A Lazy Man's Guide to Success
by
Bill O'Hanlon
Smashwords Edition
Published by Bill O'Hanlon at Smashwords
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A Lazy Man's Guide to Success
Copyright 2010 by O'Hanlon and O'Hanlon, Inc.
All rights reserved.
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Contents
A Little Book About Success
You Gotta Have a Dream
Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot
How to Get a Dream Worth Pursuing: Blissed or Pissed
How to Make Your Dream Come True: Let the World Teach You What Works
A Purpose Recognized By Yourself as a Mighty One: Contribution and Service
How Not to Succeed
The Lazy Person's Guide to a Lazy Man's Guide to Success
The Scale: Separating Time From Money
Introduction
A Little Book About Success
"I couldn't wait for success . . . so I went ahead without it."
-Jonathon Winters
This is a little book about success. What I mean by success is accomplishing something you really want to accomplish in the world and getting others to support it and agree that it is of value. That, of course, is not the only definition of success, but it's my book and that's my definition. I wrote this book for people who are not yet clear about what it is they are supposed to do while they're on the planet and for those who do know, but haven't pursued their missions or dreams. This book will tell you everything you need to know to succeed. Not how to be happy. Not how to be a good person. Not how to be loved. Not even how to be wealthy. Those can be good things and they may be byproducts of success. But not necessarily. Sometimes success can even get in the way of being happy or a good person.
This book is about successfully realizing your passions, destiny or dreams if you know what they are. It's also about finding out what you are meant to do in this life if you don't know yet what that is.
Why did I call it A Lazy Man's Guide to Success? [Please note that it is not the sexist title that some of you thought at first glance – this is my story – I'm the lazy guy of the title.] Because I succeeded when I, and most folks around me, wouldn't have bet on me to succeed earlier in my life.
One day, my wife said to me in amazement, "You know, you are the laziest successful person I have ever known." I laughed and had to agree. I am the laziest successful person I know, too. I have written 30 books (Stop me before I write again!) that have been translated into fifteen other languages. I've been on Oprah (for some people, this is my main claim to fame). I teach workshops all over the world for thousands of dollars per day. I have created several methods and theories of psychotherapy that are practiced in various parts of the world. But you can't get me to do anything I am not interested in.
I'm terribly distractible. I rarely work except when I am required to in order to keep a commitment. I typically put off writing my books as long as I can. In college, I discovered I couldn't sign up for any classes that began before 11:30 a.m. because I would oversleep too often to pass the course. My office is a mess. Until recently, I always filed my taxes late, because I couldn't get it together to find all my receipts and take the time to fill out the forms – or even get them to an accountant. I prefer to sit around playing the guitar, reading, watching movies and hanging out at home.
I was certainly lazy and remain so. I didn't think I was strong enough, ambitious enough, or organized enough to make it. But I succeeded – beyond my wildest expectations. [Another inspiration for the title was a book I read years ago called A Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment.]
A few years ago, I had a sort of reverse midlife crisis, wondering how I had been lucky enough to live my dreams. I kept asking myself: Why have I succeeded, while others who are more talented, smarter and more self-disciplined have not? When I asked my wife this same question, she amended her previous observation. "Well," she said, "you are lazy and you aren't. When you get engaged, you work faster, better and with more focus than anyone I've known." And that's what this book is in part about. How do you succeed when you are lazy and undisciplined – or otherwise gifted at sabotaging yourself?
Were you one of those kids whose parents were always hearing that you weren't "working up to your potential"? If so, this book is definitely for you. It will also work for you annoying people who are self-disciplined and not lazy by any stretch of the imagination, but who haven't reached your goals because you don't know where to apply your self-discipline. Or for those of you who are so perfectionistic, you tend to get in your own way. Or those of you who are totally clueless about what you are meant to do with your lives.
So, here it is, the most succinct version I can give you of what I have learned about how to succeed. It's as short as I can make it and still make what I have to say compelling and clear.
Okay. Let me give you an overview of where we're going. First, we'll explore the importance of having a compelling dream or vision or direction to move in.
Next I'll tell you why you need a soul to succeed and what a soul is for (and this will have nothing to do with religion, so relax if you're religion-phobic). Even if you already know you have a soul, this chapter is worth reading (relax again, it's only a few pages), 'cause if you miss this, you're screwed. The rest of the book won't work.
If by the end of the chapters on dreams and soul, you don't already have a dream that matters enough to get off the couch and go after, then I'll give you some ideas about how to get a dream like that.
Next I'll tell you how to get the world to be your guru and teach you how to make your dream come true.
Last (well almost), I'll tell you why I think it is important to have a dream that is not just for your own personal gratification (like getting rich or getting laid or getting famous). Nothing wrong with wanting those things or getting them, but if that is your main motivation for success, again, you may be screwed.
