Surrender To Win

by

Karen Justice-Guard

Smashwords Edition

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Copyright © 2010 Karen Justice-Guard

All rights reserved

Published by Karen Justice-Guard on Smashwords

September 2010

Cover design: Tara Lynn Price

Interior design: Donna Smillie

Smashwords Edition Licence Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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Table of Contents

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Why I Wrote This Book

This book was written in part because many readers requested a follow-up from my first book, Keep Showing Up. There has been a large span of years that has passed since that book was released and the creation of this book brought out some pretty strong emotions.

It was a draining experience to revisit all the horrors that I’ve been through and tap into the “dark side” again. In fact, it really did make me kind of ill. You see, since the first book I did recreate the situations that were once harmful to me again. That was confirmation that there was definitely something wrong and I knew that I needed to start over. This book allowed me the opportunity to show the humble, human side of having to admit fault yet again.

What makes this book so special is that I have put to action the transformation through using the tools that I have learned. This has helped move me into the light of God. This time I am staying there and if I can help anybody else do it I will keep putting myself out there repeatedly. So, this book really is my answer and testament to you that you can make changes that are permanent. God will always love you and let you make it right in his eyes, and hence, your spirit.

When I was born, God gave me a beautiful path to follow. My self will and bad decisions took me off that path. I invite you all to join me and create your own destiny in the light of your Higher Power.

Karen Justice-Guard

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Dedication

I’m dedicating this book to my friend and inspirational mentor, Dana Dornsife.

Dana is the founder of www.lazarex.org and her presence and positive influence in this world deserves acknowledgement. She is the true meaning of dedication and is a true advocate for people. Dana has always amplified truth, freedom, hope, courage, and strength. With all her powerful blessings she understands the ingredients for success. She shows this through bridging the gap and giving hope to those in need from late stage cancer. Helping others is the true purpose in her life. Dana’s welcomed around the world to talk about what is important in people’s lives. She is both healing and inviting at the same time. She is a second Mother Teresa in my eyes. She brings people closer to God and helps me personally achieve my God given purposes.

I say thank you to my friend, Dana, for the never ending support and belief in me. It has helped me more than words can express. Someday, I too hope to give so unconditionally like Dana does so effortlessly.

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Acknowledgement

This book would not have been possible to make without me having quite the journey in my life thus far. I’ve had what I thought was “it all”. I’ve lost it all too. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and tried the best I could to make everybody else be good, feel good, and live well. I have always been driven by a passion to make everyone else happy. That resulted in the creation of one extremely unhappy me. Every day I have to consciously be aware that my purpose in life is not to make everybody else happy. If I am true to myself and use the gifts God has given me I will be happy. When that happens I can truly reach out to others.

I would never be in a position to help other people make a difference in life if it was not for my twelve step program. Many of the best addiction programs involve the twelve steps. They bring you in contact with your Higher Power and really make you look to who needs to start the changes in your life – YOU. I am so thankful that I got the courage to find a sponsor and entrust my journey to somebody who is going to make me accountable for my actions.

One of my first steps to acknowledgement and recover was writing my first book, Keep Showing Up. That book tells the story of my life and talks of the major events that happened that really lead me down the path of destruction. This book is designed to talk about the small details that have started to surface on my road to recovery. I have been amazed to find out that the small things do matter and play a role in developing the right set of beliefs to lead a better life. My use and belief in the twelve step recovery systems has helped me in this journey of discovery. I truly believe that it will help you too. In this book you will learn what the twelve steps are and I believe you will see that they can help you, no matter what challenges you are facing and what you’d like to eliminate in life. In specific, the recovery chapter will show the most amazing prayer that you can say to you, your God, or your Higher Power. Actually, now that I think about it, you should take time to absorb this prayer right now. It is that amazing and powerful. Here it is:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

— Reinhold Niebuhr

(abridged version that is used in twelve step programs that follow AA model)

Reinhold Niebuhr wrote this amazing prayer. It is universally used by many of the twelve step programs out there. Why wouldn’t they use it? It provides hope, inspiration, words of wisdom, and the acceptance of help from God or your Higher Power. That is incredible and it is all of ours for the taking if we wish to have it. The earliest noted editions of this prayer in print go back to 1937. To me that is very comforting because it reassures me that I am not alone now and that I am working through the same struggles as people have been for centuries.

Through acceptance of my addiction and talking to others over the past years I have been touched and moved by people’s stories of challenges, hopes, and recovery. This book could never exist without those people and their willingness to share. Every person that has shared an obstacle or struggle from their lives with me has inspired me. My sponsors over the past twenty four years have been some the most inspirational women I have ever met. There is only one greater connection I have in my life - God. Through the mentoring, strength, and help of my sponsors I have found a way to help others while being true to myself. It is my life’s work and dedication. If I only ever help a single person be better it will be worth it and I will be thrilled.

