You don't learn that in school! The 4 life lessons you really need to know
by Jamila Diallo
Published by Jamila Diallo at Smashwords.
Copyright 2011 Jamila Diallo
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Introduction
One day, the school principal called me into her office.She sat me down and told me: '' you look depressed. You should try to be happier '' . I wished that along with the advice, she also gave me the manual, a how to guide, anything.I wished the teachers taught us to be happy, unfortunately they don't. I wished I learned the important stuff, the tools that would help me better my life.
Instead of that, I was deep in third degree equations and irregular verbs I didn't even use.I wanted to learn the things that mattered, that would make a real difference in my life.I wanted to know how my mind worked, how my emotions work.I wanted to explore that wonderful machine called human being. I wanted to know myself, to find what truly mattered to me so that my life could have meaning.
I wanted all that so much that I quit school.To me, it was impossible to both continue school and go on my quest. I had to choose. I wanted to give it my 100 %, not just my spare time.And I did. This book is the result of that commitment.I want to share with you what I have learned because it has accomplished wonders for me.I hope it will accomplish wonders for you too.
Chapter 1 : Managing your mind
The ancient Greeks believed that men were mere playthings to amuse the Gods. If the fancy took them, the Gods could wreak havoc in men's lives and delight in their struggle. The Arabs believe in fate, ''maktoub'' which litterally means '' what is written ''.In other words, the scenario of your life is already written. Your life happens to you, you have zero control over it. There is nothing you can do about it, you do not matter. You're an object.Well, you are not an object. You are the creator of your own life. You stand at the centre, you are the main character .That is what the Law of Attraction states. It says that you matter, because the thoughts you think everyday create the events in your life. So if you want to control your life, you need to control your mind. It is that simple. Thoughts lead to actions, so if you want to change what you do, you first need to change how you think.
Whatever result you are experiencing right now has its root in a thought.Your thoughts create your experience of life, they colour your perception of what happens to you.That is why it is crucial you gain control of them.Because right now, they are running wild , scot-free.You are not running your mind right now, your mind is running you. The tail is wagging the dog.But with practice, that can be changed.Each and every one of us can master his own mind.You need to become a good mind manager.That is the only way you can find true, lasting happiness.
1- Quiet the mind
Six years ago, my life was a living hell. What I didn't know was that I was making it hell.I kept going into my horror cabinet and replaying in my mind scenes were I was hurt .I couldn't stop hearing the mean things people had said to me. I didn't know how to cope with the anger and nasty images in my head. I used to be so angry I smashed things to the floor, hoping that it would relieve the anger but it didn't.And that made me angry, and sad. It was like a vicious circle, I never seemed to be able to stop the pattern. My mind was spinning out of control.I had to do something about it.From the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep at night, we never stop thinking.Our mind never shuts up! On average, we think a staggering 50 000 thoughts per day !Try this : try to stop thinking for a whole 5 minutes.I can guarantee you will only last a few seconds before the first thought pops into your mind.
And the worst part of it is that most of those thoughts are negative.Research shows we think a lot more negative thoughts than positive thoughts.'' Why did I do that? '', '' I will never make it, Nobody respects me'', etc…Negative thoughts have a direct impact on how we feel.They make you feel bad, limp, not good enough. That's because thoughts generate emotions.It is impossible to feel an emotion without first thinking the corresponding thought.So the equation is : thoughts create emotions.So, if you want to get rid of a negative feeling, all you need to do is to stop the corresponding thought from entering your mind. It's that simple.We want the thoughts that create havoc in your life to stay out.I want you to stand vigil at the door of your mind.I want you to get involved because this directly affects you. This is your life, this is no rehearsal. The time is now.
I know so many people who take up something to give up a few days later. Don't do that, bettering your life is done one step at a time, and this is the first step.Meditation is the best way to quiet the mind.It will help you stop that incessant chatter that goes on in your mind.Think about it, wouldn 't that be great ? Wouldn't it be grand to eliminate an obsessive thought, the one that keep coming back to torment you? So start taking action. Find the time to meditate every single day. I mean every single day. No, I am not joking.I know you are busy and have a ton of things to do but surely you can find 5 minutes to spare in a day , can't you ?Start to meditate. In the beginning, 5 to 10 minutes a day are enough to start the momentum.You do not need a master's degree to start meditating. I mean, it's simple. Plus, it doesn't require any specific equipment, so you don''t have to spend any money on this.
Sit on a chair or lie down on your bed , place a hand on your lower abdomen and breathe deeply.Most people do not breath, they either gasp or pant for air. They take shallow breaths from their upper chest.Place a hand on your belly, that's where the action is.Inhale deeply ,watch your hand rise , hold for a second then exhale.Take 10 of those deep breaths .Then shift your attention to your body.Relax your body from head to toe. Focus on your sensations. Feel your body in contact it the chair or mattress.Then, focus on the sounds you are hearing : someone in the other room, birds singing, car passing on the road, etc…Be present to what you are living right now.If any thought crosses your mind, don't judge it or try to fight it, just observe it.By doing this ten minutes a day, you will grow more aware of the functioning of your mind.Gradually, you will think less disempowering thoughts and you will be able to meditate for longer periods of time.
