“We all know that getting these beautiful temples of ours cleansed & shining is super important. But every time I read another diet or detox book I fall asleep...At last, beautiful Denise has chirped the song to my heart & made a detox plan that’s actually delicious & divine. If you are hankering to be a Radiant Goddess, Rock the World Rehab is your soul’s sister.” ~Goddess Leonie Dawson, author of 73 Lessons every Goddess Must Know
“...a magnifique must-read for women...in search of self-acceptance, self-respect, balance, and joie de vivre…packaged in an entertaining and effective program. Denise keeps it real with her genuine voice..."~Edwige Gilbert, author of the Fresh Start Promise: 28 days to Total Mind, Body, Spirit Transformation
“...If you’re in search of your authentic self, she can be found between the covers of this super-fun, highly creative, all-encompassing book...Your life on every level will never be the same...Let the Concert Chick revolution begin!” ~Kristin McGee, celebrity trainer, TV personality, writer and Fila yoga ambassador
“This book rocks! If you want to lighten your load and brighten your life, a detox with Rox is awesome!” ~David “Yeah Dave” Romanelli, author of Yeah Dave's Guide to Livin’ the Moment
Concert Chick Productions Presents
Rock the World Rehab
A 4-Step “Get Red Carpet Ready”
Body+Mind+Heart+Soul Detox Adventure
Starring You!
by Rox, the Original Concert Chick, as chirped to
Denise Marie Nieman, Ph.D.
Rock the World Rehab
Copyright © 2012 by Denise Marie Nieman
Smashwords Edition
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. All rights reserved.
Must-Read Legal C.R.A.P.
(certain reminders about principles, a.k.a. the fine print)
If you are pregnant, bulimic, anorexic, diabetic, breast-feeding, mal- nourished, significantly overweight or underweight, or have any other emotional, mental, or physical condition or issue that may prevent you from safely enjoying and benefitting from Rock the World Rehab, please check with your health care provider before you embark on this detox adventure. This is very important! No two people are alike and you could subject your body to harm if there is anything about you that shouldn’t check into rehab. In fact, even if you are a healthy chick, ask your doc if it’s cool for you to go on this journey. Nothing herein is a substitute for professional consultation, diagnosis, and/or treatment of any kind. Nothing! Not. One. Single. Thing.
On that note, the tone of this book is light, conversational and fun, and “rehab,” “detox,” and other related terms are used playfully but certainly with respectful recognition and no downplaying of the fact that there are people with life-threatening addictions and conditions that require detoxification and treatment in a rehabilitation center under the guidance of trained professionals.
Rox, Denise, and/or Concert Chick Productions, LLC, are not liable to you in relation to the contents of this book or anything or anyone connected thereto. Don’t even think about asking your lawyer to contact our lawyer about damages of any kind including, but not limited to, direct, indirect, special, or consequential loss or loss of consciousness or your conscience. No one—at least on our end—is forcing you to read and/or check into Rock the World Rehab though we are so happy that you are here. Anything you may or may not do as suggested in this book is your sole decision. Self-responsibility where it's at, sweetie, which we're guessing you already embrace by the very fact that you are reading this book—you want to take control of your life, knows that you are the only one who can and ultimately are the one responsible for same. This is exactly what an original Concert Chick would do. Kudos to you!
While every effort was made by Denise to verify the accuracy of what Rox chirped to her, some tweets may have been lost in the translation since they were proffered in rapid-fire French and Denise is only halfway through Intermediate French and is not as far along as she had hoped to be. Internet addresses that were correct and products mentioned in the Swag Lounge that were available at the time of publication may have changed or may otherwise be no more. Bear in mind that not only do Rox, Denise, and Concert Chick Productions, LLC, have zero control over these shifts and/or disappearing acts, they also assume no responsibility for third-party products or Web sites or their content. It’s impossible to swear on a stack of Bibles, pancakes or anything else for that matter that the info you find cited from other sources and in the Swag Lounge is accurate, true, complete, and/or even safe (though every single item was tested, read, consumed, worn, and more as the case may be by us).
Should you see yourself in any of the chapters, know that any likeness to a real person, whether dead or alive, is purely coincidental. Sorry. Your fifteen minutes of fame will come soon enough from elsewhere. In no way, shape, or form is the reference to pole dancers and Playboy bunnies herein intended to endorse, encourage, or otherwise suggest certain activities, aspirations, avocations, and/or gyrations. This book was created to deliver a much-needed, meaningful message. Let it reveal itself to you through an open mind and a sense of humor. There are plenty of other crusades if you’re up for a fight, like the abuse of poultry raised for food. For obvious reasons, this is very troubling for a Concert Chick. On that note, be advised that no animals have been harmed in any way in the creation of this book, though much human sleep was skipped and Rox lost a few feathers testing bikini wax strips. Further, the use of sweatshops is not part of our creative process, unless you consider proofing drafts poolside in the hot South Florida sun such a use. Last but not least, please do not read this book while operating a motor vehicle or any heavy equipment. And you’ll have to provide your own batteries.
Now that the legal c.r.a.p. is out of the way—HOORAY!—let the life-changing trip begin!
This book is dedicated to my heaven angel and to my earth angels, both guardians in their own special way.
To my brother Dennis, who shines his light on me from above with the occasional wing whack to the back of my head to keep me on track.
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To my husband Joe, who loves me unconditionally and supports my dreams, even when I am and they are a bit wacky.
You both have permanent residence in my heart no matter where you are, up there or down here. I am truly grateful and abundantly blessed.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: The “Rock the World rehab” tour
Chapter 2: Get Your Attitude Adjustment Here
Key 1: Be Yourself—Find Your Light
Key 2: Follow Your Bliss—Be Your Light
Key 3: Do What’s Right—Shine Your Light On Others
Chapter 3: It's Time to Rock ’n’ Roll!