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.”

— William James

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Disclaimer

This book is not a substitute for the help of qualified professionals. It is intended as a guide from my perspective on the steps you can take to start changing your life. I learned all these steps and techniques through my twelve step program. I do still recommend that you count on qualified professionals whenever you need them – especially if you feel you are a danger to yourself. Whenever you are in danger or need of an immediate change please contact those individuals who can give you immediate assistance. This includes 911 or any place of immediate reprieve from a dangerous situation.

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Statement of Terminology in Reference to God

As you read through this book I will talk about God when referring to me. I am a Christian and base my faith in the Word of God. When we are talking about topics in general the words Higher Power or Higher Self will be used. This book is all inclusive for everybody and their beliefs. Everything in this book is based on one goal that I have. That goal is to help people become more aware of who they are on the inside and make positive changes that cultivate a better life. When you learn to have love for yourself amazing things happen. You become a better person for your partners, children, and every person you wish to reach.

I have learned so much through my twelve step program. The program is spiritual based and allows everybody to incorporate God or their Higher Power to help them heal and start recovery.

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Testimonial from an Amazing Woman Who is on Her Journey

In my desire to help others reach spiritual awareness and develop personal growth I reach out to others whenever I get the chance. I received a kind email back from Kelly Galindo, an exceptionally well educated woman, on her experience and how the book has helped her start out her journey of recovery. Her words are very touching and I hope they will show you all that it is possible to start the journey of change – no matter how tough it may seem.

“Where do I begin? The truth…the knowledge of the truth shall set us free. The truth deeply hurts, it is severely painful, but yet, it is absolutely necessary for the healing to begin. We all do have the truth within us. It is God’s voice and it is God who gives us intuition. Listen for it, trust it, revere it, and follow it!

I met a man on the internet. He seemed to be perfect and had the most soothing words. It was like his instincts knew what to say to me for me to completely believe in him. He pursued me diligently, talked about commitment, and showed so much integrity on the surface. Of course my heart started to open up and invite him in.

We reached the point where I would go and visit him. There were very obvious red flags which I did not want to acknowledge. The flags carried the warning that he was dating and sleeping with other women too. This meant that he had no integrity or good intention regarding me. I kept rationalizing these other women because of the distance and the life he had prior to me. Our relationship was fairly new and what woman wouldn’t be interested in a man with good integrity and intention. Yet, I ignored and justified all those things because, simply put, I wanted to be loved.

Every person should pay heed to red flags, their instincts, and get out early if it doesn’t seem right. The longer you wait for it to turn around the less likely it will be to actually turn around. Sticking around the wrong men enables them to not change. Why would they? There is no reason because they are getting everything while you are slowly losing everything.

We feel disappointed at the loss of what we thought would be. It is important to not waste time and invest your heart with con men and wrong men. I have just gotten done wasting a year of my life making excuses for his behaviors and actions. While I waited patiently for him to commit to me completely he was committing to somebody else. I found out he was engaged.

This information certainly would have been important to know earlier in our relationship. I didn’t know. How could I? We were in a long distance relationship. He finally did tell me that he was engaged four days before his wedding. What timing! I had to finally admit that I was conned because there were no more excuses to be made.

There are so many women that are in love with the thought of finding love. It makes us easy targets for those who are manipulative and dishonest. I do not ever want another woman to go through the heartache that I am experiencing to this day. I am starting to heal and recover. It is not easy. I want to love and nurture. That is what I am designed to do. Now, I have to be on the alert and to some extent, the defensive. This is not what I want and I have vowed to recover.

The need for recovery usually stems from something that happened when we were young. That something has made us turn off our instincts in certain situations and mistake red flags for green lights. Today, I am in therapy and a twelve step recovery program. I cannot give him the dignity of a name because he just doesn’t deserve it. I’m still angry. As part of my healing process I have contacted the ex-girlfriends of this man. I emailed five of them and one responded. That one is an incredibly strong woman named Karen Justice-Guard. She is like an angel to me through this tough time. She heard my pain and reached out. That was the point where my recovery truly began.

Karen emailed me some chapters from the book you have in your hands right now. She encouraged me with kindness and compassion. It was so uncomfortable to admit that I did have an addiction because I consider myself healthy and put together. My heart was broken though and I was not all together at that moment. This all happened because I ignored my instincts and the red flags in front of me.

With Karen’s help, I gained the courage to stop looking at the man and look at me. I decided to attend a twelve step recovery program for love and relationship addictions at my church. I am so new to the process, but I am looking forward to it. My heart needs to heal and I want it to heal. I want to be completely filled with God’s love for me and my love for myself. I am so grateful for the angel that came into my life and for my sisters in Christ who bring me constant courage and inspiration.