You'll feel more centered, and poise will become a second nature.Another thing you need to do to quiet your mind is managing the images in your head.Thoughts are images, when we think about something, we immediately picture it in your mind.When you fall pray to anxiety and fear, here is what to do: shrink the size of the image you are seeing. Watch it grow smaller and smaller. Imagine yourself staring down at him, till the image is no higher than your big toe. See your self as huge and that image as ridiculously small. How does that feel? It certainly takes care of any fear. You do not have to live in fear or worry. They are just the result of an undisciplined mind. When you feel afraid, it's simply you created an image of you failing, losing, etc…You are expecting the worst. If you transform this image to one where all goes well, you cannot feel fear. Make it habit to transform the images of fear that cross your mind. Stop, close your eyes and visualize things happening as you want them to. This takes discipline, but that discipline goes a long way.
If you do it, fear will gradually disappear from your life. Which is an incredible result. The second benefit is that you will develop a new pattern: that of expecting the best instead of the worst. Whenever a distressing thought crosses your mind, refuse to go back to your old ways. Take a deep breath and tell it to go away. Do so as long as it takes, until it doesn't come back anymore. Disciplining your mind is no easy task. You need to stand vigil all the time, 24 hours a day / 7 days a week. In the beginning, I felt overwhelmed: how was I to monitor the thousands of thoughts I had every day? The task seemed daunting, but somehow I knew that it was crucial. Every night, when I went to sleep, I felt like I had received a sound beating. I had never been so exhausted in my entire life. And the next day, it was back to the grind.
But, it totally paid off. Today, I am unable to worry. That pattern has been eliminated from my system. I just don't know how to do it anymore. It's amazing. So, it is not science fiction, it can be done. You can do it. You can get rid of your anxieties, fears and worries. Instead, you can choose faith, hope and peace. So, I suggest you do some mental cleaning up. During meditation, try this: visualize yourself sorting all the clutter in your mind. Put all the thoughts you do not want in a plastic bag. Put all your fears and worries, problems in there. When you're through, imagine taking the bag out to the curb where the trash collectors haul it into their truck. Watch your negative thoughts go away, tucked away in the truck. Wave goodbye, this is the last time you will be seeing them. Another technique I use is to write all my negative thoughts, tear up the paper and throw it in the trash, where they belong. This sends a powerful signal to these thoughts, they get that I do not want them. So, they stay away from me.
Do not be overwhelmed by the load of negative thoughts you have. You do not have to get rid of them one by one. There is an easier and faster route. Behind every thought, there is an underlying belief. By getting rid of one belief, you can eliminate dozens of corresponding thoughts.
2- Getting rid of negative beliefs
Thoughts are relatively easy to get rid of, they float in and out of our minds every minute of the day. Beliefs are different, they lie at a deeper level. While thoughts are transient, beliefs are more permanent. Plus, they take on an emotional value since they were instilled in us by our family and background. That's why they have so much power over us: since they have been around for so long, we hold them to be totally true. That is what a belief is: something you do not question .Well that is exactly what we are going to do now. It is crucial you choose your beliefs carefully and not rely on fate and pray that you were born into a family that passed on good beliefs to you. We do not choose our backgrounds, some of us are lucky and some not so lucky. But even if you were born into a family with poor beliefs, it is not too late for you. Beliefs are not made of stone, they can be changed. And if they cause you pain, make your life more difficult you should change them. You do not have to perpetuate the family history. You have a choice, right here, right now.
Just because your parents believed in something does not mean you should too. Do not the past dictate your future. Our parents are everything to us when we are growing up: they're gods, the Sun and Moon, Dad is bigger than Superman and Mom is the most beautiful woman ever. They guide our first steps and we look up to them. We think they know everything and can do no wrong. But as we grow up and become adults, we realize they are only human. They are not perfect. And they may have passed on to us beliefs that are flawed.
If we were taught from our parents at an early age that people were not to be trusted, that they will inevitably take advantage of you, and if we accept that belief and make it our own, we will experience situations where people will lie, cheat , steal on us.Then,we say '' See ! I knew they were going to do this!''.The truth is it happened because you were expecting it, not because people are bad. There are bad people in the world, there are also good people. To teach a child that ALL people are crooks is terrible, because for the rest of his life he will go out and find people that confirm what Mom or Dad taught him: thieves and liars, cheating spouses, backstabbing friends, corrupt officials, unreliable children .In some families, the belief that all rich are crooks and exploit the poor leads to them living in poverty for generations. Belief in poverty keeps them poor; no one dares to claim he wants to be rich, because being rich is considered bad. Having money would be going against their credo so they remain poor. Which is tragic.
