what you like. And that’s exactly what he did. So she was really nice to him, and did not complain at all, but I felt like crying. I ran up to my room, and looked at the mirror because I wanted to see how I looked. And boy, everyone that was there MUST HAVE SEEN that I was about to cry. But, of course, they ignored it.
I felt like not coming to the lunch, I felt like finding another place. And this is what I am thinking to myself right now: Is it really so good here?
I am not sure anymore.
I'm broken hearted!
Another thing,
The trainer is teaching me in a way that I don't agree with, he has knowledge, but he doesn't ride anymore, and it is hard to give knowledge of a feeling when you actually haven't felt it yourself for so long!
Another thing, the rider could make really big mistake and he would just say "good; he won’t explain the mistake and how to avoid doing it.
I feel like I have to be my own trainer, and I am OK with that, it's just that if I'm my own trainer, then why am I paying this place for training as well?
And I don't want to be without training, so I better be in a place where someone I appreciate can help me start from the ground up, but it doesn't have to be here!
I'm complaining a lot, I know, I just have to put all my emotions somewhere, or I will explode.
Anyway, I tell myself- calm down, give it some time; it’s just that I don't have all the time in the world! So how much time is enough?
I think that I should finish at least this month here, and then I'll go to Germany and France, visit some friends, and see some stables and check on my options there. Then I'll decide.
Also- I want to have one or two more horses to ride, and I better find someone to invest the money with me- so it'll be easier to take the risk, and to keep these horses.
I wish I could find a person who has some horses and wants someone to train them, and is willing to pay for all the costs, and for the trainer, for me, as well. I'm sure I could find someone like that, only it might take some time.
And until then…what can I do? How could I help myself find more things to do? What could I do to help me complete my goals?
25/7/07
Feeling lonely
I'm feeling so alone today,
I've been feeling for the past few days like Anat, my ex-girlfriend has met someone else, and that she's no longer thinking of me and waiting for me…and that makes me feel very lonely.
It's funny, I'm here, but when I know that people love me and think of me at home, I don't feel alone. But when I feel like nobody's thinking of me- that's a complete different story!
Like motherhood, it's enough to know it's there…
Anyway, it’s nearing that time of the month, and I was already pissed off yesterday!!!
I wanted to kill my horse and the entire world with her!
I wanted to ride alone yesterday, but then I got so mad that lucky me- the trainer was there to help me concentrate during the work itself, and not be stuck in my own anger. This is something to learn from-
When you are an amateur, you can be spoiled, and stuck, and ask the trainer to help etc', but when you want to be a professional, you have to solve the situation, and always focus on the target and the way, and not be spoiled and rest in your anger. It's like the different between being a child and being an adult…the responsibility factor changes!
It's strange, now I feel so happy, after the realization of this last paragraph I've just written. I'd planned on writing about how I felt alone, but now I feel so pleased with myself, and I don't feel alone anymore…
I want to feel more centered, myself, my own spirit, my connection with my horse, my feelings, and my body.
I want to be in balance, and I want to stay in balance, but that's not exactly what I mean, I mean to be in balance- to be able to lose it and return to it, to be able to move with balance, not to hold on to the balance…and this is what riding is all about- self balance, horse balance and balancing together. You can't hold a balance. You have to achieve balance in a certain moment, and you have to look for it in the next moment as well!
When I come to think about it, all my life I've been looking for harmony, and I practice being in it longer and longer each day…maybe this explain why I love riding so much, and why I'm sometimes afraid to get on the horse, because I'm afraid to not achieve the balance and feel myself and the horse in such a mess!
29/7/07
My first European competition with Igrene…
Today was my first competition in Holland…at least it was supposed to be…
I got up early (I'm OK doing that only if it's for a competition…); all the equipment was already in the truck, clean and ready. The bandages for traveling were already on the horse, the blanket too, and then we put all the horses on the truck.
I have to admit, it was already raining when we left the stable.
After driving for an hour, we got to the competition, and instead of the worming up arena, we found a swimming pool…
Caroline had already said on the way that she thinks that today's competition would be canceled, but I had what Vibe once said settled in my mind: that even if it rains; the competitions in Holland are NEVER canceled!
So, today they did!
Yep, Murphy's Law works every time.
Let's go back one week in time.
Now imagine this situation, I'm having lunch with Caroline, Vibe and Wendy. Then Vibe said that there's a show next week, on Sunday. Do you want to go? And I answered, from deep down inside of me: "NO." Because we already had a competition scheduled for the next week and I didn't want to compete too much. Igrene is a good 11 years old, she jumps with lots of love, and I want to keep her that way.