Thank you, Karen. You are kind, wise, and so courageous. Keep up the good work in your own recovery and in your encouragement to others recovery programs along the way.

God Bless,

Professor Kelly Galindo

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Preface

Pastor Jeff Kenney

New Hope International Church, Concord, CA

Our Recovery Pastor, Willy Vega, often says “Everybody is recovering from something”. He’s right. Some are recovering from a painful breakup in a relationship. Others are recovering from a drug or chemical dependence. Many are still recovering from their painful childhood experiences – experiences of abuse, neglect, rejection, and much worse.

I am a recovering performer. There, I said it! A product of a broken home, I wanted to please mom & dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, teachers and friends. Superman has a supersized “S” on his uniform. My letter was “P”. In fact, it may as well be “PP”. Performer or people pleaser – they’re one in the same. Today, I’m free from a desire to please everybody. I’ve learned that the word “no” is a good word. I discovered that boundaries create health in relationships.

Years ago, the doctors could not find the source of my bleeding. I had bled internally for more than four years. After losing half of the blood in my body, I was scheduled for emergency exploratory surgery. The doctor had given me several units of blood and tried one last procedure before electing for surgery. They found a cancerous tumor in my small intestine. It was the size of a golf ball. The pathologists said later that it was a one-of-a-kind tumor, and could at any moment explode and spread rapidly. It was a very aggressive form of cancer that would have quickly taken my life. However, the cancer was discovered and removed. I have lived cancer-free for nearly twenty years.

Through that experience, the Lord showed me that there was a spiritual cancer in my life. Left untreated, it could also destroy me. It was the cancer of performance. As the doctors removed one cancer, the Lord removed another.

If you can relate in any way to what you just read, you will find this book a must read. There are destructive patterns and layers in every life that must be peeled away so that we can live our lives the way God intended for us to live. He created us with purpose and destiny in mind. Our pain can become our platform. The book you hold in your hand is no accident. It may just become the tool that saves you from your pain, your past, yourself, and your need to please others. As you surrender to the One who ultimately defines who you are and what you should do, you will become conditioned as a runner who wins – you must surrender to win. I trust that this book will be a knife that surgically removes the “P”, the “PP”, or whatever it is that has become a cancer that stops a fulfilling and fruitful life from being yours.

Pastor Jeff Kenney

New Hope International Church, Concord, CA

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Letter from Karen Justice-Guard

My friends, you are about to embark on an incredible journey – it is the start of your well balanced diet. You are an amazing person and this book will provide you with many tools to transform your life from the inside out. How do you do that? Well, first you need to hold on to your seat. You are about to start an experience so incredible and it is going to create many possibilities for you. It’s going to help remove the dysfunctional road blocks and belief systems that have held you back from positive life changes and healthy choices. You will learn how to position yourself so you have the ability to create new circumstances and opportunities that draw you closer to your God given purpose. Being on this journey is not always easy, but what is easy is to make sure you have the mindset to keep showing up.

It’s been just over four years now that I have had to truly face the light. Not a dim light or a bright light that blinds you – a light that guides you from the inside out. I went from false prosperity to the absolute bottom fast. When I say fast I’m not exaggerating. I quickly realized I was suffering a slow death filled with lots of ambitious hopes and drive. This started in 1996 and by the time 2004 came rolling around all of that purpose and God given gifts were being mishandled by my own self. I had no boundaries or limitations. Anger and justification clouded my judgment and I felt that I never had enough or was doing enough. It seemed that no matter what I did the void that was festering inside of me would not leave. To others I was an inspirational recovery addict who was running sober living homes, helping others get back on track, enjoying life, and getting off the welfare system. To myself, I was lonely and depleted of the nutrition I needed to live my “life” the right way.

In 2001, I was a part of creating the Contra Costa Funded Welfare to Work Program, two restaurants, a resource center, and six sober living homes. I received media recognition and reward, had money, and had fame. That sounds great, doesn’t it? Well, it wasn’t. The problem was that I never took the time to look at my inner circle and discover who I was surrounding myself with. I was in full operational mode with my people pleasing mentality and acceptance of my victim-box. My thinking patterns were very deadly. I always sat a little higher and thought I was invincible. I felt I could control every situation – whether it was drinking or drugs. Just because I wasn’t a big drinker I felt I could justify it because I was “in control”. In the back of my mind I knew there may come a day when I could have a craving for drugs again. It’s called complacency and it is a silent killer. I had not used drugs for over eighteen years. The day did arrive where drugs came back into my life.