As a child, you did not have the ability or the maturity to say: '' Wait a minute, is that belief true? Are my mom and dad right about this? ''You didn't question the accuracy of what you were taught, after all who were you to contradict the adults? Now that you are an adult, it is your responsibility to make sure you entertain beliefs that support you. The time has come for you to take a reality check to see what your beliefs are and if they steer you in the right direction. Ask yourself this: '' Do I want to pass these beliefs on to my own children? ''. That is the ultimate question. Because if you do not get rid of bad beliefs, you will teach them to your child. Think about how those beliefs have impacted your life, do you want him to go through what you went through? When I asked myself that question, my answer was a resounding '' No''. Even though I do not have children, just the idea of burdening them with beliefs I knew were bad made me sick. It increased my determination to get rid of them immediately.
Please, make a list of the negative beliefs you inherited from your environment :those about yourself, life, people in general, money, relationships, men, women, etc…Close your eyes, imagine yourself walking up to the person who instilled that belief in you .You are holding that belief in your hands, thank him/her and give the belief back. Tell him/her:'' I am returning this to you because I do not want it anymore. I still love you, but I choose otherwise ". Then turn and walk away. Do that with each of the beliefs on your list. Then, write '' I choose otherwise. The legacy stops with me. Amen.'' at the bottom of the page. Tear the paper and throw it in the trashcan. Do not hold any grudges against your parents, they love you and they genuinely thought they were protecting and helping you by instilling those beliefs in you. They brought you up the best they could. They never meant to hurt you, but you may have suffered from those beliefs and the way they played out in your life.
Do not hold any grudges against yourself either, you didn't know, you couldn't know at the time. You are doing the right thing now and that is all that matters. Recognizing some of their beliefs are flawed doesn't mean you do not love your parents anymore. It doesn't mean they were bad parents. It doesn't make you a bad son or a bad daughter. Your parents are hardly to blame, and you shouldn't garner any ill will towards them. They probably inherited those beliefs from their own parents who got them from their parents, etc...They also were victims in this. In the beginning, I was angry at my parents when I realized the effects their beliefs were having in my life. That summer, I didn't come home for the holidays. I couldn't face them. But, I am glad to announce the anger has subsided. So, if you get angry, know it's OK. It's a normal reaction, it will pass. You need to find it in you to forgive them. This is not about finding fault; it is about you laying the foundation for your future. It is about breaking free of a vicious circle.
3- Instill empowering beliefs
Beliefs are the foundation on which we build our lives .Your beliefs determine what you will live. Which is why it is so important to choose good beliefs, beliefs that empower you. Instilling new beliefs is done the same way your old beliefs were ingrained in you: by drilling. You need to repeat the new belief over and over again, until it is part of you. Take a notebook, it will be your affirmation notebook. Write '' I , (your name), am …."Then " You,(your name), …, are…". Finish by '' (your name), … is …''.Make your sentences as short and compelling as possible. And always use the present tense. You see, our brain does not differentiate between a real event and an imagined one. So, as you write those affirmations and picture them in your mind, your brain thinks the image is real. And it responds accordingly. It actually believes you are what you are writing, thus making it easier for you to become that person. You can also say your new beliefs aloud during meditation. When you meditate, your conscious mind temporarily shuts down. You then have direct access to your subconscious mind. Your conscious is an eternal cynic, he will try to blow holes into your new belief. But the subconscious is more docile, it readily accepts whatever you tell him. During meditation, we are more relaxed and receptive than usual so your new beliefs will sink faster into your subconscious.
Another technique you can use is to say them in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eye and make a commitment that from now on this is how you are going to live .These beliefs are your new guidelines .Last but not least, place a list of your new beliefs in a prominent area, where you will see them every day. Near your bed, in the corner of a mirror, on the fridge, anywhere. You need to see them, hear them, write them over and over again until they sink in. You have got to constantly bombard your mind with them. Say them in your head anytime you have a spare minute: on the bus, in your car, in the shower, etc…As to which beliefs to implant, that choice is up to you. You can use your old negative belief to create a new one, by believing the exact opposite. If you believed in scarcity, you can choose to believe in abundance. If you believed nobody liked you, you can choose to believe you are popular. A great way to find out which beliefs to instil is to make a list of your 5 most pressing problems. The reason you are experiencing difficulties in those areas is because a limiting belief is at play. To counter it, you need to create a new, empowering one. Look at the challenges you are facing right now, they will tell you which beliefs you need. Pick the beliefs that will enable you to solve your problem.
