ZEN-SATIONAL LIVING
A Simple Guide to Finding Your True Self and Maintaining Balance
By Sheila M. Burke
Om Sweet Om Publishing
Seven Hills, Ohio
Om Sweet Om Publishing
Copyright © 2010 by Sheila M. Burke
All rights reserved. No part of this book including photographs may be used or reproduced in any manner or utilized in any form whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles or reviews.
Smashwords
Edition, License Notes
This
ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may
not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to
share this book with another person, please purchase an additional
copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not
purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please
return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for
respecting the hard work of this author.
This book is available in print at most online retailers.
ISBN 1453877835
Photo credits (Used with permission):
Pages 9, 24, 38, 44,
46, 67, 81 ©2010 Kelsey J. Burke
Page 80 ©2010 Kaylee Burke
Page 15 ©2010 Alan Burke
Page 20, 93 ©2010
Jeannette Chipka
All other photos ©2010 Sheila M. Burke
Cover Design by Sheila
M. Burke ©2010
Library of Congress Card Number – Pending
Zen-Sational Living: A Simple Guide to Finding Your True Self and Maintaining Balance / Sheila M. Burke
ISBN 1453877835
1st Edition
Visit Zensational Living online at http://www.zensationalliving.com/blog
Dedication
To my
children, Kaylee, Kelsey, and Alan
who continue to inspire and
amaze me.
I hope it doesn’t take you 45 years to find your
Zen.
May you
find the courage to pick yourself up when you fall.
May you enjoy
peace, comfort, and laughter along your way.
“The
greatest oak was once a little nut
who held its ground.”
~Author
Unknown
The Basics of Living a Zen Life
The Only Person You Can Fix Is You
Setting Goals Starts with “Me-Time”
On
Combating Stress
Massage
In Stress Relief
Progressive
Muscle Relaxation
Quick
Meditation Tips
Positive Attracts Positive. Negative Attracts Negative
Create Your Own Personal Space!
Introduction
As I grow older, I realize that the things I thought were important in the past are no longer pressing. Priorities change, people change, situations change and I have changed. I was the person who always had to be right. I could argue a point to exhaustion. It really didn’t matter to me what the other side was because surely I was correct.
Quite a few years ago I began to take a hard look at my life: I was struggling to make it through the bad economy with a small business, and my oldest starting college was quite an eye opener.
Carrying internal baggage from childhood and trying to live up to other people’s expectations was weighing me down. I had to find a way to realize that all of that “stuff” was not who “I” really was. And so began my quest to find my self; my spirit.
Like a great big artichoke, I began peeling away the layers of things instilled and ingrained in me; the things and traits that became my persona. Underneath the layers I found a lovely person gasping for air. I finally let myself breathe; I found ME!
It has been quite the long haul on my road to discovery and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. I’ve also come to realize that without each moment of my life thus far, I would not be the person that I am today. Whether it was laughter, pain, sorrow, joy, heartache, grief or accomplishment, each played a significant roll in my journey. To lose one experience would shift my entire path. Happiness and freedom are found within; they are not external.
In
no way do I presume to know everything about living Zen, but what I
do understand, I am willing to share. And so this book came to be,
not as the story of my life… but good core information to
help others on their own journey of discovery. Happy
travels!
~Sheila Burke
Chapter 1
The
Basics of Living a Zen Life
No two sunrises are exactly the same, nor are days in one’s life. Each sunrise paints a new canvas, whether vibrant and colorful, or mottled and cloudy, just as each new day brings a variety of feeling and emotion. Each one of us is an artist; constantly changing our pallet and tweaking our own canvas.
Think of each day as a stepping stone. Sometimes we have solid footing, sometimes we slip but retain our balance, and sometimes we completely fall off. Maybe life is like a series of little day to day quizzes meant to help us study for the big exam. Who knows for sure, but I don't think that life has to be as complicated as we make it.
