Re-Write Your Life
A Transformational Guide to Writing
and Healing the Stories of Our Lives
by June Swadron
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
June Swadron for Smashwords
Re-Write Your Life
Copyright © 2009 by June Swadron
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
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Cover painting by Nikki Menard
Sketches by Josée Hart
Excerpt from Journey to Personal Freedom with permission from Heart Solutions, publisher.
Further Praise for Re-Write Your Life
“This book is wonderful, amazing and wise. I was inspired to write from the very first pages. But it does more than simply inspire—it is a map. It guides its readers, with signposts and specific details, in how to write their life stories. As a hospice counsellor, I lead journaling groups to help people express and work through their grief, but for many it is hard to continue this process when alone. Re-write Your Life provides the encouragement and support needed for anyone to begin and continue on their own. I would recommend it to any of my grieving clients and to anyone at all who wants to examine their life to find healing and joy and discover the sheer pleasure of writing their life story.”
Steve Silvers, MA, MFT, Hospice Counsellor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
“June guides us through a gentle process that is both healing and empowering. …my past no longer haunts me but enriches and enlightens me to a new aliveness. …a true gift to myself.”
Rev. Doris Trinh Lewis, Unity Church, Victoria, BC
“June’s raw honesty with her personal stories sets the tone for an inspirational book that will nudge all readers to open up to writing their own experiences. The stories here are moving, some heart wrenching, and truly awaken more appreciation for life; they speak to the ability of the human spirit to transcend circumstances, accidents, dysfunctional families and all challenges, and most definitely remind us that by writing our own stories, we can gain a deeper insight into our lives. Anyone reading these stories will be lifted up!”
Melba Burns, Ph.D. writer, writing coach, author of Woo Your Writing Within & You’ll Write with Wonder.
Workshop testimonials in Appendix B
Dedications
Without the presence of God’s love in my life, I cannot fathom where I might be today. The unmistakable benevolence that holds me in my darkest hour, and the unimaginable joy that fills me when inspiration hits, are beyond description. Between the extremes of despair and elation is the place where I rest knowing the Source of Infinite Love is available to me in every moment. For this I am eternally grateful.
I dedicate this book to my late parents, Minnie and Jimmie Swadron who loved me the best way they knew how and sometimes it was with love beyond measure.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1. Beginnings: Looking Back To Step Forward
Chapter 2. Opening To Grace A Personal Story
Guidelines How To Use This Book
Guidelines for Writing Your Life Stories
Centering Exercise before Writing
Invocation—Opening to the Gifts
Chapter 2. Teachers and Mentors
Chapter 3. A Time in My Life When I Was Stronger Than I Thought
Chapter 4. A Significant Relationship
Chapter 7. Spirituality/Religion
Chapter 11. About My Sisters and Brothers
Chapter 14. Transitions & Crossroads
Chapter 15. A Health Setback: an Illness, an Accident
Chapter 16. Death of a Loved One
Chapter 17. Another Kind of Death: The Death of Your Spirit
Chapter 20. Re-Write Your Life: The Highest Vision You Hold For Yourself
Acknowledgements
I thank Esther Hart whose invaluable skill, commitment, kindness and deep love has made the completion of this book possible.
From the day she said YES to helping me see my book to the finishing line, there has only been delight. When I have been overwhelmed by the immensity of this task, her consistent joy, ease and enthusiasm erased any doubt in me. Instead her joy was contagious enabling me to come to these pages with passion and purpose. Because of Esther I have experienced what it is to be believed in and know the glorious gift of love without conditions.
I thank Eric Hellman, Shoshana Litman, Rebecca Kennel, Darlene McKee. Nadine Drexler, Tom Little and Debbi Jones for their fine edits, comments and suggestions that helped to move this book forward.
I thank Nikki Menard for creating my beautiful soul painting. I feel blessed that her artistry graces the front cover of my book. It was when I saw her creation that it all became real for me. I could, for the first time, visualize Re-Write Your Life in print. What a gift!
I thank Teya Danel who, with Nikki’s input, did an exceptional job of the layout and design of the book cover.
I thank Josée Hart for her creativity and skill as an artist in designing the quill and pen graphics that introduce each story and the Let’s Write sections.
I thank my thousands of students over the years who have shared their life stories with me. Week after week they sat in our sacred circles (usually in my living room) willing to write and read with open hearts their stories of both love and loss. They wrote deep into their truth thus always uniting us with their honest tears or unbridled laughter.
They taught me about the many gifts that await us when we are willing to remove our masks and open to our divine nature. They reinforced in me the unmistakable knowledge that this process works.
I thank them for gracing my home and my life with their kindest and most authentic love.
I thank each of the 33 men and women who contributed their beautiful stories to Re-Write Your Life. I thank them for the gift of their words and especially, their hearts. Many of them attended my workshops. They filled my heart with gratitude as they moved through the process with faith and courage. Each story in this book gives the reader beautiful, personal, heart-warming stories to read and, I am certain, inspiration to pick up their pens and begin to write their own.