Step 1: Intervention: You Do Need This!
Step 2: Preparation: Get Ready to Do It!
Step 3: Detoxification: You’re Doing It!
Step 4: Celebration: You Did It!
Chapter 4: Feeding Your Body+Mind+Heart+Soul
Chapter 5: You Gotta Move it, Move it to Lose it, Lose it!
Chapter 6: Sparkles In: That Inner Bling Thing
Chapter 7: Sparkles Out: That Outer Bling Thing
Chapter 8: How to Cope With the Dope + the Mope
Chapter 9: Celebrate Yourself!
Chapter 10: After-Party Afterthoughts
Chapter 11: Your All-Access Pass to Magic Red Carpet Rides
Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Bonjour! Welcome to our little nest. We embrace you with open arms and wings. Please do make yourself comfortable. Would you like a flute of champagne? We are going to get along just fine.
There’s a good chance that you are a chick who has had enough of the fluff, puff, and stuff or else we wouldn’t be meeting this way. So let’s get this party started.
I, Denise, am a dreamer, doer, just be-er, writer, yogini, globetrotter, reader, entrepreneur, lawyer, creative old soul, Natural Health Ph.D’er, and ex-ballerina who still loves (and wears, mum’s the word) tiaras and tutus. I’m a right-brained chick who dreams of Left Bank bistros. I’ve never tasted coffee. Ever. But I have tasted Twizzlers. Many. J’adore the beach, the moon+stars+sun, pink flamingos, anything and everything French, the word “sparkle,”1 my amazing husband, Joe, and our adorable “kids,” Oliver and Roxi. Champagne, anything sprinkled with glitter, bubble baths, blowing bubbles, and dark chocolate-covered caramels with a dust of sea salt bring on fits of joy.
H&M, Target, Chanel (Coco has been my muse since I was eight years old), Tiffany’s, Sephora, and Dairy Queen for Butterfinger Blizzards send chills up my spine. I have an obscene collection of costume jewelry housed in an old pine armoire-turned-jewelry-box.
Yes. That obscene. I inherited this addiction from my beloved Nana who still guides any expansion thereof from above. If you’re send- ing me flowers, lilacs, lilies of the valley, and pink roses make a sensational bouquet. Airplane tickets and salon blow-dries are my crack. I’m also Rox’s (who you will soon meet) manager/agent/handler/chief wineglass washer/chirp interpreter. The fact that I am also her creator keeps her in line, as much as a chick can be so kept.
Notwithstanding the fact that I survived earlier life experiences from which scary movies are made, I believe that everyone is inherently good and genuinely honest. I also believe in Santa Claus and have sent him a letter every year since I was a little girl. (I’m not mocking my first statement with the second—I really do believe in both.) The only difference between then and now is that the notes are written in la francaise and I add peppermint schnapps to the hot chocolate that is a must during this ritual. This annual event is the equivalent of a big ol’ honkin’ prayer, energized by the season of giving and getting. (For the record, I do get most of what I ask for, so hold your chortles, though lots of good hard honest work is involved, too.)
I’m described as Pollyannaish (Santa! People are good!), which sadly is viewed as a liability in some of my circles. I simply can’t help but see the beauty in everything and everyone. Which is a good thing because if I meet you when you’re having a horrific day and you show me your fangs, I’ll think things are just a little off for you at the moment and not that you’re some scary psycho nut job. When you tell me something, I believe that you’re telling me the truth. Silly me, but that’s how I roll. And you know what? This is how I want to show up so spare me the “people are shit” lecture (unless you’re my friend Jackie from Dallas whose mother created this expression). Cynicism just ain’t me. I tried it on for size once and, thank God, it didn’t fit. I chucked it after the longest thirty- two minutes of my life. It was so flippin’ constraining that my circulation cut off. Now, that is some shit.
My day job as a government lawyer can be a shade stressy at times. Add to the mix my right brain’s constant knocking at the door, which causes tremendous headaches if not opened (not cool for me as an attic drop years ago left my head a tad vulnerable). Truth be told—always—the past four years have sorta sucked. Even excessive shoe, handbag, and accessory shopping couldn’t take the edge off. Red velvet, cream-cheese frosted cupcakes with sprinkles on top washed down with Cupcake Vineyards Pinot Noir chasers didn’t do the trick either, though I must admit, they were quite yummy and buzzy. My tried-and-true arsenal of yoga, meditation, deep breaths, brisk walks, and long baths were useless weapons in the combat zone I was in. I felt stressed, depressed, suppressed, essentially a freakin’ mess! I wasn’t supposed to be feeling like this. After all, I’m perky and life loving and balanced and positive. WTF?
I allowed my inner peace to be shattered, which made me feel even worse because my trademark is calm. You can always count on me to flash a smile and enthusiastically let you know that “everything is wonderful!” Call me chipper chick! But circumstances were chipping away at that chipper and I had no clue how to deal with this foreign feeling. When I tried to share how I felt with others, people didn’t want to hear it because I’m the strong one that just handles things, so gosh golly, if I’m having problems, we’re all doomed.
So yes, even as my friend plucked 274 blond hairs off my black jacket one morning before a meeting, I smiled and shrugged it off to a new shampoo. Yeah, right, the kind that adds a shiny finish to the strands right before they jump follicle. I was losing my mind one strand at a time. And then I started to feel grumpy inside, yet still sporting that big ol’ friggin’ grin on my face. I wasn’t being sincere for the first time ever as far as I could recall, fronting the pillar-of-strength image. Let me add right here that I am no drama queen, so don’t even go there.