We go through life letting silly little things bother us. We dwell on the past and worry about the future. We think too much - trying to fit thoughts, feelings and what we perceive as reality into a niche or category.
Nothing bad lasts forever. Whatever you are going through, whatever you experience; pain, sadness, sorrow, debt, anger, grief, heartache. Attaching yourself (or clinging) to these feelings and experiences cause more pain, grief, stress, etc. It will also make you physically sick. Relax in the fact that nothing bad lasts forever.
Nothing good lasts forever either. In fact, when you experience something good and then it goes away or it's over, you suffer. End your suffering by removing craving, desire, ill will and ignorance from the way you live your life. Living a happy life does not mean you must find it in being greedy or by having “things”. This doesn't mean that we should stop enjoying life or have an apathetic reaction when it comes to happiness. At the same time, it doesn't mean we should embrace pleasurable things to the point that our whole existence is gauged on that pleasure. This behavior would indicate an attachment or craving.
So how does one detach? First, detaching doesn't mean that we can't enjoy anything in life. It doesn't mean we need to give up all of our earthly possessions and live like a monk. It's more like renouncing: it doesn't mean that you can't drive a nice car or live in a nice house; it simply means you should not give in to emotions, problems and worries that these things give you.
Clinging on to or craving these things will cause you great distress. Being happy and proud that you have a great place to live is fine, feeling like it is the only way you can survive is not. If I don't have this…I cannot be happy. If I don't have that...I feel miserable. Same for bad things: a bad round of golf, a loss by your team, or a lost job? Find the lesson in grief or disappointment and move along. Let it go: worrying about it is not going to change the outcome, but it will cause stress until you stop worrying.
Putting yourself on a path of always wanting, needing, and craving is destructive. You set yourself up for a cycle of pain, more craving, and frustration. Good or bad, craving becomes a vicious cycle. It's an attachment. With every attachment, eventually there is suffering. The more you attach, the more suffering you have. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't enjoy life or things that make you happy! Life can be thoroughly enjoyed without attachment or craving. Understand the why of your enjoyment. Understand the depth. If you pick all the beautiful flowers in your garden and put them in a vase, they can be enjoyed for a few days; if you leave the flowers to grow in the garden you can enjoy them for weeks or months.
In actuality, nothing is really good or bad. Take fire, for instance. Fire provides comfort and warmth. A beautiful glow of red, orange and yellow hues can calm and mesmerize. We can use it to warm ourselves, cook our food or cap off a cool summer night. You don't sit by the fire and think..."I love this fire so much that I'm going to hug it, cradle it." You just sit a healthy distance back from it and enjoy it. You can love a fire without being attached to it; see it for what it is.
A great way to help you see things clearly, detach and end cravings is by meditation. Meditation will bring you back to the “now”. Live and let go. Stop the craving; stop the suffering. Live in the moment and don't dwell on the past or future. Throw out the road map and head out on your journey. Find a good “middle”. Avoid indulging and craving, but don't beat yourself up about it. Mistakes will be made. Slip ups will happen. Just recognize it, learn something from it, and move along. We are only human, after all.
Do not confuse attachment with bonding. There is a difference between bonding and attachment. There are relationships in which it is healthy to be bonded to someone, i.e., your child, your parent, your spouse, but unhealthy to crave or cling as in an addiction to them.
The Buddhist follows the 8 Fold Path which is pretty much the basis of all religions (without the cloak or dogma that religions have). Actually, Buddhism is more of a philosophy which is probably why it is so appealing as a supplement to followers of other religions.
Right Understanding - Know the true nature of your existence. Your core is much more and much deeper than your outward appearance. Understand the cause and effect of cravings and desires and how to eliminate them.
Right Thought - Simply put, right thought is the Golden Rule. Do unto others...
Right Speech - Don't spread lies, gossip, or speak with mean intent.
Right Action - Don't do things that hurt others whether in words or actions. Be honest. Let your moral compass guide you. Don't cheat, don't steal, and be faithful to your partner. Respect the rights of others.