When I let drugs back into my life it came with downright ugly results. The story, in summary, goes like this: It was 2004 and I was at my pinnacle. I had a partnership with a man that I loved; plus, a mortgage and real estate company. Between the homes I owned, my factory, store front, and a flourishing market, money just flowed my way. I loved to celebrate my success so everybody would know I had arrived. I had pride, but I didn’t stay on my God given path. Within a year, I went from 140 pounds to 201 pounds. My cholesterol was over 300 and I became violently sick in 2005. I ended up on chemo and interferon for thirteen months. I had liver disease and it attacked my kidneys. I was close to having to start kidney dialysis too. You would think that would be my bottom – it wasn’t. I still drank, and in fact, I ended up in a blackout and woke up in a crack house in the town where I proudly started six sober living homes. Do you see the problem? My house of cards started to fall and I found myself all alone. My family left me and my kids walked away.

I gave my intimate relationship one last chance and it finally fizzled out for good. I was left alone with mountains of debt (a three million dollar mountain). The sober living homes were spiraling out of financial control and my dream of helping others slowly turned into an absolute nightmare. I finally admitted defeat.

On September 11, 2006, I entered a two week recovery center. Sometimes God will do the things for us that we cannot do for ourselves. This was one of those times for me. My twelve year relationship came to an end. He moved out and I couldn’t believe that he’d do that after all we’d been through. I always stood by him without using a voice to protect me or my children. At the time, I couldn’t believe that was not enough. After two weeks in recovery I found clarity and I was ready to fight for my life. I wanted to change the destructive habits of my past.

When Mr. Love-of-My-Life drove off in the car (for good) ignoring my pleas he summed it up good for me. He simply yelled, “I don’t do druggies.” That’s when I decided that I was darn lucky he didn’t because he was not healthy for me. When my head was full of cobwebs and drugs he was the one for me. When it was clear and clean he definitely was not. I tolerated his mental abuse for years, accepted his anger, ignored his cheating, and a million little things that should have been a clear sign he was not the one for me. At that low moment, I knew he’d never have my heart and soul again. Never.

From that moment on God was there. I cried out to God and prayed for him to help me change my heart and mend me. I pleaded for him to take everything from me that I shouldn’t have and release me from the bondage of self destruction so I could be whole again. I absolutely, completely surrendered to God at that moment. Today, I continue to work my program even harder. I’ve fought so hard to not go back to my addictive ways. I was addicted right down to the people and things I attached to my life. Being at the end of my active addiction was quite the rude awakening to some hurdles that active addiction would have to deal with. I lost my sober living homes and invited the people in them to come live with me. My heart was in the right place, but that did not go anywhere good at all.

In 2005, it looked like things were really going great for me. I let my ego get in the way though and did not surround myself with a sound inner circle. Without true spiritual leadership and guidance I let the following things happen:

— I went from having the potential to sell all my sober living homes to losing them in the real estate crash. The reasons – stubbornness, not thinking I needed others, believing I was invincible.

— Losing a contract with Wal-Mart for all the products my factory was making. It came from a connection that was living in addiction and not right. What could have been an amazing opportunity with the right circle of people became another disappointing “what if”.

I was trying to do good for those in need despite my own needs. I wanted to right my wrongs. Yet, everything kept collapsing. I didn’t understand why and thought it was completely unfair (that term is used a great deal when we can’t justify why things are not going according to our plan – here’s a hint: it’s always been and always will be God’s plan and not ours). I was finally able to walk away from the chaos. Perhaps I hadn’t tried hard enough in the past. That is why I was thrilled when I got a call from the Montel William show. Typically, media attention had always worked in my favor for everything I wished to achieve. This show was about twins. Kim and I were a natural fit. The show’s crew followed my sister and me around for days. I was so nervous when I got on that set and could barely talk.

Much to my disappointment, the show didn’t meet my expectations at all. I had red flags going up and Montel asked me how long I’d been sober. It had been six months at that point and I just didn’t want to say that on TV. Due to my closing up Kim and I’s segment ended up being quite small – it just mentioned my infidelity with Kim’s now ex-husband. I had called the show asking them not to play any of those parts that mentioned Safe Havens. Thankfully, they didn’t. I was so devastated by how manipulative that experience felt, but at the same time I was proud that I showed some strength and integrity in protecting my boundaries. The last opportunity I had left was my movie option with Lifetime for a movie of the week. I had been on option for three years and it finally went into production. God had other plans for me and took that option away too. He knew that if I got paid that I would just recreate myself like always. So, when the writers’ strike in 2008 came I was stripped of every opportunity for that movie and it was gone. That's when I knew that I was not a credible person in God’s eyes or to myself. I needed some change quickly. I decided to go on a life diet.