Then I'll give you a one-page summary of the whole book. Those of you who are really lazy can just flip back there and get the gist of things and maybe it will work, but I doubt it. You'll probably actually have to read the book to really get it. Sometimes the devil, as well as God, really is in the details.
Last (really last this time), I've thrown in a pet theory of mine about how to arrange your work and money life so you can be lazy the rest of your natural born days, because you can arrange things so you don't do work you don't want to do, and have money come to you without putting in ongoing time or effort.
Ready? Place your tray tables to the upright and locked position. Keep your hands and arms inside the car. Here we go!
Chapter 1
You Gotta Have a Dream
In the musical South Pacific, there is a line in one of the songs: You gotta have a dream, Cause if you don't have a dream, how're you gonna have a dream come true? So if you haven't got a sense of where it is you are supposed to go in your life or you haven't got a dream, go get one. If you haven't got one yet, make one up that seems to have heart and interest for you. Pick as good a dream as you can get; one that energizes you.
It is not even crucial that you fulfill this dream, but you have to get your car out of the garage somehow and moving on down the road. It doesn't really even have to be a specific dream or goal. Maybe it's just a direction. Once you get out there, you may spy some nicer scenery, or figure out where you're really supposed to go, or change direction entirely.
When I was young and in college, I became very depressed. I thought myself a poet and was so sensitive that I found it painful to be around people. At the same time, I was very lonely, and wanted to be around people. But when I was around people, I was so shy I couldn't say the things I wanted to say. Or when I would talk, I was so nervous I wound up saying something I didn't mean to say.
I began to despair about my future. Someday college would be over and I'd have to get a job. My poetry wouldn't support me, especially since I was too frightened of rejection to show it to anyone (not exactly an effective strategy for getting published). And I couldn't see myself behind a desk or a counter, or balancing on the rung of some corporate ladder.
After months of being depressed, I finally came to an important decision: I would kill myself. I had three close friends and they were generally as miserable and strange as I was, so I decided the only polite thing to do was to apprise them of my plans and say goodbye. The first two friends I told were sympathetic and told me they felt the same way but didn't have the guts to take their own lives. They admired my courage, though. My third friend became very upset when I told her of my suicidal plans (she was a bit more normal). When I explained my reasons, she made this offer. As the favorite niece of unmarried aunts in the Midwest, she stood to inherit some farms they owned. If I promised not to kill myself, my dear friend said, she would let me live in one of these houses, rent-free, for the rest of my life. I could write poetry, stay away from the world and people, and even grow my own food if I wanted (which, in my delusional state at the time I actually thought I could do).
The important thing is that it seemed like a possibility to me. I was instantly relieved of my suicidal feelings. I had a future with possibilities. I had a dream, a goal, a mission, a direction. Singer/songwriter Bruce Cockburn has a line in one of his songs: In the absence of vision, there are nightmares. I was living a nightmare because I had no vision of a better future, only one that was the same as or worse than, the present. My friend's kind offer had opened up a new future for me.
Of course, the next challenge was how to live until one of the aunts departed (they were in their sixties and, at 19, I was certain one of them was going to leave the planet within a few years – turns out they lived for many years after that). I was no longer going to kill myself, but I was still miserable. So, now I had a new mission-I became obsessed with discovering how people lived successfully, that is, how they weren't miserable all the time as I was, how they got along with other people, how they handled money.
Chapter 2
Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot
In order to succeed, you are going to need your soul. That may sound a bit stupid, because you may be certain you already have a soul. And perhaps you do. But I will tell you what I mean by soul. I will tell you what a soul is good for and suggest ways to reclaim the bits of it that may be missing. I think people who have trouble succeeding have misplaced at least part of their souls.
What a Soul is Good for, Part I: Energy, Aliveness and Passion
Your soul is the place in your body, your self, or your life where your energy and vitality lives and grows. Generally, children seem to have their souls intact. They are vibrant and alive. They have boundless energy. Contrast that with most of us in our work. We're often exhausted before we even get there. The poet David Whyte jokes that when the alarm rings for us to get up and go to work, some part of us objects to going, so we leave about 50 percent of ourselves in bed. Off we trudge to work, dragging ourselves out the door. But when we get to the parking lot, another 30 percent of us just refuses to go into that place. So we leave that bit of ourselves in the car, cracking a window so it won't suffocate while we are at work. Is it any wonder, he asks, you feel exhausted after a day at work?
Think of yourself as a circle. We start life as complete 360-degree selves, then we begin to cut away slices. As we make compromises, or try to fit in, or look for love or security, we wind up shaving off, smoothing out, cutting off, hiding or suppressing more and more of who we are. We end up with a 227-degree self or a 164-degree self.
So we kind of fit in, but each of those slices we left behind contained some of our basic life force or energy. YOU'RE GONNA NEED THAT ENERGY IF YOU WANT TO SUCCEED.