Right Livelihood – Live and work through your right action. Be ethical. Find an occupation that is in line with your beliefs and one which does not physically or mentally harm or exploit another.
Right Effort - Be persistent. Sometimes you will fall; sometimes you will fail. You are human after all. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the path. Get over it, try to learn from your mistakes, and do better next time.
Right Mindfulness - Discipline your mind. Be aware of what you are thinking, feeling, and what your body is doing. Don't dwell on your thoughts or get caught up in what your mind is thinking.
Right Concentration - Get your mind in the right place. Meditate. Quiet your mind. Calm yourself through calming your mind. Focus on your breath, follow it, and learn it. Empty your mind. Emptiness is seeing things for what they really are and not attaching your feelings, emotions, or perceptions to it. This frees up the space in your mind and gets rid of the negative that clutters the mind… like anger, resentment, bitterness, delusion, and most of all the suffering that results from it. See things for what they are and no more. “It is what it is”.
Chapter 2
On
Judgment
The human mind judges everything. We summarize people and situations based on the silliest judgments. They way they look, talk, act, dress, etc. We are constantly judging. We determine if an area is safe or not by our first impressions and things we find scary or pleasurable. Both good and bad judgments are a creation of the human mind and the result of one's own personal experiences whether it is derived from actual experience or something we learned or heard from someone else.
So how on Earth are we supposed to NOT judge? I don't think there is a way. I think we are programmed to judge. However, we can listen to and see judgments in our mind and maybe learn something from them. For instance, where is your perception coming from, what does your judgment accomplish? What or where is it going to get you? Judging others often tells us something about our inner self.
“Everything
that irritates us about others
can lead us to an understanding of
ourselves.”
~Carl Gustav Jung
There are judgments to determine right and wrong. We use and need these types of judgments to live safely. If you see someone coming at you with a knife, you are not going to stand there and think "I shouldn't judge this person"... you instead run or protect yourself. The problem with judging another comes when making moral judgments. To not see someone for what they really might be because you made a snap moral judgment is not healthy.
You walk into a train station; it is sort of dark and there is a homeless person sitting on the concrete. You get in line with the rest of the crowd. The homeless man gets up and moves toward you approaching each person and then going to the next. What is your judgment? You assess the situation quickly in your mind. Not passing judgment can be the difference between the perception that he is begging for money and learning that you had dropped your wallet and he was handing it to you.
Before making a judgment, try looking past flaws and outward appearance. Oftentimes we judge on this basis and have no understanding of the life or circumstances of what brought the person to that point in their life. How many times did you not extend a hand or fail to do something you wanted to do because you judged something or someone? Opportunities get passed by and relationships don't form because of judgments. Making assumptions and judgments is also a certain way to destroy a relationship.
We all react differently and live our lives according to past experiences and upbringing. We are all following our own path in life. Sometimes we perceive the path of others to be destructive, not how we would walk that path, but the truth is we all have to make our own mistakes. We all have our own journey of life and learning. For instance, two siblings each experience the death of a parent in different ways. One might be angry. The other might reflect on happy memories. Neither way is the right or wrong way to grieve. To pass moral judgment on how another handles what life has brought their way is simply not healthy.
The way a person handles their own personal situations, inner conflicts, or even the way they conduct their life is not for another to judge.
On the flip side of this we should all use common sense. If someone is drowning you throw them a life raft rather than sit on the shore and think, "Well, it was their choice to swim in the choppy water". If a child runs in the street you don't call to them from the side of the road, you run and grab them. If a person or situation is going to cause physical harm to you or another you must use your best judgment to diffuse it.
Chapter 3
On
Focus
“When
walking, walk. When eating, eat.”
~Zen Proverb
If you stop and really think about it, we tend to multi-task much of our lives. What if we just stopped for a moment and concentrated on the task at hand? It would take some practice, but imagine the possibilities! Viewing what we are doing, the things and happenings around us with full concentration, with undivided attention actually slows the mind (which creates a less stressful mind).
