Wisdom for Women of Worth and Worship
Natalie A. Francisco, Ed.D.
Published by St. Paul Press at Smashwords
Copyright 2010 Natalie A. Francisco
ISBN 978-1-4524-4380-5
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of Natalie A. Francisco.
Acknowledgements
First, I’d like to thank God without whom this book would have been improbable to write and my life impossible to live. He means more to me than words could ever express, and He is the reason why I am who I am and can do what He alone has commissioned me to do. Thank you, Abba Father, for extending Your love, salvation, anointing, favor, and grace to me even as a little girl...and I will treasure it forever.
Out of all the endeavors that I have been blessed to undertake, the single greatest accomplishment of my entire life would be that of my first ministry which is my home, out of which came my three gorgeous, gifted, and gregarious daughters. No mother could be prouder, and I do not regret one teaching moment, object lesson, and discipline session or mother-daughter day spent with you. All that I have sacrificed and continue to strive toward is for the purpose of leaving a legacy for you. I love you unconditionally Nicole, Lesley, and Lauren, and I thank you for choosing to serve the Lord and honor your parents along the way so that you can live long, happy, and blessed lives.
To my husband, Leslie, who has been a friend, lover, and phenomenal father to our girls and a gift to me in a myriad of ways—I say thank you. Thank you for unconditionally loving, pushing, and prodding me to do things even beyond what I thought I could do to bring out the best in me. Thank you for being an excellent provider even when times were extremely difficult within and without as we both trusted God as our Source. Thank you for being consistently dependable and even-keeled in your temperament and disposition (even when I didn’t want to be). Thank you for loving and respecting your mother so that you would know how to love and respect me. And thank you for being my bishop, pastor, mentor, and employer for these many years … and we’re still married! I love you beyond time and space and into eternity.
I express my gratitude to all who prayed for, supported, encouraged, inspired and even challenged me. A special thank you goes to Marvin Sapp. I am “stronger, wiser and better” because of: my family; close friends and prayer partners (and you know who you are); Calvary family; and especially my parents, Claude and Mildred Gatling (2003, 1994); my father-in-law and former pastor, Bishop Leslie W. Francisco (1992); my brother-in-law, Pastor Steven H. Francisco (2004). You are all included now in that great cloud of heavenly witnesses. And to my precious and wise mother-in-law, Naomi R. Francisco.
Finally, I will always have a special place in my heart for the lady pastors and women of the churches under the covering of Calvary Covenant Ministries, Inc., and women from many other churches and walks of life, who were integral in the success of this book as it was used as the curriculum guide for my Women of Worth & Worship Institute (WOWWI) sessions. Many from across the United States and around the world have experienced spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, financial, and social growth as a result of enrolling in my onsite and online classes, and testimonies continue to abound. You and women like you inspire me to continue on my journey of “Personally Mentoring Women of Worth & Worship for Kingdom Living & Giving.”
Foreword
Introduction
Chapter 1
God Chose Me Before I Chose Him
Chapter 2
Marriage Is Hard Work
Chapter 3
Blow the Horn for My Firstborn!
Chapter 4
Leadership is a Serious, Surreal Responsibility
Chapter 5
From the Frying Pan into the Fire
Chapter 6
Pain is an Integral Part of the Process & Progress of Life
Chapter 7
It’s a Fact: Life is a Balancing Act
Chapter 8
Women of Worth & Worship are Women with Purpose & Passion
Appendices:
My Prayer for Every Woman of Worth & Worship
Woman of Worth (Poetic Prose)
FOREWORD
by Author, Speaker, Singer & Television Personality
Michelle McKinney Hammond
It has been said in order to be great one should surround themselves with greatness. Or as I would rather put it: “If you want to be successful you should walk with those who have already accomplished what you are trying to achieve.” That is why I am so excited about this offering from my dear friend, Natalie Francisco.
Here is a woman who is doing more than talking the talk. She is truly walking the walk. And that walk is reflected brilliantly in the life of her family: her husband is known in the gates and respected; her children rise up and not only call her blessed but bless her in return by living lives that glorify God and are a tribute to her as a mother. Has she earned the right to pen Wisdom for Women…? Indeed she has! Natalie has been a student first and a fine one at that. She has mastered the art of being a woman according to God’s design, an amazing friend, a wife who is a true “help meet,” and a mother who has guided her daughters toward their destiny effectively…whew!
If you’re thinking to yourself: This is the type of woman I want to be, then this book is for you. Natalie shares not only from her heart and her experiences but also from the sound principles of God’s Word, which will never lead you wrong. Warm, funny, personal and transparent—she will connect with you where you live. You will not only see her wisdom, but you will also see yourself and the things you can glean from what she shares.