My wife has this thing she does with her hands when she is energized. She shakes them in a peculiar way, as if she is filled with energy and it is spilling out of her. I can always tell when she is excited or happy about something; the hands start to go. I sometimes howl or thrust my fist into the air and let out a whoop when I feel similarly energized. You probably have your equivalent, unless you're half dead at this point in your life.
What brings your soul alive and makes your heart sing? What excites you? What makes energy just run through your body? It's like that children's game in which some object is hidden, but the other participants are not allowed to tell you where it is. All they can do is tell you whether you are hot or cold as you wander around looking for it. If you are getting close, they say, "Warm." If you then move in the wrong direction, they say, "Colder, colder," but if you turn and begin to move in the right direction, they say, "Warmer, warmer, warmer, hot, hotter," as you approach the hidden object. Your soul plays the same game with you, letting you know by your energy level whether you are close or farther away from what brings you alive.
What a Soul is Good for, Part II: Integrity and Uniqueness
Let me clue you in, my dear reader – you are a deviant. And I mean that in a good way. I know you try to hide it, but it's true. If anyone really knew the weird thoughts, impulses and fantasies you have on a regular basis, they would lock you up, wouldn't they? Nobody else quite thinks and feels like you do. You are unique.
Being a psychotherapist (emphasis on psycho) for over a quarter century, I have been to that weird place with many people over the years. We're all freaks, and what's freaky about us is often what's best about us.
So the other function of the soul is to bring together all the diverse elements within you that make you unique, like your DNA does with your body. All of the abilities, skills and distinctive qualities that make your sensibilities and expressions like no one else's in the world are available through the integrity your soul brings to your life. Martha Graham, the legendary dancer/choreographer, said it well: "There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action – and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly."
What is it that only you can do in the way you can do it? What do you constantly try to smooth over about yourself or dismiss as too bizarre or embarrassing? That's probably what you have to offer the world. Do you know Bobby McFerrin, the singer and now orchestra conductor? His big hit was "Don't Worry, Be Happy". He performed dressed only in jeans, bare feet and bare-chested, making odd noises issue from his body, by singing, humming, slapping his chest. His music was like no one else's. I'm sure when he first began singing that way, his friends and family chastised him: Bobby, you are weird. Stop that or you'll never make it in music. He seems to have done okay for himself.
I once heard a story about Leo Szilard, the physicist. One day he told a friend he had started keeping a diary. He wanted, he said, to record the facts for God. His friend chided him. "Leo, don't you think God already knows the facts?" "Yes," replied Szilard, "but not this version!"
Nobody has the same version, perception or expression of life you do. No one has the same store of experience or exact values and concerns you do. That is your gift, really all that you are – you are as unique as your fingerprints. As the poet e. e. cummings wrote: To be nobody - But - Yourself - In a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting.
Part of your integrity is embracing the contradictions within yourself. When I was growing up, I was painfully shy. In my late twenties, because I was passionate about sharing some ideas and methods of therapy that excited me, I realized I would have to start teaching workshops and seminars. The problem was that I was shy. When I thought about it, I discovered that I had really bought into a myth about myself. I was shy most of the time, but on some occasions, I was not shy (with my close family members or friends, for example). So, the truth was I was shy and not shy (I have since discovered my inner ham, which loves to talk in front of people).
I am lazy and not lazy. I am a nice guy and a son of a . . . well, you get the point. As Walt Whitman wrote: Do I contradict myself? Very well, then. I am large. I contain multitudes. Can you contain the multitudes within you? Most people are not just one way. They contain contradictions. Again, if you try to smooth over or hide the contradictions, you make yourself smaller. Too small, perhaps, for what you will have to do to succeed.
As Marianne Williamson has written: "Your 'playing small' does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us. It is in everyone."
Susana Herrera, in her book, Mango Elephants in the Sun, recounts that in the rural Cameroonian village where she spent a two-year Peace Corps stint, they had a traditional greeting which went, Jam bah doo nah? (Are you in your skin?), which had the expected answer of Jam core doo nay! (I am in my skin!). That's really the question I have for you here: Are you in your skin?
A few years ago, I was giving a talk at a conference on treating people who had been sexually abused. During my presentation, I spoke about having been sexually molested by my grandfather. I used a lot of irreverent humor while relating this rather terrible and sad thing that happened to me when I was young. One of my friends and colleagues, Steve Gilligan, was in the audience of a few hundred people. During the question and answer period following my talk, Steve stood up, looked out over the audience and said simply, "Bill O'Hanlon is a deviant." There were a few nervous titters. "No, really," he went on. "No one else would have told that incident just the way Bill did. He is really unique. He's a deviant. But he seems so comfortable in his deviance, doesn't he? He is a good role model for being deviant and unashamed." I was very pleased with what Steve had said and for a while, considered getting myself a tee-shirt made that said DEVIANT AND PROUD.