A racing mind is a tense mind. A focused mind is calmer, more engaged. It's also easier to solve a problem or to understand a situation when you turn your full attention to it. The same goes for enjoyment. It's much easier to enjoy something or appreciate it when you concentrate on it. Don't rush thoughts or focus. Enjoy it and spend time with it.
Using all our senses helps focus attention and concentration and allows us to participate in our thoughts. When enjoying a bath, feel the warmth of the water, enjoy the aroma of the bath salts or soap, listen to the water running, see the bubbles or steam. Immerse yourself in the moment. In a field of flowers, stop and enjoy them! Concentrate on the color, the smell, and the feel of the soft petals. Listen to the wind blowing it gently. In conversation, focus your attention on the speaker. Listen with the whole mind. Watch their expression. Be engaged and let them speak without bringing judgment or offering advice. Most often, a person just needs to vent and they will eventually solve their own issues just by listening to what they are saying.
Focusing the mind and turning the attention to one thing at a time is far more productive than a bunch of garbled thoughts on different ideas or problems. Focusing creates a sense calm and decreases anxiety. Sometimes it is easier said than done, especially when what you are trying to focus on is not pleasant. And it's something that takes practice! But by acknowledging those fleeting thoughts that break your concentration, and letting them go... over and over and over... eventually your focus will become more fine tuned!
Journaling is a great exercise in order to focus. Describe your thoughts on paper, type it out or audibly record them! Nothing will put you in the present like journaling! (See Chapter on Journaling)
Chapter
4
Relearning How To Breathe
As young children we are taught that boys don't cry and girls need to hold in their anguish. Somehow, holding in our emotion shows others that we are strong. But in doing so, it's teaching us that bottling up our emotions is somehow good for us... normal. And so begins the cycle that makes us physically sick and mentally drained.
The problem with this is not only mental consequences and trouble dealing with the small things that life throws our way, but it is also unhealthy for our body. Working through the problem is far healthier. Our body functions properly when it has the proper amount of oxygen. And so the first step is to breathe.
The mental detriment is obvious, so we will talk about the physical for a moment. Think about how you feel when you are in a situation causing you fear, distress or anxiety; think about how your heart races. Your breathing is shallow and fast. This is because the lower part of your lungs, which house tiny blood vessels to carry oxygen to the rest of the body, is not filling completely with air. Your breath is not fully expanding your lungs and is keeping you in a heightened state; feeding the anxiety.
You've often heard people say, "Take a deep breath... relax!" This is true! And it really is that easy... once you understand how to relax and focus on your breath.
Think about it, you can't really focus on more than one thing at a time. So if you focus solely on your breathing (slow, deep breathing that is) your mind is quieting and pulling away from the stress agent, while the body is calming itself and relaxing itself through breath. Oxygen is working its way throughout your body and you become calm. Your mind, which is focused on your breath moving in and out of your body, is no longer focusing on the stress agent. This enables you to then look at the situation in a more focused and calm manner rather than dealing with the issue in a heightened state.
Since you have been conditioned over the years to let stress overtake you, you now need to relearn the proper way to breathe. Sounds silly in a way, but it's true. When your child is upset you say, "Calm down... take a deep breath... tell me what happened." In Lamaze class they have you work through the contractions with deep breathing. So it's nothing new, you just need to incorporate proper breathing into your everyday life!
The key to focusing on your breathing is breathing deep. Let's try an experiment:
Right now, lie down or sit comfortably. Breathe normally. Your mind is floating everywhere; from laundry left in the dryer to your grocery list. Your breath is probably shallow and you are breathing without thinking about it.