Then came the lumpy on the outside. Ugh. That, too. My fabulous wardrobe shrunk overnight. What was a stressed-to-the-max (in maxi cover-up dresses, a.k.a. muumuus) chick to do? I was be- ing clobbered every which way, and something had to give.
And then it dawned on me. The something that had to give was me, and not to others anymore, but to myself, another first. I finally decided that I’d had enough. Enough of trying to resolve everyone else’s problems. Enough of taking on responsibilities that belonged to others. Enough of ignoring my creative soul. Enough of allow- ing other mortals to squeeze the last drop out of me. Enough of the guilt I felt when I asked for what I needed because I didn’t want to be a burden. And enough snacking, sipping, and shopping for stuff I didn’t need/want/even like. Sauvignon blanc and Cheez-Its have their place at happy hour among dear friends, right, Karen? But really. A box and a bottle for dinner? And how many black shoes does a chick need? Never mind. Bad example. Need many.
The beauty in all this (See? There’s always an upside) is that I was practically forced to step back and not only say WTF? but to actually answer the question. I made a list of the people, places, and things in my life that drained my energy, and checked it twice (Santa!). It was time to let go of everyone and everything that dimmed my light and weighed me down. I craved genuine relationships with likeminded souls who I knew cared about me just as much as I cared about them. I was jonesing for glitter glue sticks, scissors, and empty journals. I had to fit into that hot Derek Lam corset dress hanging in my closet, dammit! Most of all, I yearned for me.
Every time I said no to something or someone on the list I said yes to myself. I welcomed back my bliss-inducing arsenal and even added new ammunition. Slowly but surely I released all that weighed me down. Over time, I purged every bit of what blocked my body+mind+heart+soul from shining their brightest. And my clothes miraculously unshrunk! I felt so light and free. And then the universe’s gifts came pouring in (Merci, Père Noël). From the chaos emerged Concert Chick Productions. I designed a tee, launched a Web site, welcomed Rox into the world, and learned to blog. I created the perfect escape hatch. At the end of the day, I’m a chick just like you: wanting to be the best I can be, to embrace joie de vivre, the carefree heart-filled enjoyment of life.
Everything in this book has gone through a series of trial runs by moi. I know firsthand that your life will change dramatically when you bid farewell to the drama of toxic anything and anyone. And the focus here isn’t only on the physical body pounds and poisons that most detox plans emphasize. I want you to have a brilliant mind, a joyful heart, a sparkly soul, and a red carpet body. No longer will you be the one who is dumped on. It’s time for you to do the dumping, sister! It’s time to hold life by the ankles and shake, shake, shake until all the negative thoughts are out of your head, the toxic people (and your reactivity to them) out of your life, the walls around your heart dismantled, and the extra padding on your gut and butt deflated.
On that high note, it’s time to meet Rox.2 Rox is Concert Chick Productions’ mascot. She was born from my overactive imagination in a seaside village in the South of France. (Her image was sketched in the Bellini Bar at Hotel du Cap Eden-Roc in Cap d’Antibes—amazing what a few très expensive bellinis can cause one to scribble on a cocktail napkin that, as I recall, wasn’t paper. My sincere apologies to the hotel management.) Rox loved music and dreamed of hanging out backstage and on the tour bus with her fave band. She thought she had to be like all the other chicks if her dreams were to come true. Just when she was ready to give up because who they were was so not her, she decided to just be herself and voilà! She found herself—and then found her way backstage, on the bus, and everywhere else she wanted to be. Chick chick hooray! Rox represents the free spirit that resides in each of us, the chick who desires to show up authentically, free, and sparkly. She lives in harmony with the rhythm of her body+mind+heart+soul. That’s what Concert Chicks do. And we want the same for you.
What is a concert chick?
Great question. Glad you asked.
At first, it was nothing more than a couple of words that popped into my head as I was being entertained by a gaggle of chicks trying to make their way past security at a Green Day concert, as in “Wow, those concert chicks must really want to get back there to do that to the guy at the gate.” (For the record, they were not admitted…at least that time). So, “Concert Chick” became nothing more, nothing less than a term of endearment for girls flipping their hair and wriggling their butts to party with a rock star. Cute. Harmless. Meaningless really.
And then everything changed during a four-hour silent meditation hike in a desert in Arizona. Blame it on the 100° plus temperature (whoever made up that “yes, but it’s dry heat” should stick their head in an oven and then see if they want to retract their statement). There I was, minding my own business, being all mindful (nothing like the threat of rattlesnakes, scorpions, and tarantulas to keep you in the moment) and quiet—no one to talk with other than me to me in my head, and girl, did we have a conversation!
As I was reflecting on how thankful I was to be out of Dodge for a few days and how nice it would be to do this every week yet recognizing that my desire wasn’t possible (reason rears its ugly head even on vacation), my thought train sped out of the station and went something like this: I really need to find a creative outlet…I’m so relieved that I haven’t seen any snakes yet…I wonder what’s for lunch…I want to design a Web site…I’m looking forward to my hot stone massage… OMG did that person just pee on that cactus?...Hey, maybe I’ll create a right-brain venture using Concert Chick somehow…Oh, I do hope they’re serving brownies for dessert…Holy crap! There’s a snake!
As soon as I was back in the van (sans snakebite but with some cactus stickers) where the silence officially ended, the only words I could muster were, “Who has a pen?” I scribbled all my Concert Chick ideas on the brown bag containing my lunch (dang, no brownie). I’d set up a Web site to sell “cool stuff for hot chicks,” starting with T-shirts. And this I did. Naturally, when people saw the name of the brand they automatically thought, “Far out, a chick that can hook us up with the latest concert news and great tix.” My husband is in the music business, after all. But that wasn’t what it was intended to be. Nope, not about the music we hear but about the music we are.