I particularly recommend you instil a belief that goes like this: "I create my own life." It is also known as the Law of Attraction. It says that we attract in our lives the exact content of our thoughts. It is an empowering belief because it keeps you on your toes. You start paying attention to what thoughts populate your mind. It means you are not a victim, you are not helpless. If someone else created your world, you wouldn't have any power. But if you create your own world, even when things go wrong, you can fix them. You can do something about it. When you adopt this belief, two things happen :you stop complaining and you start acting. And that is the very definition of an empowering belief: it forces you to take action, while disempowering beliefs lead you to inaction.'' I create my life'' is more empowering than '' my life just happens to me ''.In the first instance, you acknowledge that you have power and control over your circumstances. In the second, you are merely a bystander; you watch but do not participate in the action. It's like you are an extra in your own life rather than being the main character. The Law of Attraction puts you at the centre of your life. If you believe in it, you will no longer remain on the sidelines.
You will take charge and fully participate in the game. I personally feel that having this belief has changed my life. I no longer look to other people for the solution to my issues. I am the solution. If I somehow created this, then I can fix it. If it comes from me, it will end with me. I feel responsible for my life in a way that I never had before. And that feels great. If there's one thing that infuriates me, it is being helpless. I get angry when people tell me: '' there's nothing you can do about it.'''When I see something wrong, I want to right it, I want to do something about it. With the Law of Attraction, I can. I can change my thoughts and watch the problem disappear. Before that, all I could do was complain and blame other people. The solution seemed out of my hands. That is no longer the case.
4- Interpreting the events in your life
The events in our lives have no meaning. How does that sound to you? I know it may sound weird, but it is true. Events by themselves do not mean anything at all. They are neither good or bad, happy or sad. They are what we make them to be. In other words, they have the meaning we choose to attach to them. You see, when I dropped out of school, my parents thought it was terrible. They took me to the hospital because they thought I was crazy. While I thought I was this adventurer of the mind, that I was learning strategies I could use immediately to better my life. To me, this was better than sitting in some classroom, listening to some lecture. Same event, two different interpretations.
Most of the time, we are not even aware that we label our experiences. We have been attaching a specific meaning to an event for so long, we do it automatically. Well, here the fun part: meaning can be attached, but it can also be detached. You can change the meaning of any event in your life. It doesn't matter what happened to you, you can take something that used to cause you pain and give it a positive meaning. I know it can be done because I have been there. The possibilities are endless, there is no limit as to the number of different interpretations you can come up with for one single event. The trick is to attach to any experience the meaning that strengthens you. You cannot change what happened to you but you can choose how to interpret it. There lies your freedom. Always choose the angle, the interpretation from which you look your absolute best, where you are the heroine, the star. Make yourself look good. The movies do it, why couldn't we make ourselves look good in our own eyes?
Like a good movie director selects the right angle that makes his star look good, you need to find the angle that empowers you. You need to do that for you. If you do that on a consistent basis, you will experience amazing results. Ask yourself on a daily basis: '' What meaning do I want to give to this event? ''.This powerful question will prevent you from falling back into your past patterns. It forces to realize that you do have a choice, right here , right now. You do not have to label it like you did in the past. You can change, you can choose a new meaning for something that you may have been experiencing for years. The point here is to realize you are never stuck. In our lives, Good and Bad happen, it is up to you to decide what you want to focus on. Choose to focus on the Bad and you will see more and more of it .The trick is to look for the Good in everything and everyone. For it always exists, even the direst situation has a tiny drop of good in it .Do you see that drop ? Did you look for it? No event is inherently good or bad, events have no meaning other than that we give them.
When I ended up in that hospital, I had two choices. Either I interpreted things in a way that supported me or I didn't. So, sitting in my room, I asked myself : '' Now, Jamila, what's it going to be ? How do you interpret being locked up in a psychiatric hospital?''. I could choose between:' they are right, I am mad;. this is bullshit, I am as normal as anybody;I am going to stay here forever and go crazy;this is terrible, my own family betrayed me.''I chose to see it as a test, a life size test. I reasoned that in school, you learn a new lesson, do exercises then take a test to judge whether or not you ''got'' it. I told myself life functioned the same way. I had learned a new lesson, practiced and now was the time to see if I got it. It was just a test, nothing more. It didn't mean I was mad, it didn't mean anything scary or terrible. It didn't mean I was going to be locked up in there for years or for the rest of my life.
It's just a test, a test of strength and willpower. I told myself that I had passed thousands of tests before. There was no reason why I couldn't pass this one too. Nowadays, Hollywood is abuzz with superhero movies. Well, we all have superpowers. And interpreting what happens to us is one of them. You can take something that caused you pain and make it inoffensive. You can take something that scared the hell out of you and laugh at it. It is possible. But for that to happen, you need to stop the automatic labelling machine. You know what I am talking about, something happens and bam! You automatically attribute to it the same old meaning you have been giving it for the past x years. You need to make a conscious decision .Look at the event from all sides, twist it, turn it, and put it upside down. Do everything it takes to see it in a different light. Brainstorm as many meanings as you can. Then pick the one that serves you best.