The first phase of an effective life diet consists of ridding oneself of everything that has been allowed in our systems that is not healthy. A few of those things are drugs, alcohol, and food choices. The second part of that life diet is implementing everything into your body that is healthy for the physical body, mind, and spiritual journey that you take. The journey has been amazing and it has made such a significant difference in me. Today, I can be honest and forthcoming about what I used to be and about what I am today. I do not have the urge to deny anything because of shame. My urge lies within my desire to help every person that wants it.

I started recovery from my food addictions in early 2007. I started out with baby steps (baby food). I have slowly peeled away all the layers that were stopping me from being penetrated with the warmth and goodness of the Holy Spirit. I’ve thrown myself back into my church’s bible studies during the week and on weekends. I cannot get enough God in my life. I am finally ready to accept the countless messages that I have been given by God through the years. In 1999 I given a prophecy from Pastor Don, my spiritual leader, and told me that God opens doors that no human can close – I was going to play a significant role in people’s lives. In 2007 I was blessed with a calling and vision from a prophetic preacher, Dale Gentry (God’s Assignments: How to Start. How to Finish). He told me that I was going to bring people to the Lord, but it would not happen by being a preacher. Now, just this year (2010), I received the message from Bishop Tony Miller that God is looking for amateurs to lead the way. God is calling on people with visions that walk in his light to deliver a message – I truly feel in my heart that the time for me to be a warrior for God has arrived. Every few years God seems to be seeing if I am paying attention – and I am finally ready to accept my purpose.

My life has been overwhelmingly complicated and I find that it is a most gracious gift from God that I can remember so many of the details. I’m going to digress back to 2007 now. I also started going to my AA meeting and now I have started my food program. I find this amazing surrender on my scale every time I weigh and measure my food. Just like my food, I started to weigh and measure my life. I’ve been learning how to care for myself with the help of my sponsor. Every day that I show up I commit to me. My morning phone calls I have with my sponsor allow me to share my life with someone who wants nothing besides my success. I’m held accountable for my recovery in body, spirit, and mind. I have a circle of friends that are on the same journey as I me. We reach out daily to help one other. I’ve found intimacy and friendship that I only knew how to buy before. Each layer has taken me through a journey and it will take you through your journey as you read this book. Before peeling away my layers I never really understood the gravity of the situation. There was so much pain stored inside of me. It was trapped deep within my heart and soul. My victim-box protected it, but that box was growing week. The pressure that had been on my victim-box from the inside was getting to be too much for it to take.

For four years now I have been actively meditating and reaching the level of self awareness that is required to recover. It has been a huge factor in helping me overcome the loneliness which was there. The solitude from bad relationships that clouded my judgment and well being in the past has been so beneficial. I rely on me to make sure I am good now and don’t invite people that are not of good character in to fill any role I may need. That is just not acceptable. I am a Christian woman and for me, God’s word and message for me is the ultimate message. No person or situation will ever overrule what his plans are for me again. I speak this confidently because I gain more confidence every day of my journey.

Just writing this book has really helped me grow tremendously. It took a few months to get it written and each day has created a new awareness or way of thinking. I believe you will find that same thing happens to you as you go through the book and the journey it lays out before you. It will be scary and frightening sometimes. Other times you’ll feel like quitting because it is embarrassing and painful. Yet, when you get to the end you will get it and your life will be all the better for it.

The journey into the discovery of your own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives is one that no other person will ever take. It is deeply intimate and personal. You and your Higher Power are the only two who will experience it fully and your Higher Power will understand it long before you do. It is that understanding that your Higher Power gifts you with that make it so important to trust the direction of your Power and honor it. You must surrender to win or you will lose.

God gave us all the power of free will and choice. It is the single greatest test we will have every day of our lives. Even those who live in constant avoidance and fear make choices of their own free will daily. They may choose to hide and do nothing, but that is still a choice. When you are ready to heal and recover from whatever afflicts your heart you will find that your power of free will and choice can be used for a greater purpose.

This book is for the purpose of helping every person who has ever lost themselves along the journey we know as life. It is time to find out what started the catalyst that let you believe those bad decisions were your only decisions. If you have not forgiven yourself it is time to do so because you are holding yourself back from God’s plan for you if you don’t. I believe in God and celebrate that he is in my life every chance I get. If you do not believe in God you should still believe in this book. This book is here to show you how to rediscover how amazing you are, celebrate the journey of your life, and live in this world the way you were intended to.

Consider this metaphor. You’ve probably heard of chemical peels for showing your outer beauty. The purpose of this book is to give you an emotional peel so you can let your inner beauty shine through for everybody to see. You are being offered a valuable opportunity to go back through time and remove the burdens you’ve carried, the heartache you’ve felt, and the self pity you’ve possessed. All of your past experiences will always be there and they will always be a part of you. What can you do about it though? You can take those experiences, whether good or bad, and make your plan to live a better life.