There is a complete listing of contributors in Appendix A.
Foreword
Who wrote the book of love? June Swadron; and this is it.
It has been my pleasure to work with June on Re-Write Your Life for the last eight months. She has been working on it for a much longer time.
June was a very dear friend before we started to work together on the book. She has been a blessing to me, always quick to remind me that “You are the gift” even when it was hard for me to hear it.
I have been blessed to participate in one of the groups that June facilitated. I know firsthand the love that she brings to the room. She creates a safe atmosphere that allows people to go deep into their experiences, share their writing in the group and experience transformational healing from Re-Writing their story.
I’ve come to realize that most of my experience comes from stories I tell myself. Something occurs and then I make up a story about it. I ignore what actually happened and live in the story. When I look at the story closely, I usually find that based on what actually happened there are many others stories that could be just as true. June’s facilitation allows us to uncover another story so that we can be at peace with our past.
The stories that you and I are privileged to read in Re-Write Your Life are a testament to the love and support that June offers each individual in the group as they experience the healing that comes from Re-Writing the stories of their lives.
I am pleased that June is sharing her special talent now with a much wider audience through Re-Write Your Life. Now an unlimited number of people can benefit from the process that June has developed over many years of facilitating groups.
Throughout the book you will also read June’s stories. What she shares with others comes from her own personal experience of healing her life stories through writing. Working with her on the book gave me an even deeper glimpse of her willingness to be completely vulnerable in order to get to the truth of her stories.
Just the other day we were commenting on how beautiful the book creation process has been for us. There has been no conflict. June listened to every edit suggestion with amazing openness even when she didn’t agree. Our friendship has deepened and our life journey has been blessed by the experience. I am confident that this is because both of us have very consciously Re-Written the stories of our lives, continue to do so on a daily basis and now have a much better ability to be in relationship.
My hope is that as you go through the book, follow the suggestions and Re-Write the stories of your life, you will find peace, joy and freedom even when your external world is in chaos; that you will create a habit of looking closely at the stories that are forming your experience and see where Re-Writing a story can change a troubled experience to a more peaceful one.
Allow June to be your guide to remembering who you really are.
Esther Hart
Author of Journey to Personal Freedom and coming soon The Giggle Factor.
p.s. There is great reading in this book and you may be deeply inspired by what you read. However, the greatest benefit from this book will be when you put it down to do the writing exercises. When you have completed the process, you may wish to start over again to see what new stories wish to be written. At the very least, I encourage you to continue writing. You may even consider forming a group of trusted friends to join you in working through the book.
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Forming a Sacred Circle To Write Your Life Stories
Writing and sharing your life stories with others in a safe, nonjudgmental environment is an awesome, empowering and potentially life-changing experience. (See student testimonials in Appendix B).
Safety, caring, compassion and kindness are critical for the success of this process. June calls her workshops, “Sacred Circles.” It is important that they not become critique groups. If they become that, the freedom for a person to write and share their personal stories will be greatly diminished. Our souls flourish in a safe, non-judgmental environment. We grow strong in an atmosphere of kindness and respect, knowing we are being supported exactly as we are.
If you are interested in facilitating your own Re-Write Your Life workshops with friends or family, using June’s uniquely designed programme, you can download: Re-Write Your Life - Manual for Facilitating Workshops on June’s website. www.juneswadron.com.
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Introduction
If you are holding this book and reading this page, consider it no accident. Just as your life has been no accident—nor whatever you have lived, and whomever you have known. None of it has been helter-skelter. At least that is what I have come to believe.
Universal intelligence and guidance has been there with us and for us in every moment. Everything that happens to us happens for a reason even if we can’t make sense of it at the time. Yet, looking back somewhere down the road, we can say “Ah, yes, this is why that happened. I was put in this direction, which led me to meet up with the man who then became my mentor.” or “Who would have guessed that the woman who caused the accident where I was severely injured would soon become my dearest friend?”
When we carefully look back over some of the situations we have lived, we can begin to make sense of the pieces of the puzzle that had left us with questions over time.
The focus of this book is to write the stories of our lives in such a way that will uncover the inherent truths in every story—in every situation we’ve lived—even the very painful ones—or shall I say, especially those. Often the people and events that have presented the biggest burdens are our greatest teachers.
In Writing Your Life, author Patti Miller illustrates it this way: “Exploring your life through the written word offers: growth in self-knowledge and understanding, the sorting through of problems, the possibility of forgiveness and the freedom to make a new start, the joy of realizing unknown strengths, the pleasure of reliving good times and the value of sharing your experiences with others, including others in the future.”
The processes offered in this book ask you to be a willing and loving witness to your life while letting go of old perceptions, resentments and/or hurts. It will assist you to stop investing precious energy in past memories or in future possibilities. It will propel you to live today with full appreciation for whatever this day brings.