Mind, body, and spirit act in concert to determine health and well-being. ~Dr. Carl Thoresen
As with everything in life, Concert Chick evolved and has a much deeper meaning today.
The word “concert” used here is more in line with the French origin of the word, concerter, which means to bring into agreement. A “concert” is generally defined as a harmony of sounds, things, or persons. So as much as we love other folks’ music, the focus here is on our internal melody—the magnifique harmony created when one’s body+mind+heart+soul are in agreement. Each of us has a unique song that longs to—needs to—be expressed, and out loud!
We are all, in a sense, music. ~Don Campbell
As for “chick,” the word is slang for a girl or young woman, especially an attractive one, or a young child. It’s also used as a term of endearment. “Chick” in our context is your inner, playful child. We all have one and she is forever young, attractive, and attracting on all levels no matter how many years she has been alive.
Merge the two and voilà!
A Concert Chick is someone who lives in harmony with the rhythm of her body+mind+heart+soul resplendently working in tune with each other. She sings her own song. She dances to her own music. She marches to her own drummer. On her stage. Essentially and gracefully rockin’ her world, thus the entire planet. She is you.
A Concert Chick is beautiful inside and out, fearless, compassionate, generous, sparkly, creative, confident, and life loving. She’s intelligent but even more than that: she’s brilliant. And even more than that: she’s authentic. She’s not just a girl who wants to have fun (though that is a very good thing to want—just ask my “great minds think alike” friend and partner in “crime,” Tammy). A Concert Chick embraces who she truly is—an original master- piece—and not just some cheep 3 imitation of someone else. Rare art, just like you.
A Concert Chick taking center stage in her life is not only about getting all glamorous (though there’s nothing wrong with going glam—a day without glitter is glum!) and strutting her stuff (but surely, if you’ve got it, work it, girl!). And she’s not someone who needs the spotlight, making sure all eyes are focused on her. It’s not all about her. And it’s not all about her age, clothes, job, IQ, weight, home, education, bank account, car, shoes (though Concert Chicks love shoes), height, hair, skin, or eye color. A Concert Chick knows that being her is pretty damn cool and hot at the same time. And she’s right. Because from the depths of her heart, she knows this to be true. Hearts never lie. Listen to yours.
A Concert Chick cherishes her body+mind+heart+soul. She practices moderation in all things, avoiding excess of any kind. Well, most of the time, because she is not perfect, nor would she want to be even if it were possible. The time un verre du vin turns into deux and then into cinq—ouf! But we fluff our tail feathers and carry on, right, Catherine? (But girl, did we have fun!) A Concert Chick is aware of who and what energizes her light, enhances her glow, and fuels her soar. She’s also well aware of who and what dims her light, makes her feel low, and what she needs in her life no more. She’s able to let go of what holds her back. And nothing ever truly does. You are unstoppable.
Meet Your Inner Concert Chick
There is no question in my mind, even though we just met, that you are a Concert Chick. But because our essence is easily clouded through exposure to toxic people, places, and things, we sometimes lose sight of our sparkly standing. Let’s see how close you are to getting your sparkle on. Highlight the music note in front of the statements below that ring true for you.
♫ I go with the flow. Music inspires, motivates + moves me.
♫ I believe that dreams come true. Mine do.
♫ I am enough + I have enough, right at this very moment.
♫ I have worn a tiara.
♫ I usually wear a tiara + a feather boa.
♫ I am an original me, not some cheep imitation of some other chick.
♫ I rock the world with my upbeat energy + good vibrations.
♫ I let others be, recognizing that the world would be quite boring if we were all the same. I embrace differences.
♫ I march to my own drummer, enjoying life one step at a time.
♫ I wear fabulous shoes + am not afraid of heights.
♫ I sing my own song. I am not afraid to speak up + be heard. I swipe on sparkly lip gloss regularly.
♫ I flash smiles all day long. I laugh with others + at myself.
♫ I know when to shut up + listen.
♫ I honor + respect myself, all peeps + nature.
♫ I don’t chirp about others. I ignore the cluckers. I know that what goes around comes around.
♫ I honor + respect myself, all peeps + nature.
♫ I believe that everything should be enjoyed in moderation, with the exception of shoes.
♫ I mean what I say + say what I mean. I am never, ever a mean chick + I keep my promises.
♫ I dance to my own music. I keep moving, evolving growing. Slow but sure dancing is OK.
♫ I wear sparkles during the day. I share my brilliance with the world in all ways.
♫ I show up my best self, do what’s right + follow my bliss.
♫ I stand tall with confidence, front + center, no matter what others think of my stance, physically or otherwise.
♫ I live my life as an exclamation! not an explanation. I never make excuses for who, what, where I am. Joie de vivre rocks.
The more notes you highlight, the closer you are to being your authentic self—a Concert Chick, whose body+mind+heart+soul harmonize splendiferously. As Otter said in Animal House, “Damn glad to meet you!”
Now that we’re new BFFs, without further ado, let’s join hands and skip into the next chapter, where you’ll receive a strong dose of what’s in store for you, oh fabulous you, and learn all the top (and bottom) secret bits and sound bites of detox glory! The magic potions, elixirs, fairy dust, and transformative powers required are already within you. The Rox Detox will help you access this natural wellspring of sparkly energy. We're here to support you as you embark on this amazing journey. Merci beaucoup for allowing us this honor to share this adventure with you every step of the way.
Go ahead and lace up those awesome Beverly Feldman cheetah print with crystals booties. It's time to take a tour of Rock the World Rehab. Hold on!
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1 Be forewarned. This word and variations thereof are generously sprinkled throughout the pages of this book. You will either love the word, too, or eventually gag every time you see it. While I hope the former, I apologize in advance in case of the latter.