This game is about strategy, it is not about reality. There is no reality, no one sees the world the way you see it. Your reality is not your neighbour's reality. It's called subjectivity. Our perception is basically flawed. We do not hear, feel or sense every thing that's happening, it would be mind boggling if we did. Our brain would litterally drown trying to process all those thousands of details. So it narrows them down. Your brain focuses on a small number of stimuli and discards the rest. You only perceive a fraction of reality, never the whole picture. So why not choose to see reality in a light that makes you look and feel good? There is nothing stopping you.
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Chapter 2 : Appreciating what is
The difference between happy and unhappy people is not what they have. Rather, it lies in whether or not you fully appreciate what you have. Happy people have the uncanny ability to appreciate what they have, however small it may be. Unhappy people, on the other hand, no matter how much stuff and privilege they have, cannot do so. It is one thing to have something, to appreciate it is another. Most of the time, we take what we have for granted, we assume it's always going to be there. But it is not. The key to contentment is to recognize that everything and everyone in our lives is special. And if they are special, they deserve our gratitude. When we receive a gift, we say '' thank you ''.Well, each day life is handing you gifts. You may not recognize them as such, but they are.
Appreciating what is is about being in the present, not in the past or the future. I am not talking about what was or what could be. It is about paying attention to what you have, who you are right now. When you are not in the ''here and now '', your life is passing you by. And that is a shame. Because the moments you missed cannot be relived. You can't press '' rewind ''.
1- Be grateful
This Earth we live in is a miracle, the miracle of Life. All other planets in our galaxy are hostile and barren. Life could never develop there. There is no life on Mercury, too hot. There is no life either on Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune or Pluto. Life couldn't develop on these planets, they are either too scorching hot or freezing cold. But there is life on Earth. Somehow, we were lucky enough to garner the right conditions for it to happen. Which makes us the only living, breathing entities in our galaxy. Perhaps, in the entire Universe. We, humans, plants and animals have water to drink, food to eat, air to breathe. That itself is a MIRACLE! Aren't you awestruck, don't you feel incredibly lucky to be alive? Because you are. Don't you want to rush to the highest skyscraper and yell at the top of your lungs: '' I am ALIVE, Thank God, what a miracle! ''. We should not take anything, however trivial, for granted. Not even the air we breathe or the sun that warms us. Our sun is slowly dying, and future generations may not enjoy it, but we can.
The ancient Egyptians had a wonderful legend about the sun. They believed that each night, the sun fought a battle against the forces of evil and darkness. If he won, he would rise again the next morning. You see, in their wisdom, they did not take for granted that the sun would rise the next day. That legend celebrated what they considered an extraordinary event : sunrise. What does this new dawn mean to you ? When the sun rises, what do you say to yourself? Do you go like: '' It's just another sunrise, no big deal. Seen hundreds of them before '' or '' oh no, another day has begun, what a drag''.Are you eager to get up or do you want to stay in bed rather than face this new day? Are you grateful for this new day?. Every morning, I thank God for the fabulous day He has granted me. I am grateful for every single day in my life, for I do not take them for granted. Each is a blessing and a miracle, and I treasure them. Because I know there might not be another day .I am not going to live forever, and I want to enjoy what I have.
Maybe you don't look forward to some events in your day, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be grateful for this new day. If you appreciate something or someone, he will give you more reasons to appreciate him. So if your life seems dull and you have become blasé, it is time to inject some gratitude. Most of the time, we take our surroundings, comforts and family for granted. Nothing special about them, we see them every day. It is only when we loose them that we realize how much they meant to us. Last summer, I travelled to Guinea, in West Africa. They do not have electricity there. After sunset, you live in the dark. Which means no TV, no reading, no Internet, no nothing. I used to think everybody, everywhere had electricity. But that is not the case. I had never thought that I would return home and be grateful for my light switches, but I did. Turning on a switch used to be the most normal thing in the world. Did it everyday. After living in the dark for a month, it seemed magical. Special, incredible.
When you express gratitude, it's like you are looking at something for the very first time. You go back to the time when you first experienced it, and that is priceless. If you want to appreciate life, you needs to stop being bored . Boredom is a bad habit that no one should ever take up in the first place. Because it's contagious. It will spread inevitably, is that what you want? A life of ennui and dissatisfaction ?Do you want to live a life where everywhere you turn, you only see things that leave you indifferent ?People who are bored often live in the midst of fascinating events, but they fail to notice or don 't want to notice. When people tell me : '' You must be bored ", I always stop them straight. I am never bored, I see too many wondrous things and people around me. To me everything is fascinating and boredom simply does not compute. If I were bored, I would be insulting my surroundings, really. And I don't want to do that.