This process does not have to be difficult. When we take the position that everything that’s happened to us has happened for a reason, we then can become the observer and witness to our stories. We are no longer the victims of circumstance. We become detectives, sleuths and anthropologists—excavating that which has been buried or hidden. We become social scientists, observing our behavior, manners, beliefs, attitudes and actions that have helped shape our lives. We see what has been effective and what hasn’t. We are on an exciting journey of self-discovery.
As you move through the pages of this book, I wish to be your invisible, kind and loving witness while you revisit and embrace the milestones that have made your life rich with meaning—the challenging and painful times as well as the exciting and joyful ones. You will bring new clarity and understanding to old circumstances, put closure on unfinished business, laugh and cry at the meanderings of your life and bring to the present a new respect and reverence for the blessings of every day.
Some of my life stories are inserted throughout the pages of this book. Often these stories were not written as a narrative after the fact, but while I was deep in the throes of what was going on. This may be your experience as well. Even if you are writing about something that happened twenty years ago, it is the energy that you carry with you today that defines it and gives you an opportunity to be with it, learn from it, and if necessary, release it and let it go.
Besides my own stories, woven throughout these pages, there are many remarkable true life stories written by 33 other writers. The majority have been students of my writing life stories workshop series,
“Sacred Stories—Celebrating Your Life Journey”. The students followed the same memory prompts you will find throughout this book. It is my hope that, in reading these true life accounts, you will know that you are not alone, and that you will pick up your pen and join us in our united journey of Re-Writing and “Re-Right-ing” the stories of our lives.
Get ready to Re-Write Your Life so you can live in the here and now with peace, acceptance and gratitude.
Namaste, June
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Having had a silent prayer
To one day become aware
I yearned for knowledge
And I sought
I asked to learn and I was taught
Truly to my own surprise
I merely looked within my eyes
And grew to know the wisdom there
And now my journey is to share.
June Swadron, 1974
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Book 1,
Getting Ready
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Part A
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Chapter 1
Beginnings: Looking Back To Step Forward
When I was eleven years old, I was given a diary for my birthday. I treasured that little red book with its tiny lock and key. It brought me into a private world where no one was allowed to enter. It sent me on a path of writing and healing that I could never have known back then. That diary became my best friend, my steady companion. I learned I could say things to it that I couldn’t tell anyone else. I would write my secrets, my pain, my poetry, my just about everything. In fact my ‘diary’, which I have since called my ‘journal’, has provided me a safe refuge all through my life. It never complains or gets bored or angry. I don’t have to show up with my hair brushed, makeup on, clothes all clean and pressed. I can go to it in my pyjamas or bring it to my favourite café or write in it in my doctor’s office while waiting to be seen. There are no rules; just show up, pen in hand and a willingness to open to whatever comes.
Sometimes what comes is quite painful and raw, yet many of these tender entries have become my best poems or songs—or turned around become my most humorous stories. But many times I deserted my journal, and in so doing, deserted myself. Those were the times I didn’t write. I didn’t partake of its incredible generosity to help me find my answers which would give me the stability and clarity that I needed. I called it writer’s block but it really was fear. Fear of saying things I didn’t want to hear—afraid to see them in print. I clearly wanted to write my life story but I was scared. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. And I was afraid to reveal things that I had kept secret for years.
Then one day, I found myself sitting at my desk and starting. It came to the point that writing my life story was no longer an arbitrary choice. It was the healing vehicle that jumped out at me and I had to do it. My life was filled with so much pain from the past that I knew if I didn’t address it, it would eventually destroy me. I would continue to make poor choices, stay in unhealthy relationships and be stuck in the loop of blame, shame and depression. I knew I had to write my stories in order to claim back my life.
And so I did. With determination and patience, I as the older woman, was able to go back with a brand new appreciation for all the different stages of who I—the infant, toddler, pre-teen, teenager and younger adult—had once been. Looking back I could see and feel her sadness, confusion—her shyness, defensiveness—her passion—her joy—her loves and her losses. Stepping outside and being a witness to my younger self, I got to know her in a way I had never known her before. I watched her in her unfolding and was able to bring to the younger me understanding, compassion and forgiveness. The process taught me how to love myself. On the pages I didn’t have to play the roles I would sometimes play in the outside world. I didn’t have to smile when I was feeling sad or be brave when I was feeling anything but courageous. I didn’t have to be nice or not nice. I simply had to tell my truth.
As I did, I moved from loss and confusion into a place where things began to make sense, where clarity rose up from murky waters. Over time I could see a palpable difference in the way I walked, the way I talked and the way I viewed the world. I was becoming stronger, more confident and less afraid. I still had doubts and insecurities but I was visibly miles ahead of where I was before.