A few months later, I was giving another talk and told that story. After the talk, a woman approached me with her own story. She had attended a class with a spiritual teacher who was visiting from India. She had been studying spirituality for many years and had meditated regularly. While she really enjoyed the class, the teacher used a phrase every week that had perplexed and troubled her. He kept repeating and emphasizing, "You must double your weirdness!" Whenever he used the phrase, it startled her. However, when she looked around the room at the other students, she saw them nodding their heads with enthusiasm and diligently taking notes. She spent the time between classes trying to understand this cryptic phrase, which seemed to have nothing to do with the rest of his teachings. She felt stupid, since everyone else seemed to be getting it rather easily. After about six weeks of classes, she had grown used to his thick Indian accent. One night she realized in a flash what he had been saying that whole time was really, "You must develop your awareness!"
She felt relieved and slightly silly for having struggled so with such a simple misunderstanding. But as she heard my story, she realized she had actually been hearing the message she most needed to hear for her spiritual growth. She was always concerned about fitting in and looking good and being "normal." She vowed that from that night on, she would work on "doubling her weirdness." So, that is your assignment, if you are willing to accept it. Embrace your deviance; double your weirdness.
The very things we try to smooth over or hide can be the things that propel us to success, because their energy and aliveness are available. Now when I use the words "weird" or "deviant," I hope you realize I am being dramatic to make a point.
Three Ways to Find or Reclaim your Soul
These integrative and energizing functions of the soul can provide the fuel for both finding your dreams and realizing them, because they help you discover and claim more of your aliveness and uniqueness. If you don't have full access to your soul, you will find it much harder (perhaps impossible) to discover what it is you want to do. Even if you do discover it, if you don't reclaim your soul, you won't have the energy to accomplish the things you need to accomplish to succeed. And if you hide your deviance and uniqueness, what you end up doing may not succeed because it will look like what anyone could have done. There are several ways to reclaim your energy, integrity and soul.
Here are three:
1. Pursue and follow what energizes you and brings you alive.
2. Embrace your deviance, your uniqueness, your voice.
3. Embrace and allow your seeming contradictions.
These then, are the two functions of your soul.
1. Energy, Aliveness, Passion - Soul gives energy and alerts us to when we're in the presence of energy-givers or energy-drainers as we move through life.
2. Integrity or Integration - Soul contains the contradictory and conflicting aspects of ourselves. Soul lets us know when we have integrity and when we are off the path of integrity.
Chapter 3
How to Get a Dream Worth Pursuing: Blissed or Pissed
When I teach seminars on this topic, participants often ask me how they can discover what their missions, destinies and dreams really are. At first, this stumped me a bit, because I'm one of those obnoxious people who already knows what he is supposed to be doing. I usually have too many dreams and have to settle on one or two at a time. I usually stumble or grope my way blindly into my future. I generally know when I'm on the right road and when I've gone astray – such as when I'm doing something just for fame or fortune. (Nothing wrong with fame and fortune, but things lose their meaning and aliveness for me when I do them only for personal gain. Maybe it will be different for you. But I doubt it.)
After observing and thinking about this for a while, I figured out something to say that might help people who don't find it so easy or automatic to find their dreams. So, here it comes.
Two ways to find a dream worth pursuing:
1. Follow your bliss, as mythologist Joseph Campbell once said. That is, attend to the stuff that excites you and brings you alive. Follow that. Keep doing it until something shows up that gives you the form that the world will appreciate and support (and ideally will pay you for as well, so you can pay the bills while pursuing your mission). But this approach may not work for everyone. Some people come at the thing by a whole different route. For them, there is:
2. Follow what pisses you off or upsets you. What happens in the world that really bothers you? What evil do you want to correct? What is done in the wrong way that you think you might be able to change, given your abilities, your passion about the issue and what you have learned from your life experiences?
Some people seem to know instantly what blisses them out or pisses them off. Quincy Jones, the musician and record producer, tells in his autobiography, Q, about his transformation from delinquent to successful musician. He and some friends broke into a building intending to do some mischief and steal things. He came upon a room that was empty except for a piano. He was about to close the door to that room when something inside stopped him and told him to go in. He sat at the piano and began to play. From that moment on, he knew his life was going to involve playing music. Within a relatively few years, he was playing with some of the jazz greats of his time, Lionel Hampton and Frank Sinatra.
Business guru Tom Peters also knew. He co-wrote In Search of Excellence, which became an unexpected best-seller and revolutionized business practices around the world. Here's what he writes about it: "When I wrote [In Search of Excellence] . . . , I wasn't trying to fire a shot to signal a revolution. But I did have an agenda. My agenda was this: I was genuinely, deeply, sincerely, and passionately pissed off! So what's the point? Just this: Nearly 100% of innovation – from business to politics – is inspired not by 'market analysis' but by people who are supremely pissed off by the way things are."