When you say you are bored, you are being ungrateful. You are saying: '' This is not good enough for me.''Boredom is mental laziness, for if you show a bit of curiosity, you will see how fascinating the world is. Take my advice: quit being blasé and bored, it's not sophisticated or trendy. Just stupid. It's a bad habit. Try looking at things as if you were a 5 year old child. Children are not blasé, to them everything is new and magic. We, adults, need to get that magic back. We need to see the beauty and magic of the simple things in life, those things that we tend to overlook. That is the only way we can appreciate life more. You do not need extra stuff to be happy , you just need to fully appreciate what you already have. When someone gives you a present, and you complain and criticize it ,you do you think he is likely to give you another ? I don t think so, you hurt his feelings and next time there will be no gift for you …at all. Well, Life is pretty much the same: if you criticize the gifts she hands you, You will stop receiving any.
You will never have more if you are not content with what you currently have. Sound strange? Well, consider this: if you form the habit of sneering at what you have, even when you do get what you were pursuing, you will not appreciate it either. Your first and natural reaction will be to look for something to complain about. The habit of complaining is a devastating one: it kills joy and pleasure and makes us into sour, bitter people. It is essential for your happiness that you get rid of it .Be grateful for what you have that is beautiful, nurturing and that brings you joy. And soon, you will have more to add to the list. Look at the miracles in your life, for they are always there even when we overlook them. Think of the time you needed help and someone gave it to you. Do you feel grateful towards that person or do you take her for granted? Are you grateful for your family and friends or are they just part of the furniture?
2- Be here and now
Often in our lives, we are on automatic pilot. We do what needs to be done, like robots. We are not really paying attention to our surroundings or people in our lives. '' What for? , they have been around for so long, of course, I know them .'', we think. Maybe not so, people and situations change and if you are taking them for granted and not paying attention , you are in for a big surprise. Take a look at your home, take a look at your family. Take a look at yourself. You are not the same person you were yesterday. Subtle changes have taken place. One of the reasons why I like astrology is because it understands that we evolve and transform. Every day, the planets move through the zodiac and today's sky and yesterday's sky are not the same. Start looking, really looking at your usual surroundings. Observe them as if you were seeing them for the first time. Notice anything you hadn't seen before. Imagine you're an alien from outer space, how would your world look like to him?
You will be amazed at how much had escaped your notice. Don't see things as they used to be, but as they are now, today. Be in the present. Our minds are treacherous and most of the time we live in the past or in the future, thereby robbing us of the present. Appreciating what is is about being fully in the present. That is the only way we can fully participate. The past is gone, the future doesn't exist, both are illusions that prevent us from seeing the present. Do not miss out on your present because you spend all your time either reminiscing or daydreaming. Bring your attention back to the here and now, this is where you want to be. Whenever my mind starts to drift, I simply say "Here and now", which brings my focus back to the present. You need to realize that your ability to fully enjoy life depends on whether or not you are able to be in the present.
If your mind has a mind of its own, you're in trouble. If you constantly hear a nagging little voice in your head, how can you focus? How can you be in the present if that voice is rattling on and on? That's when meditation comes handy. It really is the best tool to quiet the mind and be more in the present. If you never tried it, I suggest you do. It will accomplish wonders for you, it has for me. Before I started meditating, I was either always reminiscing or imagining, but never in the present. My mind was running totally wild. This is when I realized it shouldn't be so, I needed to get back in control. Meditation totally did it for me, my mind is disciplined and I have gained a newfound appreciation for the most trivial things. It's amazing. Another thing you need to do to be in the present is to forgive. When you are constantly replaying arguments in your head, you are not '' here and now''.When you are angry and want revenge, you are deep in the past. You are creating unnecessary pain for yourself .The pain they have caused you is in the past, yet you are reviving it in your mind. By reopening your wound over and over again, you are making it impossible for it to heal.
I used to do that, and I worked myself up into a fine frenzy. I got angry and tried to get even, to hurt them as much as they had hurt me. I spent time discussing them and what they did, over and over again. I rerun our arguments in my mind, trying to win them. And you know what? It was no good. The only person I was hurting was myself. The first time I considered forgiving them, my teeth clenched. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want them to get away with it, because what they did was wrong. How could I forgive them? I have learned that forgiving does not mean they were right, it doesn't mean what they did was O.K. means that you choose to be free. You forgive because you value yourself over them, because you value your peace of mind over anger and revenge. You forgive because you do not want to carry that load with you. Anger and revenge weight tons, believe me. You forgive because you want to forget the past to live the present. The present is more important. It is where your power lies, you cannot help what happened in the past, but you can decide what you are going to do about it now. You can choose how it is going to affect you.
Another obstacle you need to overcome is the worry habit. Some people actually believe worry is beneficial, but I say it is harmful. When you are worrying, you are not in the present. You are foreseeing catastrophic events in the future. Nothing has happened yet, but you are feeling the heat. Worrying is a bad habit that you need to curb. Stop trying to imagine what the future looks like, the future is now. It is now, in the present that the future is being created. It is what you do today that matters, that determines what the future will be.