For all of us, it takes great courage and determination to walk consciously into the past, back into old pain to make sense of it—to open doors that have been locked, perhaps for decades, with an intention to let in the light—letting light in to give compassion to the younger person we were. This juncture calls for a willingness to embrace the past, let go of old anger, blame and resentments, search our hearts for forgiveness for ourselves and for others and move on.
Sometimes when life is difficult we either become complacent or race quickly into what is next, not stopping to reflect on what just occurred. The road we are taking is the opposite of denial or giving up. It is one where often there is no road map. It is outside of familiar territory; it pushes all comfort zones and boundaries and is definitely “the road less traveled.” Yet paradoxically, it is also the one that leaves room for love and miracles to shine in. And there is something mystical and magical about the writing process itself. We ask inside for guidance and become a conduit. Suddenly we are no longer figuring out what we want to say and how to say it. Our remembering comes from our listening, which becomes our writing on the page. We are taking dictation from what we hear. Each word flows naturally into a sentence, which breathes into the next and the next as a living entity. And it is these words, revealing new insights and memories, that become the catalyst for healing and understanding. It is here that tired or stuck energy gets lifted and a new lightness of being takes hold. New perceptions dance into consciousness accompanied by a sense of peace and often exhilaration. Our stories are being told! The truth is setting us free! We are writing ourselves home.
Writing Yourself Home
What does it mean to “write yourself home”? For me, it’s an expression of writing that originates from deep in your heart and spirit. Your soul awaits you here. You only need to step to the side and let the words flow forth. There’s a kindness here, a beckoning, a sense of wholeness. There’s no need to edit from this place. Truth resonates here. Here you can go back to the difficult times of your past as well as the beautiful times with brand new awareness and consciousness. It’s about embracing the adult you are today as well as the life you lived before. Here you come home to yourself. The exercises in this book are designed to guide you through this process.
Writing yourself home gives you the opportunity to impart your truth. It may not be the exact way it happened. But it’s your truth as to the way it happened and that’s vital. Each of us can occupy the same time and space with the same outer experience yet it will be our inner experience and our personal perceptions that will determine its meaning.
Sometimes when memories surface that are painful, you may be tempted to write around them instead of through them. You might write in a fashion that sounds good in order to gain acceptance and approval—even from people who may be long since gone from your life—or to try to look good to yourself. You might find yourself holding back or relating events in an apologetic or kind and poetic way that reads nicely, but it’s not the truth and you’ll know it as you write it. It’s important to lovingly and compassionately acknowledge that part of you that wants to hold back. Breathe and continue writing from a genuine place. Anything less would be cheating yourself and not worth the exercise.
May Sarton describes it this way: (quoted in Writing from the Body by John Lee, 1994).
“I believe one has to stop holding back for fear of alienating some imaginary reader or real relative or friend and come out with personal truth. If we are to understand the human condition, and if we are to accept ourselves in all the complexity, self-doubt, extravagance of feeling guilt, joy, the slow freeing of the self to its full capacity for action and creation, both as human being and as artist, we have to know all we can about each other, and we have to be willing to go naked.”
Going naked is a vulnerable place to be. As well it is an authentic place to be. It gives you back your voice. It delves into shadows and rebirths the light. It portends forgiveness. It moves you along the path of resurrection that brings about closure to life-long anger, regrets, resentments and pain. Going naked allows you to call your spirit back. It doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a process that calls for patience, commitment and faith.
No one—not me, not your best friend, your partner, your mother—no one knows what you lived but you. Therefore no one can go back and remember and heal these things for you. Other people may have been there but their interpretations will be different from yours. When you acknowledge that which you have lived while staying open to a greater truth, the result will be a deeper clarity and compassion for you and for others.
Some years ago, while I was writing my life story, On Her Way Home—A Woman’s Story, it was as though an angel was sitting on my shoulder—which she probably was—and I too was an angel for myself. Instead of wallowing in my past, shaming myself, minimizing my life or embellishing it, I simply wrote from memory as it was given to me—each time asking for guidance and clarity, as I allowed my hands to move swiftly across the computer keyboard—neither editing nor judging, simply writing. It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes I felt completely spent afterward and wondered what the point was in doing all of this. But I honoured my commitment to myself to do it and the writing strengthened me. I didn’t know this at the time. At the time I was just writing and willing to be as honest and as gentle with myself as I could be. I ask you to do the same.
We all have the ability to heal the pain in our lives. It is our perceptions of the things that occur, our interpretations of these events and our responses to them that ultimately keep us in chains or set us free. Under all that has happened to us, under all the pain, fear, chaos and clutter is a much deeper meaning. And if we dare to look for the meaning, gifts will reveal themselves.
Let’s Write
Self-awareness Exercise
The following is an exercise designed to help you excavate deeper truths as to why you want to write your life stories. It will give you insights and clarity as you go toward the next step. The exercise originates from one of my teachers, Leonard Shaw, author of the book: Love and Forgiveness. He suggests answering 4 questions 10 times as quickly as possible. Write the questions and answers as in the example below.