Others seem to stumble their way along, living lives that are somehow wrong until they finally get it right. Dominick Dunne, the writer, was a Hollywood producer, doing relatively all right. But after some years at it, he realized even though he had fame and success, he didn't really like this life he thought he would love. He began to drink and use drugs to excess and got fired. "Thank God I hit bottom," he said, "Hitting bottom is a wonderful thing . . . If you can get back up."
After he was fired, a scandal erupted in Hollywood. A producer, David Begelman, was found to have forged a $10,000 check in the name of actor Cliff Robertson. Dunne followed the story in the papers and, having time on his hands, became obsessed with it. But the local papers soon swept it under the rug. Hollywood closed ranks and protected one of its own. The Washington Post got wind of the cover-up and sent two investigative reporters to Hollywood. But they couldn't get the close-knit Hollywood community to open up about the story. When one of them spotted Dunne in a restaurant (the reporter had gone to school with Dunne's brother), Dunne, being unemployed, having time on his hands, being interested in the story and knowing all the players in Hollywood, agreed to get the reporters entree into the Hollywood community. For two weeks, he accompanied them on their investigation. As he saw what investigative reporters did, he thought to himself, "I can do this." He had always had it in the back of his mind that he would like to write and here was a direction.
Two other things made the direction much more clear. One was that Begelman essentially got away with few consequences from his misdeed (he was fired. as head of one big studio, but immediately hired as head of another), but Robertson, the victim, never had a major role in Hollywood after that. This mystified and upset Dunne.
Dunne's daughter was brutally murdered and something similar occurred. Dunne attended the trial and was appalled that the murderer seemed to have been coached on what to wear and how to act (he carried a Bible and read it constantly during the trial). Dunne knew enough from his time in the movies to recognize acting and props when he saw them. He became outraged as the trial proceeded when he saw that people with money and fame do not get the same legal consequences for bad deeds as do the rest of us.
He realized he could spend the rest of his life angry and embittered, but then a light came on. He could become an investigative reporter, specializing in writing about the rich and powerful in legal settings. "I had never had an interest in justice," he decried, "I was the guy who would rather be at the party." But now he was obsessed with justice. He left Hollywood and moved to a one-room shack in Oregon to write. He has made a good living at it ever since and has illuminated the injustice that often occurs when the rich and powerful are often able to get away with murder because of their fame, wealth and connections.
Follow Your Bliss
Okay, first the bliss. Here's poet Pablo Neruda, writing about the moment when he discovered poetry as his life's work: something ignited in my soul, fever or forgotten wings. What ignites your soul? What excites you when you anticipate doing or pursuing it? Doesn't matter what it is. It could be doing crossword puzzles. It could be reading pornography. It could be contra-dancing. It could be movies. It could be knowing who played bass or drums on old rock songs. I have a friend who loves to figure out how to do several tasks as efficiently as possible in terms of time and motion. He takes great delight in plotting the most efficient route for the several errands he has to do. When he comes to visit me, he creates templates on my computer that simplify and automate the tasks I routinely do. This makes him happy (and me too).
Whatever that thing is, keep following it. Do not worry about figuring out how to make money or a career from it. We'll deal with that later. Just follow it. As much as you desire. I call these kinds of passions soulful obsessions, to distinguish them from those other kind of addictions and obsessions that destroy or diminish our souls and lives. Soulful obsessions sometimes involve huge amounts of work, but they seem effortless because we come alive and lose time when we engage in them.
When I was writing this book, I came across an interview in Rolling Stone magazine with musician Mark Knopfler, who had achieved fame and success with his group Dire Straits and as a solo artist. He was asked if he was obsessive about music. He responded, "You've got to be slightly obsessive about a job to be good at it. I used to smell Fender catalogs. (For non-music freaks, Fender is a brand of guitars.)" I thought that was great. I felt the same kind of obsessiveness in my pursuit of psychotherapy at first If you are as lazy as I am, this is a key point. I "work," I guess, but because I am so turned on by the things I do, I don't have to force or discipline myself to work. I can't wait to do the things I do. I become slightly obsessed with them.
I met a 7-year-old girl recently (while I was waiting for a medical appointment) who was constantly singing. I was charmed by the singing. When I remarked on this to her mother, I learned that this little girl knew the lyrics to hundreds of songs by heart. Her mother told me that sometimes she has to sing her requests and instructions to the girl to get her to do things. "Please pick up your toys," her mother croons. "Tiiiime for dinner," mother sings. Maybe that little girl will grow up following her passion for music or maybe others will stifle this quirky habit by telling her to be quiet and grow up.