2 For the complete story of Rox, the Original Concert Chick, please visit www.concertchick.com
3 Oui, it should be “cheap,” but Concert Chicks have their own language and “should” doesn’t exist in our playbook. Thus, “cheep” it is. It’s clearly in the spirit of all things chick, non?
The “Rock the World Rehab” Tour
Life’s journey is not to arrive safely at the grave in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, “holy shit…what a ride!” ~Unknown
Have you been playing too hard, exercising hardly, working too much, taking care of yourself too little, or saying yes too often and no not enough? Are know-it-alls, mean chicks, that jerk of a boss, or your so-not-deserving-you boyfriend testing your last nerve? Are your closets crammed, yet you have nothing to wear? Do you show up filled with fear and worry about the small stuff, including the size of your rear? Do you question why you are here? If you answered yes to even one question, then you have come to the right place, dear heart. People, places, and things can really weigh you down. But have no worries, because Rock the World Rehab can really lighten you up—all of you—body+mind+heart+soul. Let’s go!
I wish I could convince you—heck, what am I talking about? I’d love to convince myself!—to buy only organic produce and to never ever allow sugar, saturated fat, white flour, alcohol, and animal products to pass through your M·A·C high-glossed lips, but for the occasional La Crema Pinot Noir and chou à la crème. And how sweet would life be if we had only peaceful thoughts and spoke only pleasant words. What if our minds could stay in the present moment and not constantly flit to and fro to what has already been or to what may come (or not)? What if no one could push our buttons? What if we knew what our purpose was from the day we were born and allowed that divine plan to unfold painlessly and perfectly? What if we always had good hair days?
You can put yourself in the best position to come close and closer to the “what ifs” mentioned above. You do this by purging all the people, places, and things in your life that no longer resonate with who you are today. The Rock the World Rehab adventure is just what the rock doc ordered to show you how.
We’re more aware than ever before of what we need to do to take care of ourselves—eat less, move more, declutter constantly, love and accept all, live purposefully, think positively, talk less, listen more, say “please” and “thank you”, and wear sensible shoes. But there are so many parties to attend with buckets of bubbles and buffets bursting with bacon-wrapped bay scallops on sticks. And how about those total suck days from hell when the only heavenly solace is to wrap yourself in those adorable tattered flannel duckie jammies and cannonball into bed, armed with a bag of Kettle Chips in one hand and a pint of Cherry Garcia in the other, ready to get lost in chick flick space?
Oh yeah, and what’s up with that psycho mean girl parked in a nearby cubicle who spreads vicious rumors about you when she isn’t focused on sticking pins into a voodoo doll’s eyes while chant- ing your name? Of course, at least you know where she’s coming from. Worse are the chicks that won’t stick pins in your eyes but have no problem stabbing a cleaver in your back. Uncorking a bottle of Smoking Loon chardonnay to take the hurt away may seem OK. But there are much healthier ways to handle what’s dumped on you. It ain’t easy being you or anyone else in the world we live in now. And I’m sorry—sometimes (often) nothing else but stilettos will do, so screw that sensible shoes thing. Well, mon petit chou, Rox to the rescue!
You’ve most likely heard of the 12-step program used by Alcoholics Anonymous and other structured support groups. They work. But since we’re Concert Chicks, we’re hardwired to do things differently and prefer to play by our own rules…our own steps (in amazing shoes).
It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don’t break any. ~Mae West
Rock the World Rehab, commonly known and hereinafter referred to as the “Rox Detox,” works a 4-step process: intervention (you do need this!), preparation (get ready to do it!), detoxification (you’re doing it!), and celebration (hooray—you did it!). You’ll go from feat to fête (with awesome shoes on your feet) in just two weeks!
Most detox programs focus on juicing, herbal concoctions, and a colonic or two to downsize and cleanse your butt and gut. And because the mind-body connection has gone mainstream, you may see some oomph in the form of oms and downward dogs. But none promotes a complete release of all that physically and energetically weighs you down the way the Rox Detox does. You are about to embark on a total body+mind+heart+soul purge. Brace yourself and be brave! This is going to be one wild, daring ride.
Why A Stint In Rehab Is Cool + What’s In It For You
Don’t let the r word scare you. Red carpet celebrities do rehab all the time, and since your birthright is to be on that red carpet, get used to it. What should scare the hell out of you is all the toxic crap in, on, and around you and your life that keeps you from be- ing and doing your best. Rehab is nothing more than a chance to restore your body+mind+heart+soul to harmonious health. And then you’ll be working that red carpet for life in rhythm with all that makes you a finely, divinely tuned goddess. How magnifique is that? Très.
You may be thinking, “Yeah, so, what’s in it for me, really? My name isn’t Lindsay.” Ah, there are many bennies that will perk you up. Here are a few to wet your whistle:
1. It ain’t just about the junk in your trunk.
We’re constantly consuming and being consumed by toxins. And not just in the form of sugar, trans fats, food additives, hormones, pesticides, mercury, lead, and other poisons. Toxicity also lurks in our thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and relationships. We can find the big t hanging out with the people we hang out with, in the noise around us, in our office or home environment, in our closets, even under our bed, chillin’ with the boogeyman. There are a lot of psychic and physical toxins out there that clutter, clog, and congest our lives. It’s no wonder that our bodies+minds+hearts+souls are seriously polluted. The Rox Detox is tonic for the toxic.
You can’t do something that helps your body without impact- ing your mind, your heart, and your soul. All aspects of you are deeply connected, so it’s only natural that what benefits or upsets one, benefits or upsets all, as the case may be. For example, you get a call that terribly disturbs you. Your heart is heavy with sadness and you’re also pissed off. You have at least two ways to deal—al- low your feelings to surface and process them, or go numb through “treat therapy.”