3 - Let go of expectations
Some people live in an imaginary world called '' Should land''. I call it that because they are constantly thinking and talking about how things could have been or should have been. They are totally out of reality. Sometimes, they blame other people for doing them wrong and can't get other it. Sometimes, they blame themselves and wish they had done better. By playing all those imaginary scenarios in their heads, they are disconnecting from reality and living in anger, frustration and resentment. The fact is they are creating their own pain, through their unwillingness to accept what happened and linger over their wound. They will find closure once they are able to let go of their expectations. Stop wasting time and energy over the past, there is nothing you can do about it now. Focus on the present and what you have, not what you should have had. Be pragmatic, can you work with what you do not have? Of course not, so get over it. What you have right now might not be what you expected or wanted, but it is all you've got. Appreciate it nethertheless, that is the only way you will get more and perhaps what you really wanted.
You need to realize your life is perfect the way it is.If you are not satisfied, it is because you are holding on to unrealistic expectations. It is OK to have dreams and expectations, what is not OK is when you let those expectations make you unhappy. You look at your life and wonder: "Why isn't my life the way I want it to be?" Why am I not doing what I had planned to do, why am I not to the point where I wanted to be? ''.By asking those questions, you are making it seem like something is wrong. Expectations are just expectations, they are not real. Do not compare them to your life and conclude that something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong, maybe you expected too much and too fast. And reality cannot keep up with what you imagined. The other day, I was watching the Oprah Winfrey show. A woman came on, she used to be a big time executive, making a lot of money. Due to the crisis, she lost her job and ended up being a stay-at-home mom. She talked about how she missed her job and wanted to be more than just a housewife. In her plans, she never expected to be laid off and ending up changing diapers.
Her housekeeper used to do that but now she has become the housekeeper. And she couldn't stand that image; she thought she was entitled to more than that. As the expert pointed out to her, the situation was not the problem. The problem was that she was hanging on to her old working woman image and refusing to come to terms with the fact that this was not who she was anymore. Instead of mourning her job, she should enjoy the time she now has with her kid. Her expectation of having a career was dashed, but life hardly ever happens the way we expect it to. And that is OK. We are no psychics. We cannot tell how events will unfold. Stop wishing you were someplace else than where you are right now. Stop wishing you were doing something else than what you are doing right now .Enjoy what you have right now, even if it is not what you expected.
If your expectations are making you unhappy, if they clash with reality, you need to realize that reality wins. You need to let go of them. It doesn't mean you shouldn't have goals and aspirations. It simply means you have to be pragmatic. After I quit school, my parents didn't appreciate me They expected me to graduate and have a safe, secure job. But I didn't do all that. They kept asking me: '' why, why did you quit?''. They kept focusing on what I wasn't doing (going to school) , rather than what I was doing ( bettering my life).My mom told me I was making my dad unhappy. I told her he was making himself unhappy. The reason he was unhappy was because he held on to his expectation of me, it was not because of me. The minute he let go of that expectation, his blinders will be removed. And he could see me, as I am. Not as he wanted me to be, no the real me. What happens when you refuse to change your expectations is that you become selectively blind. For years, my parents were blind to me. All they saw in me was that I was not going to school. They couldn't see what I was doing or the better person I had become. Expectations are not supposed to be inflexible. People are more important than expectations. You are more important than your expectations for yourself. I am more important than my parents' expectations for me.
Learn to appreciate what you have and the people in your life even if they do not meet your expectations. You took a wild guess, and things didn't turn out as planned, big deal. Happens all the time. It doesn't mean that what you got instead is worthless.Remove your blinders. Let go of your deceased expectations so you can enjoy what you have.
4 - Stop struggling
Life is WONDERFUL ! How do you react to that : do you exclaim '' No, it is not, Life is not wonderful for me, I lost my job , bills keep piling up, I' m in a mess '' ordo you go '' Life is terrible, look at all the people dying from wars and diseases.''Many people believe they have to wrestle what they want from Life: happiness, love, success, recognition, money, peace, health,…They believe that if you want something, you have to fight for it. Fight for a job, fight for your marriage, fight for your rights, fight for everything…Before they know it , their entire lives have turned into battlefields. They grow tense and nervous, their days are jerky and hectic. So many opponents for a single person. They are rapidly heading for a breakdown.
I know many such people, they make me sad. They are trapped in their own vicious circle. They don't realize the enormous toll their behaviour is taking on them, on their health, on their relationships.They constantly complain from aching muscles, and tension in their bodies.They are always at the doctor's, yet fail to realize they re the ones who are creating this tension in their lives.They are unwilling to relax because then they will lower their guard, and the consequences would be terrible.They live as though someone is out to get them.They think they need to fight, to race, to compete.The truth is they do not need to do any of that.Stop fighting, Life is generous and will give you whatever you wish for , without you needing to ask.Life is not your enemy, so don't treat it as such.