That kid who drops out of Harvard to write software may turn out to be Bill Gates. That boy who secretly draws cartoons in class every chance he gets may turn out to be Walt Disney. That girl who can imitate anyone she meets may grow up to be Whoopi Goldberg. No guarantee, of course. But it's guaranteed if they don't pursue it, they won't get where those people got. The same goes for you.
Many people don't follow their passions because they can't imagine how they will make a living at them or because other people convince them there is no future or practical value in them. Most people would say that dropping out of Harvard is not practical.
You might be ashamed of what you enjoy, imagining that it is weird or trivial or stupid (or having been told that it is one of those things). Ray Bradbury writes of having torn up his prized collection of comic strips when he was a young boy because his friends mocked him and told him they were for babies. He immediately regretted his actions and vowed he would never let people shame him into betraying his interests again. Pursuing these comics and other weird passions (for example, he was obsessed with circuses and science fiction), he became a prolific writer. He maintains that following these strange interests without shame was the mother-lode of passion he tapped into that allowed him to be so productive and creative.
As Bradbury discovered, if you give this thing up or don't follow it, you may kill off that part of you. Then you would lose that bit of energy from your soul as well as precious time when you could be developing skills, knowledge, confidence or networks of relationships in that area. This is one of the tough parts about pursuing real success: other people will often disapprove of your actions and think your obsessions are silly and time-wasting. To keep their criticisms from stopping you in your tracks, you will probably have to develop a bit of rhino skin (or else pursue your passion in secret until it is strong enough to stand up to other people's naysaying). Remember this point: You need thick skin to follow your bliss.
If you truly follow your bliss, in time you will arrive some place that no one can reach. I once heard a story about Neil Young, the singer/songwriter. With many other Canadian singers, he was participating in a benefit recording, the Canadian version of "We Are the World," for hunger relief. Each artist had his or her own line to sing. During the playback, the producer stopped the tape after Neil Young's line and said rather sheepishly, "Neil, you were slightly off-pitch. Let's do it over." To which Young countered: "Hey, man, that's my style!" When I heard that story, I thought, Now that's a man who has found his voice. If you follow your bliss, you will find your own unique version of the thing you do and find your singular voice. No one will be able to steal what you have or do, because it is too much you. No one can do exactly what Bob Dylan, Lilly Tomlin, Neil Young, Bobby McFerrin, Laurie Anderson, James Joyce, Miles Davis or other deviants do best.
Blessed
Another aspect of being blissed is to identify by whom and about what you were blessed. Who has blessed us about something; someone who told you that you were good at something, believed in you, supported you at crucial and difficult moments, or mentored you? For example, was there a teacher who praised your writing; an uncle who thought you could sing amazingly; a friend who told you you were a great listener and should be a therapist; a parent who believed in you and told you you could do anything you set your mind to?
A professional colleague of mine, Patrick Carnes, told a story about growing up in an abusive dysfunctional family and church. He escaped into reading. The librarian at school noticed his interest and encouraged it. She saved books especially for him. She was his librarian and supporter through much of grade school and all through high school, where she transferred to a new job the year he began his high school years. Because of her blessing him, giving him the sense he was smart and good, he went on in his education, ultimately obtaining his Ph.D. and writing many books.
Pissed Off
Now for the pissed.
When I became a therapist, I was excited about finding ways to help people move from painful lives that didn't work to happier, more workable lives. To that end, I read voraciously, attended lots of workshops and got advanced training in methods and theories that I thought were especially effective. But I began to notice that my colleagues didn't pursue results as relentlessly as I did and often blamed their clients when they didn't get results. This upset me so much that sometimes, shy as I was, I suggested that perhaps the lack of results derived from the fact that they weren't using the latest and most effective techniques and ideas. My colleagues didn't appreciate my critiques and weren't moved to learn the new ideas and methods I was excited about. Soon I gave up saying anything. I realized that the way to move people was to become well known by teaching workshops and writing books about my ideas. After all, the people that had influenced me were people who taught and wrote and were well known in the field. So I set out to do that. Believe me, it was a challenge for me, a shy person and a novice writer who was usually too antsy to sit down and write, to commit to becoming a public speaker and a published author. But I was so pissed off about the disrespectful and ineffective approaches of my colleagues, and so moved by my clients' pain, that I was compelled to do it.
Candy Lightener, the founder of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), had a daughter who was killed by a drunk driver with multiple drunk driving arrests and convictions. She became so angry that she created a national movement that has changed drunk driving laws in the United States, prodded police and courts to better enforce existing laws, and saved thousands of lives. She couldn't bring her daughter back, but she could find some sense of meaning and purpose and save many other parents from going through what she had to go through.