Now, put your hand on your abdomen. Close your eyes; you should be in a quiet place. Focus on your breath; breathe in deeply through your nose. Focus on your breath coming in through your nose and mentally focus on it as it travels to your chest and fills your lungs; your chest rises. Keep breathing (but don't force it, just breath deeply). Your abdomen fills and it rises. You can literally feel the breath filling your body, every inch of it. Hold the breath a few seconds; focus on it. Now let it out. Slowly. Still focusing on that breath as your abdomen sinks down; your chest falls. The breath exits your body through your mouth or nose.
Now try it with adding visualization or a mantra! As the breath enters your nose visualize a soft sandy beach with the waves touching your toes... or sitting atop a mountain with a cool breeze on your face. Whatever makes you happy and calm, it can be anything! As you breathe out, picture your stress and anxiety being attached to your breath and exiting your body. Imagine your body is healthy, filled with clean, fresh breath.
A mantra is a word or phrase that you repeat to yourself over and over and over. It could also be a prayer or an affirmation. For a mantra you could simply say (or think, sing, or chant it as the deep breath enters your nose) "I am free from anger". As the breath exits; "Breathing out stress and anger" (of course you will say whatever fits your situation). You could simply repeat a prayer or find a mantra by doing research online.
Keep your mantra simple. Keep it positive using words such as “free from” or “free of” rather than the word “not”. (Rather than “I am not going to eat junk food” you would instead use the positive “I am a healthy eater” or “I am free from junk food”).
Single words can be used. “Om” is a great mantra in which you can immediately feel a vibration in your body as you say it. Another universal mantra is “So Hum” which sounds like “soooooo” (long o on the inhalation) “Hummmm” (on the exhale). Both of these help keep the mind from wandering during meditation.
Don’t expect that using a mantra will work quick miracles. You are reinforcing positive thoughts in your mind and undoing all the negative you have implanted there. You must believe in yourself and what you are saying. If you believe that you can give up junk food, but venture out and buy a big box of triple chocolate covered fudge cakes, you are defeating your efforts.
Practice this at least 10 minutes daily and you will be well on your way to a healthy mind and body. You will be better able to ward off stressful times in the future just by changing the way you breathe. Learning to breathe is a very important part of yoga as well. Correct breath helps with posture and poses.
Chapter 5
On
Compassion
Compassion is a deep awareness, an understanding of the suffering, the pain, and the need of others and wanting to do something about it.
I happen to believe that every living thing has spirit; a soul. I’m a very compassionate person and I believe that every living thing is entitled to that compassion. Of course, there are times when I do things without bringing up this belief in my conscious mind… like when there’s a spider and I whack it. Then I usually feel bad.
Imagine how the world would be if everyone showed compassion for everyone else. Animals, people, and nature included. To lend someone a helping hand that trips on the sidewalk, or to offer someone in need a bottle of water. (Regardless of age, gender, color, sexual orientation, race, religion, or any physical attribute that may otherwise hinder compassion).
Take your dog for a walk even though you’ve had a long day. Play a little ball with the kid next door whose parents “don’t have the time”. Take a walk in the woods and fill a bag with litter scattered amongst the foliage. Make an extra helping at dinner and invite your elderly neighbor to share a meal. Stick up for a friend OR a stranger if they experience the pain of ridicule or hate.
“As
she has planted, so does she harvest;
such is the field of
karma.” ~Sri Guru Granth Sahib
Everyone handles pain, anger, sorrow, and situations in a different manner. People deal with things in the way they know how to. Different factors go into decision making, reaction and how one handles things. There is no right or wrong way, for individually we are all learning. We are constantly learning as we walk on our path. It is our personal path to walk whether we agree with another's route or we don’t.
While practicing compassion one needs to understand the situations of others might be different from our own. Circumstances are not always what they seem. Avoid making snap assumptions on another’s condition or circumstance. Words can hurt.
“How
people treat you is their karma;
how you react is yours.”
~Wayne Dyer
Giving of yourself, your time and your energy helps others as well as your inner self.
Compassion is contagious. That’s a good thing to catch!