Here are the four questions:
Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
Regarding
writing my life stories, what do I need?
Regarding writing my life
stories, what do I fear?
Regarding writing my life stories, what
do I hope for?
Example:
Regarding writing my life stories what do I want?
want to have a living legacy for my children.Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
want to reveal the truth.Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
want to be free of the past and live more fully in today.Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
want to understand myself better.Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
want to learn to forgive those who have hurt me, learn to forgive myself and put closure on these past events and move on.Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
want to be grateful for my life and see the gifts that my stories have given me and how I am stronger for them.Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
want to help inspire and empower others who may have had similar experiences.Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
want to embrace every experience in my life—knowing that there has been a gift and lesson in each.Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
want to write my stories to essentially let go of them and be free from old wounds.Regarding writing my life stories, what do I want?
want to finally accept myself fully—all of me—remembering that I have always done the very best I could at the time.
Do this 10 times as quickly as you can and then do the same exercise for the questions:
What do I need?
What do I fear?
What do I hope for?
Don’t be concerned about repeating yourself. It simply means that this answer is particularly strong for you. The insights you will gain from doing this exercise may surprise you. They will reveal the deeper truth as to why you are choosing to undergo this healing journey and reinforce your commitment to it.
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Opening to Grace
A Personal Story
When I was deciding where to put the following life story, knowing that it could fit into other sections of this book where I share parts of my life, I chose to have it close to the beginning. From the start, I want you to know who I am, not only as a psychotherapist, author and writing coach but also as a woman who lives with her own struggles and knows the relief and liberation that comes from a committed and continuous healing process. For me, a significant part of that process has been writing my life stories.
Living With a Mental Illness
One day my mother sat me down and told me she didn’t know what to do to make me feel better, that it felt too big for her to carry. She wanted me to go with her to the hospital where some doctors would talk to me.
“They’ll know what to do, honey,” she tried to smile. “They will make you feel like Junie again. They’ll bring back our Junie, I promise,” she cried, wiping back tears.
I sat there horrified but couldn’t speak. She put me in the car and drove me to the Branson Hospital on Finch Avenue in Toronto. I was in absolute terror as they admitted me. When my mother left me that day I thought my life was over.
“Mommy, please don’t go. Please, mommy! Don’t go!” I inwardly screamed.
I was an infant trapped in a twenty-year-old body and the only thing that mattered was my mommy was going away and now I would surely die.
Life on the ward was unbearable. I was expected to sit in ‘the lounge’ with other crazies like me and watch the world go by. Every now and then they would call us into a larger room where we would sit on chairs in a circle. We were asked to talk about how we were feeling. I had no language. I could not talk. The people in the other chairs terrified me. I wanted my mommy. More, I wanted to die. “God strike me dead,” I begged from a hollow cave inside me. I hid in my room. They’d come and get me and take me back to the lounge. I’d slip back to my room. They’d come and get me again. There was nowhere to go. I had nowhere else to hide. Nothing was helping—none of the umpteen medications they had me on nor the individual or group therapies. My mother and father came every day. So did Joseph, a man who loved me no matter what. I was told my siblings came as well but I have no recollection of that. I just remember living for the visits from my mom and wanting to end my life every time she left.
At the end of a very long month the doctor told my parents there was nothing else they could do for me. He said that I probably used a lot of drugs while I was away in Europe and that there’s no telling if I’ll ever come out of it. He went on to tell them that I may have damaged my brain cells irreparably. He said he was sorry but they could take me home now. I knew he was lying. I never did drugs. I couldn’t defend myself. There was a veil between me and them. I could hear but I couldn’t speak. But I could go home! That was all that mattered. I was never so happy in my life. I was also never so terrified. I was just condemned to a living death—to be this way forever.
Excerpt from On Her Way Home—A Woman’s Story
June D. Swadron
Let’s Write
Now that you’ve read the above story, write from where you are right now—from what you feel right now. Don’t go into the kitchen and grab a donut. Don’t make that phone call you’ve been meaning to make since last Thursday. Grab your notebook and pen instead. Write down whatever comes to you from reading that passage.
Is there someone in your life who lives with a mental illness? A friend, a parent, a sibling, a child? How do you feel when you are with that person? Is it challenging? Perhaps it’s you. How do you manage with your own bouts of illness? Write from your compassion, your anger, your emptiness and your losses. Write from your fear, your frustration, your sadness, your acceptance, your grief or your shame. Where do you feel these emotions in your body? And if you are one of the fortunate people who are not touched by mental illness, what event in your life did this story evoke in you? Be gentle. Begin to write.
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Chapter 3
Finding the Gift
When I was twenty years old I was diagnosed with manic depressive illness. The excruciating pain and desperation that this illness causes, the sense that there is no escape from it and the inherent hopelessness, has made me want to give up many times. There were occasions when I did give up, but my life kept being spared. It taught me that I am here on this planet for a bigger purpose. I always seemed to know that, even as a child, but for me, it seemed incongruent. How could I be here trusting that I am to do something important with my life, make a difference, when I am hospital bound again and again with circumstances that often felt out of my control?