Now when I say pissed, I mean something more than angry as well. It might be something that has hurt or wounded you that drives your passion and destiny. We all know the archetypal business tycoon who grew up dirt poor and hungry. One of my mentors, the psychiatrist Milton Erickson, grew up on a farm and always thought he would become a farmer himself until he was stricken with polio in his teens. When he found he no longer had the physical ability to farm, he knew exactly what he wanted to do: be a doctor. When he was a youngster, he developed an abscessed tooth. The infection became worse and worse, until one day it became unbearable. Erickson walked five miles to the doctor's office. The moment the doctor lanced the abscess, Erickson felt instant relief from that terrible pain. Then the doctor found out that the young boy had walked miles alone in pain and gave him a nickel. To a boy in the early 1900s, that seemed like a fortune. Not only was his pain gone, he had a nickel and felt happy. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Erickson decided that if one wasn't a farmer, then being a doctor was a great thing to do: to relieve pain and help people feel good was a noble calling.
It might be the opposite of being blessed. Who cursed you? Who told you you were not capable, good, or worthy? This gives us energy to prove them wrong or overcome our own secret fear that they were right in their pronouncements.
"You'll never make anything of yourself," says your stepdad, and years later, you drive up in your new Mercedes to show him he was wrong. Or you win the Pulitzer Prize and send a copy back to that editor who told you you couldn't write your way out of a paper bag.
I was reading an interview recently with the author of the children's book series, Captain Underwear. He was a poor student with some learning disabilities and many of his teachers and principals were harsh with him and made dire pronouncement regarding his future chances in this world. He is getting his revenge now by making "screw-up" students the heroes of his books (which have sold in the millions) and a principal the dupe for these students.
Pissed and Blissed
Sometimes a dream emerges from a mix of pain and passion. A colleague of mine, Ernest Rossi, had a learning disability that made it difficult for him to learn to read. Because learning disabilities were unheard of during his boyhood, when he fell seriously behind the other children, he was taken out of his classes and put with the kids who were called "retarded." On the playground, his former classmates teased him mercilessly, chanting "Ernie's a retard, Ernie's a retard." He was terribly ashamed.
When Ernie entered high school, his family had moved, and he had a chance to escape his old shame. Though he could now read, on that first day of high school, he began to doubt himself. Maybe I'm not smart enough to hack it in high school, he thought. After classes were over, he wandered around the big school library, feeling overwhelmed by all the knowledge contained in those books. His attention was caught by one particular thick tome. If I could ever read a book like that and understand it, he told himself, it would prove I wasn't stupid. He plucked it out of the stacks and read the title: A Critique of Pure Reason, by Immanuel Kant. He sat down to read it. He stared at the first paragraph and could not make heads nor tails of it. He read it again. And again. And again, until he finally understood what the author was saying. He did the same with the rest of the first page and finally, after understanding it, walked home with a deep feeling of satisfaction. Ernie visited the library every day after school and read that book until he had understood the whole thing. By the time he had graduated from high school, he had read the book three times.
Ernie went on to college and graduate school. While pursuing his Ph.D. in pharmacognosy (don't ask, it has to do with plants and medicines), a fellow Ph.D. student came to him one day and thrust a book in his hand and said, in effect: Ernie, you are really messed up and need to read this book. It will help you. Ernie looked up from his microscope, puzzled, and examined the thick book: Interpretation of Dreams, by Sigmund Freud. He took the book home, opened it, and immediately fell under its spell. You should know that Ernie is a very introverted guy and has a rich inner life. Here was a map of that inner life. The book completely captured him, so much so that he read it again and again (sound familiar?) Ultimately, he decided to drop out of his pharmacognosy program and to get a Ph.D. in psychology. He went on to become a Jungian analyst. Fascinated with dreams, Ernie created a new method of working with them, wrote a book about it, and developed a successful practice in southern California.
Things went along fine until some of his patients told Ernie that when they worked with him on their dreams, they felt that they had gone into trances. Ernie was upset by this. He was doing Jungian work and considered hypnosis a cheap parlor trick. But, as time went on, more and more patients mentioned this to him. One day, one of Ernie's most respected patients, a wise older man who knew a lot about Jungian work, also mentioned that Ernie's dreamwork was very hypnotic. After they discussed it, the man gave Ernie a book to read: Advanced Techniques of Hypnosis and Therapy: Selected Papers of Milton H. Erickson, M.D. Ernie took the book home at the end of the day, which happened to be a Friday. As before, he opened the book curiously and once again found himself captured. This fellow Erickson had an amazing way of working that was entirely different from the way Ernie had been taught. He spent all weekend reading the book. He was so excited about what he was reading, he barely slept until Sunday night.