Live a life that is good for you. Set an example of strength and integrity for those you love – for the entire world. Don’t be afraid to open up and show you care. Did you know that God knew every hair on your head before you were ever born? Yes, he did. That doesn’t mean that he wants you to suffer. However, God will take away your gifts until you learn not to implode under the strains of life and you learn how to explode with the gifts he’s given you. You don’t ever have to be perfect you just have to be true to yourself and you’ll live a better life than you ever would have thought imaginable.

Here’s my challenge to you. I want you to take this journey with me and dive in to who you are. I will be on this journey my entire life but now it is time to take some friends along and show them that the past doesn’t need to be the present or the future. This is a diet for your life and the key to changing what is wrong and replacing it with all that is right.

Godspeed my friends,

Karen Justice-Guard

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Introduction

It is time to take a journey through your life and evaluate the paths you’ve taken. When have you taken the correct path? When did you choose the wrong one? Our lives are made up of a series of choices. Even if we have made the wrong choices and have not had the outcome we’d desire that can change from this point forward. The way you to start to make those changes are by becoming your own best friend. Everything I share with you and tell you in this book will not be easy, but here’s my challenge to you:

Take this journey with me and dive into the joy of becoming your own best friend. It is time to put you first and stay the course. It may not be easy the entire way and you may falter at some point. If you even start off by absorbing one bit of wisdom from me (who has learned the difficult way and is still learning) you will be a person who is more true to yourself for it.

The Most Important Thing I Have Discovered in the Journey

The most important thing I have discovered in my journey for growth and awareness is one of the simplest things any person can do, but many are resistant to do. I turned myself over to God. For those of you with a different belief system than mine you should consider a Higher Power (Higher Self). I have not always believed in God. In fact, I resisted every signal he’s given me for most of my life. I was stubborn, defiant, addicted to addictions, and had no idea on how to even change the course of my life. Then, like most people who lead destructive lives, it came down to two choices: live or die.

Despite the pathetic, miserable life I had been living and was fortunate enough to survive I decided that I wanted to live. Not just breathe or take up space. I wanted to make a difference and use the gifts that I’d been given. I had no clue what my gifts were because I’d lost myself long ago but I did know that I had remained resilient, driven, and determined throughout the bad times. I had to find a way to take that resiliency, drive, and determination and direct it into the right direction. It was that realization itself that was the catalyst to making it all happen. I looked at me in the mirror. I looked past the strung-out shell of a person that was there in front of me, past the make-up, and past the battle wounds of abuse. At that moment I dove into untapped parts of my soul and God came to me. It is the most special moment of my life. My mother may have given me birth but God has helped give me life. Here are some of the things that God has given me. Every person that has surrendered to God or a Higher Power can say similar things but they are amazing, pure, and absolutely good for you:

— Unconditional love

— Always there to listen

— Wants nothing but the best for you

— Will give you direction

— Gives you peace

— Rejuvenates you

— Holds your hand through everything

— Has a sense of humor

No matter what you are seeking to change in your life you will find that God or a Higher Power is there to help you out. Everybody has something that can be changed. No human ever has been or will be perfect. Do you want to break a bad habit? Would you like to overcome an addiction? Has violence taken over your life? No matter what you need to change – small or large it can happen with God or your Higher Power.

Why the Layers are so Important

The layers that this book is built on refer to every bit of “tough skin” we have developed over our lives. That tough skin was put in place by us. Its purpose was to help us protect ourselves. You will soon discover that those layers are often what hurt us the most. What started out as a temporary shelter has turned into a destructive habit or thought pattern. I know that we all have layers and we do need layers. What we need to do is create layers that give us personal strength, accountability, and courage. Once we develop those types of layers we will live better lives (even despite ourselves at times). In the end, everybody who peels away the layers will create new layers that are built upon our gut instincts and the good voice in our heads. Did you know that the voice in your head is probably God or your Higher Power trying to get through to you? It is and they will keep trying because they refuse to give up on you.

How You Make This Book Work for You

This book incorporates a lifetime of chaos from my end and how I’ve overcome it. However, do not take it as the biography of my life. I’ve been blessed to find a better path and I’m using my God given gifts to help other people rediscover themselves, peel away the layers, and rebuild their life on a better foundation. Your experiences do not have to be as intense as mine have been and your path may not be as off course as mine was. What I am sharing with you is how I went from blaming my surroundings for my actions and started to take control. The first way to get control back of your life or any part of it is to surrender the past and take accountability. This is a book to show you how to change your life and not a book to show you how to change it while you blame everybody else for it. Make sense? Don’t worry if it doesn’t yet because it will by the end.