Perhaps one of the biggest challenges was coming home after being in a hospital psychiatric ward and needing to re-enter my professional life. I was filled with dread. I had to face my therapy clients and students who awaited my return. Rarely would they know where I had been. But I knew. My self-imposed judgments haunted me, judgments that I would never place on anyone else. I gave myself the following drill dozens of times: “Look at you, you’re a trained psychotherapist—you should know better; how can you be helping others when you can’t help yourself? You’re obviously a fraud.” Sometimes that voice was relentless. Yet the healthier part of me knew that in spite of the occasional onset of clinical depressions or mania I was good at what I did and my work really helped people.
My path has kept me on a winding journey, akin to a social scientist—wanting to discover, uncover, know and understand the reasons for my illness, to grasp its inherent teachings and put it in a context with the rest of my life experiences. This has been my most important life’s work—my mission, if you will. And it always leaves me asking the question, “How can I impart what I have learned in a way that will serve others?”
After returning from another hospital bout for clinical depression in 1999, I knew I was well enough to return to work but this time I decided not to go back right away. I needed to do something different. I didn’t know what that would be but I knew it had to be something that would give some meaning to what was happening to me and to countless others who live with this disease.
So, even though I was really scared, wondering what I could possibly do next and how I would support myself, I still chose not to return to work. Instead, I took time out to heal—to be still and ask inside for guidance. Within a short time, I got the message that I was to write my life story in the form of a play and perform it on stage. I couldn’t believe it. Surely this message wasn’t meant for me. The idea terrified me. I shared this with some close friends who thought it was a great idea but I was adamant that I wouldn’t do it. It was like a nightmare that wouldn’t go away so I cried out, “God, surely you don’t mean me! How can I expose myself this way! I am a professional. I am a counsellor. What will happen to my practice—how will it affect my clients, my students, my colleagues?” But the message wouldn’t go away and somewhere deep inside I knew I had to do it. This was what I had been asking for—the something that would give meaning to my life and hopefully bring light and hope to others who suffer with mental illness and their families. I hoped the play would break down some of the myths and stigmas attributed to this illness. I surrendered to the idea, and in time the process began.
Writing the play, Madness, Masks and Miracles, started moving me out of my depression. That writing process gave me some freedom to begin coming out of the closet of shame. You can read the full story in Chapter 3, A Time You Were Stronger than You Thought.
Let’s Write
Write about a time in your life that you knew you had to change the circumstances you were in because it was too painful or too destructive to stay where you were. The idea of making a change scared you but you did it anyway.
Describe the details. What did you do to turn the circumstances around? Do you remember the year and your age at the time? Where were you living? What stands out as the most painful or challenging part of that time for you? Were there people there to support you?
What happened once you made the decision to change your circumstances? Write all the details as you remember them. Honour yourself for the strength and courage it took to get you through it. What tools did you use? What were your strengths? Looking back at it from a distance, what did this time teach you about yourself?
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Book 1
Part B
GUIDELINES
In the beginning
There was a writing area, paper and pen
and
Intention, Courage and Commitment to “Know Thyself”’
Now that you know why you are writing your stories, this section gives you a road map on how to write them. For most writers a blank page can be daunting. When looking at an empty page, panic can set in. “Where do I start? What do I say? How much should I say? How do I say it?” To help you deal with those kinds of questions and put your mind at ease, you need to prepare yourself in ways that can help you relax and look at each story as an honouring of yourself and as an exciting adventure. You begin with the first story. That is the only one you need to think about for now. But before you even do that, there are things that will help you get comfortable. Later in this section I describe how to prepare a sacred writing space. This is a place where, as you enter it, you immediately feel motivated and inspired to write.
Also in this section is a meditation that you may choose to do to centre yourself before every writing session. There is also an invocation to use when you are writing about something painful from your past. Both the Centering Exercise and the Invocation are optional guidelines to bring you into stillness and into the present moment. It is a good idea to record them on a tape recorder. Or you can download them onto your computer or MP3 player by going to www.juneswadron.com and clicking on “downloads”.
Treat your pages as your dearest friend, one who is ready and willing to accept you as you are. Remember not to judge yourself or your writing when you put pen to paper (or keyboard). Judging yourself will slow you down or worse, make you quit.
There are many themes in this book to write about. They can be written in whatever order calls to you. However, for the first story, I suggest you begin with “Gratitude”. The reason for this is that your story of gratitude will be your touchstone—the story you can come back to when you’re writing the stories that are difficult to tell. When you return to gratitude, you are right back in present time and all that you have to be grateful for today. From this perspective, you see that the painful story you have just been writing about is in the past, and it can no longer hurt you. Gratitude keeps us grounded in today.