Early on Monday morning, Ernie awoke with a severe stomachache. It was so painful that it drove him to go to the emergency room, where he was put through many tests. The tests found no physical cause for the pain and Ernie and the doctors finally concluded that it must be psychosomatic (perhaps he was unable to digest the fact that this book was going to challenge his old way of working and require him to learn a whole new approach). With the help of some medication, Ernie was able to return to his practice, though he was still in some pain. Meanwhile, he remained so impressed by Erickson's work that he made an appointment to see him, hoping that this eminent healer might help him resolve his now chronic stomach pain.
As he was driving from California to Phoenix, Arizona, where Erickson practiced, his stomach pain mysteriously disappeared. He arrived and told Erickson his story and they decided that Ernie would study with Erickson. They ultimately worked together on three books in which Ernie explained how Erickson did what he did, analyzing Erickson's work in detail like he did Kant's book and then dreams. Ernie has gone on to write many books about mind-body healing and related topics.
My point is that, in some ways, Ernie's life work derived mainly from a mix of his pain and self-doubt and his bliss. He seems to have proved by now (in his 60s) that he is not stupid (he assured me recently that he has now settled the issue within himself), but he followed both what upset him (proving he wasn't stupid by persisting with difficult material; following his stomachache to Erickson; mind-body healing) and his bliss (dreams and Erickson's work)
So, if you haven't got a dream that compels you yet, search in one or both of these directions:
What turns you on, blisses you out, excites you, compels you?
What do you seek out without any prodding from guilt or duty?
OR
What pisses you off? What has hurt you so much that you want to prevent it from happening to others?
Here are some questions that might help you find your destiny or dream.
*****
HOW TO FIND OR RECOGNIZE LIFE MISSIONS AND DESTINY
Increased energy
What gives you a sense of aliveness, energy and possibility?
What activities energize you, even though you have exerted yourself or worked at them?
Attentional fascination
What captures your attention or holds you spellbound?
What do you continue to return to when you have some time?
What do you make time to do or seek out even when you are busy?
What do you daydream about?
Righteous indignation
What would you talk about if given an hour of prime time television to influence the nation or the world?
What pisses you off that you would like to correct in the world or other people?
Soulful (not petty) envy/jealousy
What are others doing that you think you could make a better or more profound contribution doing a similar thing?
Recognizing this as your place or work
Where or what have you done that feels “just right”?
What feels like you were born to do it or where you were born to be?
Role models
Whose work or life do you admire?
Who inspires or moves you?
Blessings
Where were you blessed and about what?
Who blessed you?
What do I do with this information?
Right now, you don't have to figure out what to do with these signals. We'll get to that later. Right now we are discussing identifying the energy that calls or speaks to you.
Fill in any or all of this that is relevant to you.
Answering some of these questions can help you become more clear about the energy or energies that are moving in your life right now and that can help you find your direction and perhaps your life work.
When I read books with exercises or questions, I never do them. So why have I put some questions and exercises in this book? First, because some people actually do them and like them. But even if you're in my camp, I suggest you take the time and effort to answer any of these questions that speak to you, because just reading them won't do it. You've got to find a way to engage with this stuff. So, put down the bong, turn off the TV, and actually think over your answers, maybe even write them down.
Questions for exploring Bliss
Here are some questions to answer that might ferret out your bliss:
What activities do you seek out regardless of money or time constraints?
What do you love doing?
What can't you stop reading about?
Talking about?
Researching?
What do you want to tell people about because you're so excited about it?
What are or have been your soulful obsessions?
By this I don't mean the people you have stalked or the addictive activities that you have engaged in compulsively, but something that seemed inexplicable and also very deep. During college, I was obsessed with finding all the different versions of old English folk songs and copying them into my notebooks. I couldn't really explain my interest and at times, I neglected my university studies to pursue this interest. Many years later, when I became a writer, I realized that my soul was preparing me to be a writer by appreciating words and the slight variations of wording that can make all the difference.
Later, I became obsessed with reading computer magazines. I'm not much of a tech guy and was initially baffled by this interest, but years later, when I began to use my computer for writing books, doing computer-based slide presentations for my workshops, and creating e-books and audio products, I was able to do this without being intimidated by the technology.
What soulful obsessions have grabbed you?
What kind of books do you read compulsively?
What kind of activities do you engage in compulsively that don't seem unhealthy?
What kind of information do you seek out obsessively?
Who are you fascinated with?
What kind of gossip grabs you?
What riveted reactions have you had when:
Watching television?
Listening to the radio?
Talking to friends?
Something happens at work?
What parts of these activities or what activities have you enjoyed in the areas of:
Hobbies (past or present)?
Family activities?
Spiritual or religious activities?
Volunteer activities?
Career activities?
Vacations and trips?
Questions for exploring Blessed
Who has believed in you and encouraged you?
Who has told you that you were capable of something?
Who has been your inspiration or role model that got you to consider doing something in life or as a career?
Who is always on your side or in your corner?
When were you in the right place at the right time?
What natural abilities have you been blessed with?
What comes easily and naturally for you in life?