Then Caroline said:” yes, but you need to compete, you need to train your horse…”
That upset me, I really want to become the best rider I can, but if that means that my horse will have to work double, then I’ll buy another horse and train with him, or find another way to ride other horses to train more. I really feel that this horse doesn’t need too much training, and that jumping every week during a show would be harmful for her jumping abilities.
So Vibe sat with me after lunch, and we made a schedule for the upcoming month, to figure out how we could participate in competition, and still not jump too much with Igrene.
We found a good enough solution, but the final say was gods. And that was, for sure, the right one. God's plan this time was exactly like mine; he also didn't want this competition for me…
If I may, I have to say it out loud. I want to be in France. I don't know why, but my stomach tells me that that's the right place for me to be in.
Yesterday, Nancy, my former trainer from Israel left me a message; she said that she misses me and wanted to check if everything is OK. So today I called back, and told her my situation, and also about my wishing to be in France. She immediately pulled out a name- Michel Ismalun, who has a stable in France.
Ok, so now I already tracked him down, and I’m waiting for a reply to see and hear more details about the place he has, the costs, etc.
I also happen to know a really sweet woman from France, who also owns a stable, but it's a dressage one, and besides, they don't have an indoor…so in the winter that can and will be a problem…but I do want to meet her too, and explore my opportunities in this place as well.
Apart from that, I already have connections with Jean Marc Nicolas, but I haven't been to his place yet.
I feel like a trip to France is on the way…the only question is when and how…
31/7/07
The holistic therapist
Today there is a holistic therapist person here for the horses.
I heard about her two days ago, and I just felt it in my stomach that I had to meet her.
So, I woke up, a little late in the morning, and went to the horses and there she was.
I felt, after seeing her treating the horses, that I want her to take a look at my own horse. In fact, I felt that I need someone to connect to and someone who’ll treat me as well.
She agreed to do my horse as well,
I went straight away of Igrene’s stable and took her to the grooming place, for the holistic lady.
She took a first quick look, and saw the three stars Igrene has on her face. Immediately she said…hmmm….this is a special horse!
Then she asked me few questions- one was what were we planning on doing? And I said- train and compete. She asked what level and I said 1.30, but we started lower.
Then she asked- are you sure you can do it?
She felt that I was hesitating, and she said that this horse could take me everywhere, but that I had to remember that I had to find the confidence to do so myself. I have to believe in myself, because if it’s not me- then mistakes will happen!
She asked me if I wanted to ride the horse as well, and then she could treat us as a single unit.
I quickly put my gear on, and got on the horse.
She asked me: "why are you angry? Where is all this coming from?
And I thought about it-
From way back in the day, when I wanted to be loved by my parents, but didn't get the love I needed from them.
So she said: "why didn't you speak with your parents in the first place? What is the lesson you wanted to teach yourself?"
And then she added that you cannot be loved from outside- you have to find it inside!
And I couldn't agree more!
I wanted to put my helmet on and ride but she asked me to ride without it this time.
Yes, after that accident with Andaluo (a horse I had 12 years ago), I never ride without my helmet! (Don't get me wrong, I did have my helmet on back then. That's why I'm able to do anything at all…)
I was riding, and then she asked: "what are you afraid of?"
I thought about it. From doing something wrong-
I always want to do things right, and she said:" yes, because you want to please your parents. You do your best so they'll love you, so every time you try to do more and more and more, and that love doesn't come simply say to yourself:" I am already doing it well enough", pet your horse just before you get on a course in the competition, give her sugar and tell to the both of you:" we already do it well enough!"
Then I came to a cross- and I told myself, I already did it well- and, of course, I really did it well, and the horse was even looser and happier than before.
Igrene bucks when we canter first on the left side, so this lady said- let her do that, but after one or two rounds, tell her- now, I am the boss, you listen to me.
This horse gets angry every time I'm not sure of myself; she's trying to tell me, you can do it! Think positive!
The last thing this lady told me was that this horse also has some hesitations about herself. I immediately remembered the championship story, with the former rider- first place on the first day, first place on the second day, and eliminated on the last day!
But, first of all, I give Igrene a lot of confidence, and a lot of time, which we both need in order to climb up the ladder slowly but surely. And I believe in her so much, that I cannot even bother to start explaining…
I know her unending abilities. However I'm not sure that I won't cause her to make mistakes and take her confidence down, although normally I am not rushing anyone when he's not ready yet.