For each of the story selections, I offer memory-prompting exercises that will assist you in remembering the details. For instance, in writing about a significant move in your life, some questions I might ask you are: Why were you moving? How did you feel about it? What year was it? How old were you? Who were the supports in your life at the time? What were your goodbyes like?
In some cases you will be guided through a healing process to help you not only tell your story but also release any negative feelings that you still carry with you.
The Healing Power of Intention
Having a conscious intention toward something—whether it’s about moving through our day with mindfulness, remembering to be patient when we are caught in traffic or whether it is to be kinder to ourselves and others when we’re in the middle of a conflict—the very act of having intention will bring about right mental and emotional alignment in order to achieve it. We are choosing to move through our world with consciousness—knowing that what we focus on grows. Our intention gives the Universe a signal that we are serious about what we want.
When you begin to write your life stories, choose to have the intention to let go of anything that is stopping you from having a happy life, free of resentments, anger, shame and guilt. Have the intention to forgive the people in your life who have hurt you—forgive them and yourself. Hold the intention to see the gifts and lessons in every story and especially hold the intention to love and honour your life. Honour yourself for the amazing human being and spirit you are. Honour yourself for the courage it takes to write your life stories with the conscious intention to heal your life.
The Healing Power of Courage
It takes a great deal of courage to go back into old pain in order to release it and move forward. Yet it is necessary for our ultimate growth. You will find that the benefits outweigh the fear. Courage is often propelled by an honest commitment to heal our pain. Courage means that we feel the fear and do what it takes to move forward anyway. We take our pens and write into the hollow places that scare us and still continue to write until we are done. We uncover truths that have been buried deep inside us, perhaps for years, and the healing begins. We leap in an act of faith knowing in our hearts that the net will be there. And it is. The universe smiles at us and rewards us for our courage. Synchronicities—or “God-winks” as I like to call them—begin to happen. The telephone rings and someone with whom you have wanted to make amends for a very long time is on the other end of the line, and instead of shouting at you, they say they’ve called to ask for your forgiveness.
Yes, courage has many unseen promises and rewards, especially the confidence to keep on keeping on.
The Healing Power of Commitment
The following quote by Scottish explorer William Hutchison Murray is one of the best reminders I know to keep me putting pen to paper, to trust the process and to not give up. It is quoted from his 1951 published works, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition.
“... but when I said that nothing had been done I erred in one important matter. We had definitely committed ourselves and were halfway out of our ruts. We had put down our passage money— booked a sailing to Bombay. This may sound too simple, but is great in consequence. Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets:
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”
Commit to writing your life stories. Look back at the insights you gained from the self-awareness exercise you did. What did you say you want, need, fear and hope for regarding writing your life stories?
Say “YES” to the process and continue.
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GUIDELINES FOR WRITING YOUR LIFE STORIES
Creating a Sacred Space
There’s nothing like having an inviting, friendly, beautiful writing space to inspire you every day. It doesn’t have to be big, just welcoming. Make it personal. Make it yours. Light a candle.
Bring out your favourite incense. Bring in colourful flowers, precious stones, shells you collected on the beach, crystals, a favourite prayer or affirmation or anything else that will make your writing space special. You may want to put a photo on your writing desk or next to your computer of a special person or pet and imagine them smiling at you as you write. (Pets do too smile!)
Or conversely, you may want to keep it very simple and not have anything in your space. For some, having special items may be distracting.
Also, tell your family what you are doing and ask them to please respect your new writing area and that the books, photo albums and letters you placed there are not to be touched.
Respect and embrace your sacred space.
Organization
I have found the best way to stay organized is to keep everything in a three-ring binder or folder so your writing is all under one cover rather than using loose sheets that could get lost. Make sure you number your pages. Use separate tabs for each life story. Also keep separate folders or large envelopes that you label for each story to create order with any memorabilia you are collecting such as photographs or family documents you wish to include.
Computer or Handwritten
As to whether to write by hand or use the computer, do whatever you’re most comfortable with. The benefit of the computer is that later, after your story is written, it makes it much easier to go back and make changes. You can cut and paste and delete or add without any difficulty.
If you are using the computer, be aware of the temptation for distractions like surfing the net and checking emails. Focusing only on your writing as soon as you sit down is critical to your success. To help reduce distractions, you may choose to turn off your connection to the Internet during your designated writing time.
Whatever your method, unplug your phone, make sure you are not hungry and keep a bottle of water at your writing table.
You Do Not Have To Be a Great Writer
You don’t need to be an accomplished writer to write your life stories. You don’t need to have taken writing courses, have a certificate or degree in writing or any other such thing. You just need to be able to be honest and write from your heart.
Let go of perfectionism, spelling, punctuation, grammar and having to do it ‘right.’ Instead drop into your belly and try not to think about the writing at all. When you are thinking, you are judging, planning, figuring out what to say next. This writing process calls for stepping out of your own way and not editing as you write.