In a time when many have abandoned the call to “teach the younger women…” Natalie Francisco emerges as a true Titus woman. As a modern day Proverbs 31 woman, she proves we can all be the women God created us to be if we are armed with the right truths to work with. So take the time to read, to absorb, and then apply these rich lessons to your own life. But don’t just stop there. Share the wealth with others. Wisdom for Women of Worth and Worship is a jewel of a book that has the potential to change the world one home at a time.
Michelle McKinney Hammond
President and Founder
HeartWing Ministries
INTRODUCTION
I once read the following quote from German-born American Physicist Albert Einstein: “The life of the individual only has meaning insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful. Life is sacred, that is to say, it is the supreme value to which all other values are subordinate.” Now I don’t know whether or not Einstein was a Christian, but I did recognize the biblical truth that was encapsulated in his statement of the value and sanctity of human life and the indelible mark that each person is capable of making upon the life of another and the world. In fact, that is why God created mankind from the beginning.
As I reflected upon the creation of man in Genesis 1:26-28, it further reiterated the truth of Einstein’s statement. God created both male and female in His own image and likeness, and afterward blessed them both with the capacity to be fruitful and to multiply. In other words, we not only were given the mandate from God to bear fruit, but to do so as He did by reproducing after our own kind. This not only referred to procreation as many have believed and taught, but I believe it also included our life’s purpose as well. Each of us was (and is) commissioned to impart what we have learned into others so that their lives are “nobler and more beautiful” simply because they happened to be in our sphere of influence.
A woman has the power to influence others to a greater extent than man because of the way we were designed by our Creator. According to Genesis 2:18-24, woman was created to be a helpmeet to man. Consequently, she is flexible, adaptable, and comparable to man in any and every way that is needed. In fact, she has so much influence and value that she can cause a man to leave his father and mother in order to become joined to her in marriage and to receive everything he previously lacked in the person of a capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman. Such a woman is indeed full of value, virtue, and victory, whether she is single or married!
The New King James Version of Psalm 139:13-18 below emphasizes the very fact that God created male and female and instilled in us a sense of worth before birth. David lets us know God’s perfect knowledge of who He created us to be so that we can value what God values:
“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.”
I encourage us as women to hold our heads up, push our shoulders back, and walk in God’s confidence recognizing that we are indeed His gift to this world. We are called to impact and impart into others the knowledge of Who our Creator is and who we are as His daughters. We are God’s chosen, royal, holy, special, and peculiar people according to I Peter 2:9 … peculiar on purpose because, as my husband says, “no one can do what we can do quite like us but us.”
While reading this book and completing the Moments of Meditation exercises, my sincere hope is that: your God-given dreams that are aligned with your purpose will re-surface, your prayer life will be strengthened, and you will be transformed by the lessons and biblical principles that I’ve shared as you put them into practice. Most importantly, to do all of this, requires your permission and participation in partnership with God. I pray that you would commit your life to loving and serving Him as well as others. I am not speaking of having a religious experience, but rather the realization and restoration of a real relationship between you and your Creator that is available through the work of the Cross as a result of Jesus Christ’s death, burial and resurrection (John 3:16-17; Romans 3:21-26; 5:8; 6:23; & 10:8-13). If you desire to be a Christian, or to embark upon an even greater journey as you represent a Christ-like witness and lifestyle, then I invite you to pray this prayer:
Dear Father,
I thank You for loving and valuing me by instilling a sense of purpose and worth within me before I even knew You or accepted You as my personal Lord and Savior. I pray now that You would forgive me for the things I’ve said, done, and thought that were contrary to Your Holy Word and will for my life. I confess my sins to You, and I believe that they will be removed from me as far as the east is from the west, never to be remembered against me again.
I believe that Your Son, Jesus, was sent to earth to be born, to live, and to be crucified on the Cross as He carried the sins of the entire world. I believe that You raised Jesus from the dead on the third day, and that the same power that caused Him to be resurrected is the same power that will now come to dwell in me, cleanse my heart, and teach me about Jesus. I also believe that this same Power will bring all things back to my remembrance that I study, hear and learn, and commit to reading my Bible and finding and being actively involved in a place of worship where I can understand what is preached and taught by spiritual leaders with wisdom and integrity.