This lady said she feels the French energies, and that she feels that the horse isn't sure if it can do it. She said she'll treat the horse next time, because it had already been a lot for Igrene and me.
What's left for me to do now is to give Igrene two days of good walking, because after the treatment her body must be in pain, and to work easy on Friday. That means we aren't going to the show this Friday, as we were supposed to go…but I'm perfectly OK with that. There's always next week, especially here, in Europe!
So I am going to take a shower, to relax my mind, body and soul…
2/8/07
My back is stuck!
Ok, maybe it's not so surprising that after we spoke about my deepest feelings, I fall apart…yesterday I was riding this young horse, and today my back is stiff…!
Damn it!
I cannot stop thinking:" god, what are you trying to tell to me?
Am I not built up for this riding dream? Am I too fragile?
Is it only my fears or is it a real problem I have in my back?"
When I think about my back, and in this case- feel it so sore, I immediately remember the origin of the pain.
Let me take you few years back. I was about 13 years old, maximum 14. All my free time during the summer I spent at the stable. It was the Shining Valley Farm, based in Yokneam, Israel.
The Zohar family where running it at the time, and Yaron was the main trainer at this stable.
I remember that every one of the kids there were in a summer camp. That means that you have a whole horse camp with more children with you.
You eat together, go to the pool together, and have theory lessons and riding lessons…
It was in one of these camps that I deeply fell in love with the horses, the riding, and the environment of the stable.
I have to say that Yaron was so charismatic that I, as a child, would do anything just to get a good word out of him, just to be loved and wanted for a second.
Just like me all the other kids felt the same, and because of that, we helped do anything we could every morning.
We mucked out the stables, carried the water piles (which could weight around 60 kg each…) we also cleaned the horses and prepared them for our lessons and took care of Yaron's horses. (I think god of horses as in the best)
I even remember him throwing brushes at me and commanding me: "you clean those two horses!" So of course I did it.
How does all this connect with my back problems?
I remember one day, I was helping clean out stables, and carry all by myself 20 big garbage cans filled with shit, carrying them myself to the tractor trailer, emptying them there, again by myself, and again…
I don't remember if I was 13 or 14, but I do remember that that was the first time ever I felt my back hurts!
That night I had back aches for the first time in my life. It felt so painful that suddenly I found myself thinking before changing my position from sitting to lying down.
I didn't tell my parents about it since I was afraid they would stop my riding, which was my life at the time!
These painful injuries never fully recover. Every time I carry something heavy, I feel that pain again. Every time I put my pressure on my back, I feel that pain again…
Since then so many years have passed, I cannot say anything to these people, but at least, I learned the lesson myself.
I also managed a stable, and there where also children running around and wanting to help in any way they could, and they would do anything, but from my own experience's, I didn't let them work at the stable at all, I only let them clean a horse, or do something else which is physically and mentally easy to do.
Now my back's been paining me since the morning, but I've decided not to give up to it- and I rode the young horse again. As I rode him I thought to myself- that maybe it will help my back doing the same thing I did yesterday…
This young horse was already doing better than yesterday, and that I'm very happy and pleased about that with myself. Only the back situation isn't better at all.
Now I'm pondering the question: "should I rest? Should I take medicine? Should I keep on going like everything's normal? Should I go see doctor?"
The last time I saw a doctor he took X-rays of my back and found nothing…so I really don't know what's best for me to do at the moment.
I'm trying to understand what the pain means. Does it mean that I should only ride a maximum of two or three good, well educated horses a day?
Maybe it means that I toned to be relaxed during my riding sessions and not stress my back like I did yesterday. Maybe it means that I have to be more aware of my limits, and listen to my body and not force myself to do more that I actually can before I'm ready to raise my level, like that holistic person told me- that I must raise my level slowly and not rush myself or the horse.
The holistic woman told me about the backs' meaning-it means support, and yes, right now I don't feel like I have support, I feel all alone here, and I feel that I'm the only one who wants this dream for me, and I'm very week because of this.
Speaking of holistic…did I tell you about Nashville? She was a very good jumping mare, 13 years old, and on Monday, with no sign at all- she died in the field because a very big blood vessel exploded in her heart. This was like the kiss death for her. That's almost the best death a horse could wish for. The inner bleeding was so big, the brain shut down immediately, so she felt nothing, and then her body collapsed within seconds.
The thing is, and that's still quite a shock for me, because just the night before this happened, I heard a strange sound at the stable at about 1 o'clock in the morning. I ran downstairs, and I thought to myself that I had to check what’s going on because I didn't want to see a dead horse in the morning and think it was me who could have saved him…but here I am, and there's a dead horse in the morning!