As you read through the chapters on this book I encourage you to read one at a time, then take a day or two to think about what you read. The end of each chapter will have a few questions for you to ponder and think about. Those questions have one purpose – to open up to habits you may have created from past experiences – both good habits and bad habits. Understanding where your patterns come from helps you make the changes you need to grow healthier, stronger, and more fulfilled every day. Every person should have the desire to grow daily because if you don’t want to grow you will start to die. It’s that simple.

Before you start the next book chapter, consider rereading the first one. None of the chapters are so long that it cannot be done. It’s up to you to decide if you are willing to do it. The reason I recommend it is that it will reinforce that layer and help make the next layer have more purpose.

You’ve purchased this book. That shows that you’ve already made the commitment to make a change. That is one of the toughest steps and you are on your way. I’m happy for you and you should be thrilled for you. When you’ve finished reading this book I would love to hear any comments or feedback you have. I am here to help you by sharing what I’ve went through and how I’ve turned it around. With that in mind, I am still human. I cannot be perfect or personally have all the answers for everybody. My contact information is in the back of the book if you should need it.

Do not Rule Out the Effectiveness of the Twelve Steps

Even if you do not term yourself as a person with the addictions that are typically associated with a twelve step program you need to understand and appreciate the power of the twelve steps. They have been proven to work for over eighty years when it comes to helping people overcome their obstacles, challenges, and hurdles in life. I am living proof of that. Did you hear that? Living proof! I have made it and I need help making it each and every day. The twelve steps teach me every day, help me through every day, and keep me strong on my journey every day. As you’ve noticed, I do say the word journey a lot and will through this entire book. Life is a journey and has no guaranteed outcome. The best way to get the outcome you’d like is to learn how to make the decisions that give you the best chances. You have perhaps heard the saying that there are no guarantees in life. That is absolutely true. While there may be no guarantees there are solid stepping stones that increase your chances substantially. The twelve steps are the most solid of stepping stones for any person in any challenging situation. Here are the twelve steps:

1. We admitted we were powerless over (insert addiction) —that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Sources to Turn to for Help in Your Life

Every person needs somebody that they can count on. If you cannot count on anybody that you know there are endless other resources that you can turn to. These resources came into existence for the very purpose of helping people in need. No judgment or criticism – just a willingness to help you and walk the tough journey you need to go through by your side. Look to these places for help with your problems, no matter what they are:

— A church group or organization

— Anonymous groups (AA, NA, GA, etc.)

— Police department

— Abuse shelters

— Guidance counselors and teachers

— Ministry professionals

— Psychologists and psychiatrists

These are just a few of the resources that are available to everybody who needs their help. They know and understand what you are going through. You are accepted and welcomed by these groups. They will support you and help you. Do not expect that they will not challenge you though. Without taking on some challenges you cannot really discover the root of your problems and make changes. Change is not easy but positive change is definitely worth it. At the back of this book you’ll find a fairly extensive directory of resources for each state – it’s a great starting point for any person in need for anything.

This Poem Says It All

Don’t worry if poems are not your thing. This poem is a great one for everybody who is looking for a change. It was written by Robert Frost, one of America’s first great poets. I want to share it with you. After you’ve read it I’ll let you know what I get out of it and I believe you will too.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden back.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sign
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

By Robert Frost

For me, this poem lets me know that we should not fear taking the road less traveled because it is often the road that is true to ourselves. The road that looks easier to travel because it is paved does not mean that it is the better choice. Life is full of obstacles and challenges. If we don’t take them on we are not really living it. I have not always done that, but I try to now. I choose the road less traveled and it is making all the difference in my life.

Questions for Thought

1. Do I want certain changes in my life?

2. Am I ready to be completely honest?

3. Do I want a positive outlook for my life?

If your answers are yes that is fantastic. If your answers are maybe you are so close. If your answers are no you need to keep reading this book and discover the power of a positive yes in your life.

* * *

Surrender and Release the Anger

This layer teaches you to let go of anger from the past

“You, Yourself, are to be feared; and who may stand in Your presence when once You are angry?”

Psalm 76:7

Anger – we’ve all felt it at some point in our lives. When we are truly angry it is all consuming and fills up our hearts and soul like a loaded gun of negativity. I call this my victim-box. It protects my heart and denies my soul the opportunity to soar. Denying anger is not unusual. If you come from a family like mine you were trained well to deny anger and repress other feelings such as love and hate. Many of us have suffered from the repercussions of childhood wounds and wounds inflicted upon us by our caretakers. In our lives we all have had moments of anger, whether we admit it or not. Some of us push those feeling of anger away; some of us become friends with it; some act like they have never been affected by anger at all. Anger is not the problem. What we do with it is.