It is about being fully in your body, allowing memories to flow from your head to your heart to your hand and onto the page. That being said, some of the stories in this book have been edited for punctuation and grammar. That was done after the fact—not during the author’s creative process. Only some of these stories were written by accomplished writers.
Marion Woodman, in an interview in Common Boundary said: “After much thought, I realized the trouble I had writing that bleak
Friday afternoon was due to my approach. I was trying to analyze, trying to explain rationally. I was failing miserably because I was approaching the task through my head. I had to drop into my belly.”
Nathalie Goldberg in Writing Down the Bones states:
“In writing, when you are truly on, there’s no writer, no paper, no pen. No thoughts. Only writing does writing—everything else is gone.”
Your Writing Style
You are unique and there is no right or wrong way to write your stories. You will notice that the true life stories that are inserted throughout the book are written in different styles—poetry, prose, letters, metaphor. Free yourself to do the same. Perhaps some of your stories want to come out as fairy tales … Once upon a time there was a girl who…
Be true to your own method of writing. Even if you have never written poetry before, stay with it if that is how it emerges. Trust and enjoy the process!
Breathing
Writing is a full-bodied exercise—it is not just the brain and the fingers. It calls for full breath. When you get scared, your breathing becomes shallow and so does your writing.
The more grounded you are in your body, the deeper your writing becomes. When you are breathing from a shallow place, your writing tends to stay on the surface. Breathe from deep in your belly and write from that place. In his book, Writing from the Body, John Lee explains:
“To begin writing with the full power of our body’s knowledge, we must welcome our life, our breath and our emotions completely. Write whatever bursts forward from the breath. Let the pen follow where the breath leads. We have only to begin breathing fully to show life that we are serious about embracing her.”
Embodying Memories
At times throughout the book, when you are writing about people or events that are disturbing, I offer the suggestion that you do NOT embody these memories. In other words, do not bring the emotion of them into your body. Instead imagine the events on a movie screen where you are at a safe distance from them. Then be an objective observer without emotional attachment to what you see and remember.
Making Time to Write
It’s best if you can get into a routine. Find an uninterrupted space of time to write every day, preferably at the same time. If you can’t do it every day, perhaps it’s possible to write once, twice or three times a week. Whatever works for you, mark it on your calendar and commit to it. Then turn off your telephone. Share with family members what you are doing so they know to be respectful of your writing time. If you need to, reread “The Healing Power of Intention”, “Courage” and “Commitment” to help you get started. Also, carry a note book with you to write down ideas that come to you during the day so you can refer to them when you sit down at your desk to write.
Ways to Stay Grounded
Although writing about one’s life can be exhilarating when recapturing beautiful memories or coming to terms and moving through to the other side of painful ones, it can also catapult you into feeling like your entire emotional foundation is collapsing. It is vital to stay grounded and safe by taking special care to nurture yourself throughout this process. Make sure you eat well, drink plenty of water and get enough exercise, fresh air and adequate sleep. Refuel your sense of humour. Rent a funny movie. Reach out. Call a friend. Roller blade, dance, go for a walk in nature. Keep an attitude of gratitude. Breathe deeply! Read inspirational writings, prayers. Give whatever you are going through over to God/Goddess/Creator. If you are remembering and recording painful events from your past, remember it is part of your past. You survived it and are on the other side of it now. Bring yourself back to this day, this moment, for it is right here, right now that you are safe. Use conscious breath to do this. Breathe deeply and often.
Right Brain vs. Left Brain Process
This writing process calls for right brain activity which uses pictures, symbols and images and is nonverbal. It is the part of our nature that is intuitive, sensuous, artistic and spontaneous. It works with shapes and patterns. While writing, simply be open to receive. You are a conduit, not a planner. As stated earlier, you write without paying attention to spelling, grammar or punctuation. This is a function of the left brain. It is verbal, linear, logical, rational and cognitive. This is the part of the brain you will engage if you decide to go back and edit. It is not for now.
Clustering
Clustering is a fast and effective way to remember the details of your story before you start writing. It is a great way to bring back memories and access your right brain through word association.
Instead of writing lists which are linear, for example: then I went here and this happened, then that happened, etcetera; draw a circle in the middle of your notebook. Draw lines coming out of the centre circle to other circles. In those circles write the first words that pop into your head. If those words trigger another thought, draw a line to another circle and write the thought. It is an excellent tool to help access the memories of these events.
Memory Prompts
Every writing topic in this book also has memory prompts attached that will help you recall the details of your story. There are a number of ways you can use the memory prompts.
Before writing your story, record the memory prompts onto a tape recorder. Be sure that while recording you pause for a few seconds between each question to allow time for the memory to surface and become clear. When you are ready to write, simply close your eyes and listen to the prompts. Begin to recall the events with as much detail as possible. You may stop and write as soon as a story comes to mind and then go to the next prompts until another story comes to mind. Or, you may choose to listen to all the prompts before writing anything.