Before I forget-
I didn't tell you about Sona…this is Caroline's and Vibe's new working student?
Yep, she came here with her new horse, she got a stable and a room and she's supposed to work every day for that…well, I think supposed is the perfect way to put it since the first day she actually worked (Monday…the day that Nashville died!!!), then by nightfall she already felt really bad. She had a terrible pain in her ear-she really was suffering! She woke me up in the middle of the night to know if I had any pain killers…since she is over 20 years old, I gave her what she wanted.
Anyway, the day after that she went to her boyfriends', to rest there. That's still understandable, Right?
The thing is that she left her horse in my care. She promised to SMS me the following night, to tell me if she was coming back and how she's doing. But she didn't do that, and, well, basically she brought a horse, and disappeared!
So now I don't really know what to do- I do take care of the horse, but I'm worried about her- she's either such a childish and irresponsible person, or that something is very wrong with her.
Well, I'll wait for tomorrow to see if there is any development in the situation.
I'll see what my situation is…
Damn it! Ever since she came here too many bad things have happened. If it was my stable- I would have asked her to leave for sure!
She didn't phone, and Vibe asked me to ride her horse. That was a 5 years old mare which has poor schooling.
I tried to balance her so much, trying to prove myself that I know what I am doing, try to prove Vibe that I am good try and try and try too much!
It was right after this ride that I got my back stuck!!!
4/8/07
Thinking about relocating…or changing in-house…
I'm really sad now.
I'm going to have a talk with Vibe, since I feel like I want more, but I cannot get it in these conditions, and I want to see if the conditions could be changed or not. I'm open to any answer, though I know that I am already with one leg outside, that's at least how it feels.
It's Saturday here, and business continues as always, that means that they actually work on Saturdays, it feels strange to me. In Israel Saturday is a day off.
I feel like I'm grieving for something that is going to happen, like when someone dies.
When I planned my training in Europe, I already knew that I'll most likely transfer from one stable to the other until I find myself in the right place. And now, I'm before my first relocation, and I feel so sad deep down in my heart, since these people are so nice. But this place has cost me a lot of money, and I think I can get more for the same amount if I spread it differently. More than that, I feel that I want to be in France, and I feel that I want another horse to train, better be a good one, and I cannot do it here! (I keep saying that over and over again don't I…)?
I have to think clearly and be very realistic about what I can and what I cannot effort!
Because I don't want to do something that will end up with me having no dream and no money…
If I spend money I want to spend it so I can build some income from it- not only spend it and say BYE…
I went on riding my horse, I didn't talk with the trainer about when or if I'll have help or not. In fact, he had to give another lesson, so I was positive that I'll be riding alone and feel myself a little…but there he was, and I started riding and he started helping. Well, I am sure that he really wanted to help, only I don't always like to be watched and told all the time what to do and how…yes, I guess that's the difference between an 18 years old person and a 32 year old one.
So, I started to become nervous, and he just kept on riding me from the side. I wanted to shout at him "are you blind or something?", but I kept on trying not to show that I'm upset. I tried not to explode, and I took it out on the horse. He didn't see it or maybe he just ignored it…and that made me even more upset.
Seeing as there where more people training in the arena apart from myself, I didn't get mad at him in front of them, but it was too much for me- you see I'm nervous and they didn't pay attention to it…well, the last time that worked because I was upset while on a horse, but this time, I was upset because I was being instructed when I was sure that I was going to be alone for a while…
When the people left the place, I asked: "Vibe?"
He said "what?"
So I said: "Didn't you notice that I couldn't focus today?" And he said: "Can't you just keep on riding?"
I answered: "Definitely no."
Then I continued on myself. It's at that moment that I understood that I couldn't train with him anymore, I didn't think he could understand me, and therefore, I didn't think that he could really help me.
So, the day after I asked Caroline, with tears in my eyes, if it's at all possible that she'll train me this week…
I felt so uncomfortable asking that, because I didn't want to hurt Vibe, who was so kind and generous with me, but I felt that he really couldn't help me with my riding.
She immediately answered: "No problem! We'll start from tomorrow…"
And I was so relieved; it felt like a stone weight was lifted from my heart.
I think that it's very important, at least for me that the trainer show me what to do while riding a horse, from time to time. That's the only way, I think, that a trainer can actually help the horse and rider combination.
And that's the main reason why I asked Caroline to be my trainer…
Party in the horse society…