It is okay to be angry, but how we deal with anger is what makes the difference. Remember everybody has their own journey and their way of getting to the truth. The truth is what enables us to release the anger within the heart and soul. I’m one of those people that have used anger against myself or manipulated others to get my needs met in very unhealthy ways. Acknowledging anger is the first step to being free of it. That sounds easy, but since I was raised to deny anger admitting it often feels too risky. Admitting anger may be one of the reasons why you're reading this book. I use my personal stories to inspire you to go within yourself, dig it all up, and finally get it out. We all have the courage to change. Believe me, I get so angry sometimes that I start to shake and cry. I just cannot help it. The emotions surge through my body like a super charged lightning bolt. It is that intense when it happens. The gift is that we can drain the anger in our victim hearts by releasing and grieving all the layers away. It is then that our hearts can rejuvenate and pump fresh blood into our bodies – give us vitality in our lives. Yes, there is a lot of hard work ahead of us. This is recovery. If you are angry your work starts here. It’s okay to be scared, but if you weren't ready for it you wouldn't be showing up to this amazing opportunity. You are prepared to handle the growth inside of you that is about to happen. Our happiness is tied to our honesty.

A majority of my life has been filled with fear and anger that would not subside. The only time I received any sort of temporary relief is when I would use mood-altering chemicals or food. That is why they were always so appealing to me. I never was in touch with my anger on the conscious level because I truly believed that showing anger with myself or anger with another person would only harm me and prevent me from getting my needs met. At first, it was definitely easier to blame everybody around me. The child that lives in me was always willing to take the blame and actively play the shame game. The lousy events that happened to me were everybody’s fault but mine. All of this was in my victim- box covering my heart and soul. It was that approach to my anger that had directed me toward the desire to be a people pleaser. I used to be so confident that one day my life would be perfect if I just made everybody happy around me. I never knew how to say, “No!”, “That hurt.”, or “You can’t treat me that way.” I didn't have any methods in place to assist me until I found God’s love for me. What I have discovered is that I was not only unhappy but I was downright pissed off at everything even though I didn’t show it to anybody else. Sometimes I didn't even know that I was angry until I turned the entire wrath on myself. Through it all God never turn his back on me. I found myself in a vicious cycle of lashing out at people one minute and trying to make it all better the next.

Key Times When Anger Ruled Me

For me, anger started from the time I was in the womb. I am an identical twin and there is no way to truly explain what all happens and the bonds that are formed when you are sharing that environment with another. For me, Kim has always brought me both comfort and anger. Her strengths were my weaknesses. My strengths were here weaknesses. The bond we developed in our mother’s womb has made us interconnected in ways that most people will never experience with somebody. Literally, I have not known what is like to not be with somebody from the time I was conceived until recently. I’ve always associated that bond or connection with others as a sign of safety and security. I simply made it be that way and blocked out what was not safe or secure. Bullies come in many sizes and shapes. They aren't always easily recognized. But the emotional harm can be truly damaging. Their effects on our minds and spirits can immobilize us for a lifetime if we let it.

When I was born my face was indented. Kim’s body weight was on my head in the womb and it made me literally have an indented face and a lazy eye. People would always come up and ask if they could hold the beautiful one. I would watch as they picked Kim up and I stayed in the stroller feeling unloved and ugly. I couldn’t even talk yet but I knew that I had to find a way to protect my heart from the cruelty of those people. It was a vibration and a feeling that I had deep inside me – even at that age. I just wanted to be loved and liked by people. I developed my victim-box because I did not want anybody to hurt my heart ever again. I made a promise to myself. Although I couldn’t clearly define it I made a very conscious decision deep inside me from the moment I was born to make people happy because they’d accept me and love me then. I would not let my heart be hurt by others and I would protect it. My anger would be stored away because if I ever expressed it there was no way I’d get the love and attention that I was longing for.

Over our entire lives Kim has been the expression of what I suppressed. She has always shown her anger and let everybody know that she didn’t care what they thought – it was all about her. I, on the other hand, never let anybody know what was happening deep down. I made a decision to be the perfect one no matter what. It came at a high personal price. I have always been on a spiritual journey and seeking out people that I could show love to and hopefully be loved in return. But I always attracted people who intuitively knew my weakness and used it to my disadvantage. I ran on the fear, obligation, and guilt that characterize most "toxic relationships". My anger never came across and nobody would have ever guessed that it existed. I was the text book definition of a passive aggressive person. Since nobody was concerned about my feelings of safety and well being even as a little baby I was going to do everything I could to make myself feel safe and secure – the only difference would be that nobody would know I was doing it. It was my job to do it and I wouldn’t express my desires to anybody else.

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