The latter is what many administer, believing that inhaling a package of Oreos will transform bitterness into sweetness. And it works. For a moment. With all that sugar, how could you not be buzzing like a bumble bee—or in this case, a numbly bee? You may experience a couple of temporary highs, but also bigger thighs, a soul that no longer flies, and a mind filled with “I’m such a loser” lies. Ouch—that stings! Now you’re in a worse position and may feel even more bummed than right after the call. Think of any scenario and play out the domino effect. This is why all aspects of you deserve equal billing. The Rox Detox embraces every bit of you with tender loving care.
In rehab, you’ll have the chance to explore, experiment, experience, and enjoy various ways to energize your body+mind+heart+soul as a team. And you do this by clearing the junk in your trunk on your body, as well as the trunks in the form of closets, boxes, bags, and drawers filled with material goods, and the imaginary trunks in the attic in your head that store limiting thoughts and feelings and replay the past over and over again. In rehab, you’ll dump the funk from your trunks.
2. You’ll flush out the crap trap so the rock ’n’ roll can flow.
Have you ever felt trapped? Not every relationship—be it work, intimate, friendship, business, whatever—is right for you where you are on your journey today. As soon as you unblock the trap, you’ll start to go with the flow and attract people and situations that resonate with and support you and your dreams. You’ll have room to breathe wholly and bloom fully, something you really can’t do in the midst of weeds.
The primary purpose and focus of the Rox Detox is to let go, let go, let go! And then let go some more. Perk one, described above, addresses the junk attached to your body, on your mind, and in your physical space. If your body+mind+heart+soul is filled to capacity with caca—a toxic wasteland—there’s nowhere for the superior substance to go. We now move into releasing toxic people and situations outside your home—your external trap. You have to clean the external crap out, too, to be completely free.
3. You’ll lose tons of weight.
You can expect to lose up to ten body pounds. Some chicks have lost more, some less. It all depends on how much extra padding you have when you check into rehab and whether you partake in all detox activities. So, oui, you’ll lose weight. But mo’ bigger and better than that, you have the potential to drop thousands of pounds in the form of people, places, and things that add nothing positive to your life. By working the first two perks, you’ll drop weight where it really matters. It’s time to lose what you don’t use and what uses you.
So you see, sweetie, it isn’t all about your ass and thighs. When you Rox Detox, you’ll shed all that weighs you down—people, places, things, thoughts, worries, fears, stuff, blubber—anything and everything that blocks your natural light. The Rox Detox is like a light switch that you flip on to get out of and rid of the dark. When you lighten your load and lighten up, every part of you be- comes brilliant, radiant, and twinkly. Think gazillions of sequins!
And think about rehab as going back into the egg from whence you came. You settle into your comfy nest and allow the magic to happen. When your two-week incubation is up, you’ll move into a vastly different world, braver, stronger, more confident, and with fewer feathers. You’ll break through your shell, slip on a pair of fan- cy shoes, and strut your stuff and not stuff your face, your calendar, your relationships, your closet, your briefcase, and anything else you over-cram. No more stuffing of any kind except for charity invitation envelopes, Thanksgiving birds, and Christmas stockings. You will create space for the miracles that will take place. Pinkie swear promise.
The time is now to release, clean out, finish up, get rid of, resolve, come to terms with, purge, toss, trash, donate, consign, accept, and surrender to make room for the many gifts waiting for you in the wings—a rockin’ body, a joyful heart, a brilliant mind, and a sparkly soul. What are you waiting for?
The Program In An Eggshell
Now that you’re familiar with the basic works and perks of rehab, let’s take a quick lap around the chapters.
Chapter 2 is all about you you you and an attitude adjustment. Chapter 3 walks you through the details of all four steps of the Rox Detox adventure. Next up, catering. Chapter 4 dishes out your re- hab menu. You’ll meet what you’ll eat and, for dessert, learn how to nourish other parts of your divine essence, too. Lots of juicy bits there. Then you’ll flip to Chapter 5 where you’ll be coached on how you’re gonna move it, move it to lose it, lose it. The top (and bottom) secret weapon of ass destruction will be revealed along with some other physical treats that will have you rockin’ your Rock + Republic skinny straight legs straightaway.
Chapter 6 flashes the inner bling thing. We’ll explore ways to stay calm in the middle of chaos, to shine from your center, and to create a buildup of internal sparkles so powerful that you will set the world on fire. Which brings us right to Chapter 7’s outer bling thing boudoir, where we’ll chat about ways to really sparkle, glisten, and glow on the outside. Think scrubs, rubs, tubs, and more! Can you say spaaaaaaahhhhhh? We’ll also tackle tossing stuff that is no longer who you are. You’ll hang out in wardrobe with your stylist, who will show you how to adorn your blingy body with clothes, accessories, makeup, and more glamazon galore. Repeat after me: Shoooooooooooooooes + sparkles.
And. Then. There. Is. Chapter. 8. A very important chapter! For it is here that you will pick up the extra-strength prescription to help you cope with all sorts of dope and mope. The downers that tarnish your twinkle, stain your sparkle, glum your glitter, and otherwise weigh you down, dim your light, drain your energy, and burn you out. With the “Detox ‘Tool’ Box” you’ll find here, you’ll be able to repel even the most toxic peeps (a.k.a. “tools”). And like a crescendo reaching its climax, the red carpet rolls out in Chapter 9. After your Rox Detox, you’ll be a brand- new you for your debut. A très cool celebration of vous!