Chapter
6
Decision Making and Karma
All decisions good and bad create an action. Every action creates a reaction. Sometimes it's immediate; sometimes it is later. That is Karma.
I quickly move across the room with a glass of milk; I slip and fall. Or, I badmouth a friend and months later that friend belittles me to others. I give my last five dollars to someone in need; I'm at the grocery store, come up a couple dollars short, and a Good Samaritan helps out. All are examples of Karma.
If we conduct our lives with virtue, we experience happiness. If not, we suffer. It's really that simple. If we don't think of the effects of something before we do it, we don't know what kind of reaction we are going to get back.
I always tell my kids (as my mom did before me) to “think before you speak”. Oftentimes something slips out before you have taken a moment to think about it and you find yourself in a situation where someone is really mad at you.
Take a moment to contemplate, "Where is this comment going to get me?", "Is the upset this is going to cause really worth the aggravation?", "How will that comment make them feel?", "How would I feel if they said that to me?" All great things to consider before actions and reactions run wild.
A good rule of thumb is to take 5-10 seconds to ponder before reacting. Usually we will find that we can put our comment aside because it is not worth stating in terms of virtue or as a withdrawal from the Bank of Karma.
Making decisions should always be done with a certain amount of forethought and reflection before making the decision. Ask yourself, "How will this benefit others?" or "What will happen if I do this or that".
Difficult decisions should not be made merely in the interest of what will benefit you or to satisfy some immediate or pressing need or desire. Instead, base decisions on courage, truth, wisdom, and compassion even if the decision does not have a favorable outcome for you.
Every decision that you make is a learning experience. Good or bad, something will be gained in the form of learning a lesson. Some will be painful; some will be joyous. In the end you really don’t know if a decision is good or bad until you make it. If you throw up your hands and conclude you cannot make a decision, you have actually decided that you are willing to keep things the same!
I
go to the pet store. There are two puppies. I cannot decide which
one I want to buy. I go home and mull it over. I call in a week and
the one I decided that I really, really wanted has been sold. My
indecision caused an outside source to make my decision for me.
Indecision is actually a decision. Indecision means that you are
leaving the decision up to someone else.
Chapter
7
Honor Your Spirit
Think about the relationship you have with God, the Universe, or whatever you decide to name it. Whatever your traditions are, whatever path you are on: devote yourself to it. Whether you are reading scriptures or meditating give it your full attention.
Be inspired. Listen to others. Keep a journal. Value your self, your spirit, your higher power, your friends, neighbors, the strange lady on the bus. The same higher power is within all of us, within all living things. Accept that, but for our outer shells, the body we are in, we are all of the same spirit. Treat all others with kindness and respect regardless of what you have been conditioned to believe.
We are all linked together. What we do, think and feel impacts the lives of others as well as ourselves. Support one another.
Celebrate! Celebrate birth, death, a move, growing a garden, your children, family, friends, weather, nature, etc. Let it all sink in; create memories that will be recalled over the years. Beautiful memories to bring a smile to your face and warmth to your heart. Celebrate your personal growth! Celebrate differences between yourself and others. Turn them into a source of strength and joy from which you can draw. Think of them as enrichment to life rather than letting them continue to make the world a miserable place filled with hate, fear, nastiness, greed, and so many other negative qualities.
Mahatma
Gandhi said:
“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
Take a few moments to focus, reflect and celebrate. Enjoy the little blessings and you can recall them often.
Think about the relationship you have with nature.
Just as we apply the golden rule to people, we should also apply it to nature. When I truly think about this it reminds me of Native Americans. I don’t know if it’s like this in other parts of the world, but in the U.S. we seem to have grown to believe that we “own” things. And once we own them they are ours to do what we wish with them.
We need to contemplate some basic ancient beliefs and start to see ourselves as caretakers for life; for nature. We need to understand that to live in harmony with nature keeps everything in balance; as our ancient ancestors understood.