Life is eager to please you, it delights in your joy.YOU DO NOT NEED TO STRUGGLE.The people out there who sincerely believe life is a struggle are mistaken. Life is not against you, it is in your favour.The two of you are not pitted against each other in a boxing match.I have a sister who believes just that, and guess what, since she believes in it, she is living it.Her life is a constant struggle and she prides herself in being a fighter. She fights alright, against her estranged husband, against her in-laws, against everything.This is the life she has chosen.But it needn't be so. Constant struggling is no way to live. Because it robs you of life itself, your life.You cannot appreciate life if you are always looking over your shoulder to see if someone is lurking. So hang up your boxing gloves, this is not a match.Learn to relax and enjoy the moment. So many people complain about stress nowadays.They struggle to get the maximum done in the shortest amount of time.Time is their enemy. Wrong again, time is stronger than you and if you think you can go against it, you will lose.You cannot stop time, so why not make it your ally ?
I used to think time was bad. Each year, when my birthday approached, I would wish I could stop time and be 5 years old forever. But unfortunately, it is not possible. To me , my birthday was not synonymous with celebration, it was a gloomy day.I didn't want to grow older, older meant wrinkles and disability and illness. I thought time was out to get me.And then I realized it didn't have to be that way.Being older could actually be positive. It meant more wisdom and experience, more freedom and responsibilities.As you grow older, you gain independence and get to make your own decisions. When you're 5, your parents make all the decisions. So maybe growing old isn't that bad after all.So view the time that passes as good for you.Schedule time to do absolutely nothing.Savour it. Stop the mad rush. Stop believing and saying " I have to do this and that".You do not have to do anything. Instead, say '' I choose to do this or that ". Which is a whole lot better.You are the one who chooses how you spend your time, never forget it.
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Chapter 3 : Building your self esteem
You are the most important person in your life.Loving yourself is the single most important thing you could ever do .It is your biggest accomplishment.It is more important than getting that high paying job orthat car you dream about.Whether you love yourself or not will determine the quality of your life and the level of your happiness.People who despise and hate themselves lead patheticlives. It doesn't matter if they have great wealth, and appear to be successful. They may seem to have it all,but if they do not feel good about themselves, no amount of money will do the trick.They may live in palaces but deep down inside they feel like paupers.
The biggest misconception people have is that they believe they cannot love themselves right now.They think they first have to fix their flaws before they can appreciate themselves.If you persist in that path, two things are going to happen: first of all, the flaw will remain and second you will never love yourself.You are lovable just the way you are, right here, right now, not in the future. The time is now.Stop procrastinating on your biggest task. Cut the excuses and start building your self esteem.
1- Be your own love coach
You already are your own coach, whether you realize it or not.Just like a coach motivates and trains his players, you motivate and train yourself.What are your results right now ? Are you winning or losing ? Does your ''team'' have high morale or not ?It all depends on your inner dialogue, the things you say to yourself and how you perceive yourself.You have the power to either motivate or demotivate yourself.Be a good companion to yourself, you deserve better than living 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with an inner critic whose every remark debilitates you.Only love can empower you and help you become a bigger, better person.The key here is to stop demotivating and start motivating. If your inner dialogue turns you limp, it is time to switch to words that will spur you on.
Do not wait or hope for anybody else to do this for you.It is your responsability.You may not like yourself much,but you are stuck with yourself.You can't trade bodies or lives with someone else.The body , qualities and flaws you have will stay with you until the day you die.So you'd better have an inner ally that supports and encourages you rather than an enemy that's always criticizing you.How would you like being stuck with your worst enemy for an entire day ? Pretty bad, huh ?Well that is exactly what most of us do every single day.Now imagine spending the day with your biggest fan ?Someone who thinks you're great and only has good things to say about you.Wouldn't that be a lot better?Wouldn't you be eager to hear what he has to say ?Wouldn't you feel good ?I see myself as my own coach and cheerleader.I have learned to say the right words at the right time,to lift myself up when I am down.I never, ever criticize myself. It s a major no-no.I leave that task to other people.I am not here to put myself down, I am here to see what is good in me and nurture it so it will grow.
When I quit school, I was not popular with people.Everywhere I turned, I only saw disapproval.Nobody approved of me, they were all criticizing me.I realized then it was crucial that I support and love myself because I wasn't getting it from anybody else.If I hadn't learned to love myself, I don't know if I could have survived the ordeal.I cannot stand criticism, and I stay away from those who are fond of it.Even when I make a mistake, I try to look on the bright side and find something positive I can be proud of.I call it my ''mental gymnastic'' because you really got to twist your brain in order to find something good about a situation that seems bad.You really got to look hard, sometimes in places you never looked before. But it is there, good and bad always coexist. You just need to find it.You need to look for the good in you and develop such a bias for it that you no longer see the bad.Focusing on what is bad about you and what you lack will only make you feel bad.While focusing on the good in you will make you feel better and better.
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