After your fête, we’ll reconvene the next day in Chapter 10 for a little after-party. We’ll gab about your rehab and debut experiences. You’ll decide what to keep, to toss, to do next. The last chapter—11—is your gateway to a life on the red carpet. Always and forever. And just like most super soirées, there’s a goodie bag for you to take home after the tour wraps up. Swag, bébé! You have an exclusive invitation to visit the VIP (Very Important Peep) Swag Lounge and help yourself 24/7 to the goodies in this treasure chest of a place to enjoy in rehab and beyond.
Are you excited or what? Me too. But there’s one very important fact that you must acknowledge and accept before we move ahead:
Holy Wow, You Are Absolutely Perfect Right Now!
Yes, right now. You are gorgeous and alive and breathing and have much to offer this universe as you sit there on your perch at this very moment, even if you think you have big roaster thighs, a plump rump, and flappy wings. Even if your life is overextended and overstuffed in all ways. Even if your BFF isn’t. From this day forward, there will be no more chickenshit thinking! It’s time for a “this chick is it!” mindset. Because knowing that no matter what— no matter how big your body, how mumbled your mind, how heavy your heart, how sullied your soul—your birthright is beauty, bliss, brilliance, health, happiness, and joy—all of which adds up to the red carpet. At this very moment, you are divine and perfect by design (hereinafter “i rock”).
Yeah, there’s some tough love in rehab, but it’s unconditional and doled out with great respect. It’s absolutely essential for your happiness and health to unequivocally believe what I’m telling you. Rehab is the place to face the truth—the good, the bad, and the ugly. The one truth that is being revealed to you at this time is absolute. You are amazing!
So say “i rock!” three times as if you really mean it. Better yet, sing it at the top of your lungs while shaking your tail feathers a bit (OK, a lot!)
Oh. Yes. You. Do! Copy this declaration many times and place it where you’ll see it often—in your office, home, closet, car, wallet, handbag, locker, everywhere and anywhere to remind yourself that you really are beyond fabulous even if you throw this book away without turning to the next page. (But really, why would you want to toss the book? It was written just for you!)
Now that the tour of what’s in store is officially over, it’s time for an attitude adjustment. Shall we? I promise that it won’t hurt—much.
Chapter 2
Get Your Attitude Adjustment Here
Outer changes always begin with an inner change of attitude. ~Albert Einstein
In earlier drafts of this book, this chapter appeared somewhere in the middle. As time went by, it found itself in the starting lineup because the message really is the foundation from which all Concert Chick happiness hatches. If you accept and practice the wisdom of this chapter, you’ll be in the best position to repel a relapse while in rehab or beyond. That’s why an attitude adjustment at the get-go makes perfect sense. By the time you reach the gateway unlocked in Chapter 11, you’ll return to where you began, only better, with the “this chick is it” mindset permanently installed.
Let’s get one thing clear. This adjustment doesn’t create an attitude in the common negative connotation of the word. It’s not about “being all that.” The attitude here isn’t copped, it’s embraced. It’s a way of showing up à la Concert Chick. It’s more of an aura of authenticity. Let’s call it “chickatude.” The concept came to me over a pile of cheese. Huh?
Some years ago, I was asked to speak at a ceremony for college students graduating with honors. The gist of what was to be presented was given to me beforehand; all I had to do was run with it. And run with it I did—far away from it, actually. My husband, Joe, and I stopped at a Waffle House on our way to the ceremony (quit chuckling, it was close and convenient). It was here that I was served up an “aha! moment” along with my “smothered and covered (cheese!)” hash browns (sometimes you just gotta go there!). I decided to scrap the original text of my “speech” for something really original. I decided to hand back the expected and hand over the keys to being happy that have been on my key ring for a very long time (though I do admit to misplacing them during that period mentioned during our meet + greet).
Four and a half paper napkins filled with scribble later, I had the message. The one that would speak to the essence of who the students were and not to what they “should be” according to others. I knew I was onto something when a few stoic professors each gave me a thumbs-up as I returned to my seat on the stage and later when students and their parents thanked me during the reception that followed. Being real rocks!
And so do you! I now hand over these three sacred keys that will open the chest containing your body+mind+heart+soul treasures:
Be Yourself. Follow Your Bliss. Do What’s Right.
You may be thinking, “whoop-de-doo, heard those clichés before, tell me no more.” But have you ever given any real thought to the meaning behind each? Let’s look at “be yourself.” You’d think that being you is a no-brainer, because who else could you be? Truth is, most of us are or were what everyone else wanted or expected us to be.
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying “amen” to what the world tells you you ought to prefer is to keep your soul alive.4 ~Robert Louis Stevenson
And forget about our dreams, if we even dare have them. How selfish and trivial when there are bills to pay and so many to-dos on our lists. Piss on bliss! And then we have to do what’s right while we’re being stabbed in the back by a “friend” or otherwise so stretched to the max that even if you did want to help someone else, there’s no time or room on your plate? Screw that. Besides, isn’t it each man for himself anyway in this dog-eat-dog world we live in? Yikes. One attitude adjustment coming up!
Key 1: Be Yourself
Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. ~Oscar Wilde
Your light is always present, although it’s prone to dimming and burnout. Confidence is your best defense. Do you believe you matter? Do you believe that you are enough? Do you believe that you make a difference? Do you believe that because of you, the world is a better place? If you answered yes to all these questions, you are one confident chick and I’m applauding you wholeheartedly. If you’re like most of us at one time or another and thought, “yeah, right,” read on.
He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. ~Raymond Hull
Whatever you are, be a good one. ~Abe Lincoln
Even if you’re squeezing into 14s while all those beautiful 10s hang in your closet tormenting you; even if you seek solace in sweets when things don’t work out as you planned; even if you still have thoughts of revenge when Ms. Venom casts her web (again!); and, yes, even if you have no idea what you what to do when you grow up, show up as if you’re already a size-10-wearing, healthy nonreactor able to fend off toxic everything with a single glance, knowing that you are here to do something gloriously significant with your unique talents. Walk tall, on purpose, with chickatude and a twinkle in your eye. “Act as if” and your light will be glowing brightly in a jiff.
Aspire to show up the same no matter where you are. Your authentic self doesn’t wear different masks, summon other personalities, or change voices depending on the audience. I know some- one who alternates between being a total bitch and a sweet chick. I never knew which one was going to show up for dinner. So today I opt to not sit at the same table, if you know what I mean. Sure, our moods can change depending on the circumstances, and we play many roles that require minor tweaks, such as not letting our hair down at a client meeting in the same manner we would if we were in a local pub with our pals pounding pints. What I’m getting at is complete personality conversions to and fro. Some people you simply must let go of before they go off on you yet again.
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else
~Judy Garland
Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you also have an obligation to be one. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
As human beings, we innately desire, whether we admit it or not, to be appreciated, loved, and respected. We want people to like us, to have them see the good in us. But we must do and see it first. The official stamp of approval ultimately can come only from you. If you seek validation from the outside, you will singlehandedly drain your life force quicker than any of the mopes and dopes you’ll meet (though I suspect that you already know most of them) in Chapter 8. First and foremost, you must believe that you matter. That you are enough. That you don’t have anything to prove to anyone. You must master self-approval, because in the end, frankly chicklet, those people do not give a damn about you. OK, that was harsh, but many folks are only out for themselves. Even if all loved all unconditionally and every beauty pageant contestant’s wish for world peace came true, you still must know deep down inside that you are an amazing person.
Here’s an experience I had when Rock the World Rehab was going to press that the “be yourself” key fit into nicely. And it just so happened to unlock a bit more for me on this topic. Geez, just when you think you have it all figured out. Anyhow, someone I hold in high regard suggested that people would think I’m a flake in the context of my day job after they read this book. When I asked him what a flake meant to him, he gestured with a fluttering movement like a butterfly, “you know, out there.” Another friend heard this and fine-tuned it to mean “free spirited”. That’s me for sure. But being the word freak that I am, I had to know exactly how the experts defined a flake to make an educated decision on whether to accept or reject it. Here’s the gist of the word as it applies to name-calling: a flake is a person with an odd personality; an unusual person; a whimsically eccentric person 5.
Okay, so I did admit in our meet + greet to wearing tutus and tiaras and to not only believing in Santa Claus but to actually send- ing a “Dear Santa” letter every year for most of my 50 years. And yes, I use the word sparkle. A lot. And I smile. A lot. And I can’t imagine life without glitter. Not even for one day. And don’t get me started on my obsession with the search for the perfect shade of red nail lacquer. It must be out there somewhere.
But just because I’m all of the above plus have been blessed with an overactive creative imagination that needs more than the thrill of contract and ordinance drafting, and just because I wear metallic trimmed sweater sets and chandelier earrings to—shudder—the office 6, doesn’t mean that my left brain hibernates while my right brain creates. Au contraire. Some of us (like you I suspect) do have it all going on, which I suppose does make us unusual and odd, eccentric even.
So it turns out that I am indeed a flake, and a fabulous one at that. I mean, come on. Who wants to be usual these days? What is normal? I don’t fit into the classic stereotype of the person one would think should hold my job 7. Whew. And I don’t do a darn thing to change that perception. I suppose I could cut my hair into a professional bob or at least twist it into a tight bun. I could smile less and snarl more. I could trade my fabulous Jimmy Choo wedges for some (no offense, just not me) Naturalizers. I’d rather poke my eyes out with pencils. Okay, not really because my eyesight is very important to me—how else am I to spot a shoe sale a mile away? See? I just can’t help myself.
I should be bragging about how I graduated from high school on my 16th birthday and how I entered college shortly thereafter while working almost full-time and taking care of my father and four younger brothers. I could boast about making mostly straight A’s and being disruptively bored out of my mind in middle school, so much so that I had a “use anytime” art pass that I flashed to my teachers to get me out of class and into the closet the art instructor allowed me to convert into my own little studio where I created coverings for every bulletin board in the build- ing. I also worked full-time while going to law school contrary to the strong suggestion that students not work at least during their first year. Another thing that comes to mind is my fear- less business acumen. Every morning before school my mother would drop me off to open our family business, a laundromat. I had no idea where she was off to at the time, and even though I do now, I’ll leave that story for another day. What’s pertinent is that I was there, setting up shop, washing, drying, folding, and wrapping the drop off service, running the dry cleaner machines, removing the change, readying the bank deposit, filling the vend- ing machines, and dealing with customers—many pleasant, some not. After school I did the same thing, at times closing the joint. Did I mention that I did this while I was in middle school? Yep, I’m a flake.
With me, what you see is what you get. I suppose I could play the part and look smart though I prefer to play real me and just be smart. In other words, I’ll take flake over fake any day!
The person who is never criticized is not breathing. ~Vern McLellan
Some folks will love the watercolor abstract you created; others will hate it. All that matters is that you believe your work is a masterpiece. You can’t go from “wow, I’m great!” when someone tells you your painting is brilliant to “geez, I suck” when someone two minutes later takes a peek and slams your art. It’s the old love vanilla, hate vanilla, gimme chocolate thing. Tastes differ. Simply shrug your shoulders and smile, knowing that you’ve got talent and everyone has an opinion.
I tell myself to “make today my masterpiece!” Whether I am in a personal interaction or project or at work, I always ask—is this the absolute best I can do? ~ Marcelle Miller, acupuncture physician