I also forgive those who have sinned against me by their negative words and wrongful actions, and pray that all bitterness, resentment, and vindication would be erased so that my heart will be pure and free to worship You in spirit and in truth. I honor You God, and ask that You reveal to me the gifts, talents, and abilities that are uniquely mine and in alignment with the purpose for which You created me. Teach me how to live for You each day so that I can be righteous (in right standing) in Your sight and a beacon of light to those around me, for I now know that I am blessed in order to bless others. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
I trust that you will take the time to relentlessly relish the wonders of God’s creative work in you and decide to leave an indelible mark upon this world by purposefully pursuing your purpose, being the very best that you can be, and daring to delve into your destiny as guided by God our Creator. As Einstein said, “The life of the individual only has meaning insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful.”
I challenge you to make an effort to mentor someone in your circle of influence by reminding her of her innate worth before birth. If this book is a blessing to you, please consider purchasing it for a friend and sharing with her how this resource can also serve as a catalyst to catapult her into a greater awareness of self-worth and abundant living. Wisdom for Women of Worth and Worship also serves as an excellent curriculum guide for small group study, women’s reading clubs and church Bible study or fellowship groups. Moreover, I encourage you and other women in your circle of influence to register to attend my annual Women of Worth & Worship Conference held the second weekend of October in Hampton, VA, as well as to enroll in my Women of Worth & Worship Institute (WOWWI) either onsite or online. For more information, log on to my personal website at: www.nataliefrancisco.com, our church website at: www.calvarycommunity.org, or call 757-825-1133 ext. 209 to inquire about the WOWW conference, WOWWI sessions and retreats, or to invite me to be a speaker or facilitator for a conference, church, community, or corporate event.
Thank you in advance for making an incredible investment in yourself by purchasing and reading this book, which is the embodiment of forty-four years of my life. You will never be forgotten and are now inextricably engraved, not only upon the palm of God’s hand (Isaiah 49:15-16), but you are also indelibly imprinted upon my mind and heart, and therefore, in my thoughts and prayers because you have joined my sphere of influence as a woman of worth and worship. Welcome!
Chapter One
God Chose Me Before I Chose Him
There comes a time when it is necessary to ponder the pivotal years and people who helped shape the character, nature and even the direction that has propelled one towards a particular vocation in life. A vocation differs significantly from an occupation in that it carries with it a sense of urgency to fulfill a mandate or purpose predestined by God as opposed to a profession or employment needed merely for the sake of receiving a paycheck to satisfy financial obligations. There is something uniquely special about pursuing a life of purpose that allows one to be enlightened, empowered, and energized as natural and spiritual gifts, talents and abilities are passionately engaged daily, especially for a cause greater than oneself.
Some people instinctively know what their vocation should be and focus upon the path that leads them there, whereas others are in search not only of their purpose in life, but also of themselves. The fact of the matter is, one can have an epiphany at any age to examine life and whether or not it is pleasing to God, oneself and others. It may be helpful to ask: Have other people, situations and priorities caused a detour from the road on which God originally planned for me to travel? What evidence in my life suggests that I am doing what I was created to do, or that I need to make needed adjustments to get back on course?
My “aha” moment happened when I turned forty years old. For some reason, a panoramic view of my entire life flashed across my mind and lingered off and on for about three years. During that time, several events occurred which would expand my worldview as well as push me from my comfort zone back in time to recapture the very lessons I learned from the triumphs and tragedies in my life so that those same principles could be shared with countless women from every age and stage of life.
My Early Childhood Years
The earliest recollection I have of who God was came as a result of my mother and father taking me to church, Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. I was amazed at the way the choir sung and the musicians played, and as a result I asked my mother if I could learn how to play the piano when I was five years old, and the desire to do so was so strong that it spilled over into my childhood dreams. Being the supportive and protective mother that she was, the plan was only agreed to if my older sister Renee` would take piano lessons with me. Looking back, I believed I learned something very important:
Lesson 1: Purpose often unfolds as a result of our childhood dreams.
Proverbs 22:6:
“Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.”
My childhood dreams were put on hold because my mother, who provided transportation for Renee` and me to and from our piano lessons, was involved in an accident. The car was a total loss but my mother walked away without a scratch!
Lesson 2: God-given purpose is attached to the thing we desire to do, and although what we desire to do may be delayed, it shall come to pass.
Proverbs 13:12:
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.”
Beginning Puberty
The age of twelve was really a pivotal year in my life. My visitor came … you know … the one that comes every month! The other important thing that occurred in my life at this age is when my mother made a major decision to leave our Baptist church where I had been baptized at the age of eight to go to Calvary Mennonite Church in Newport News — a church and denomination I had never heard of before. The church held crusade meetings under a huge tent in the neighboring city of Hampton around the corner from our house. My mother, younger brother, Greg, and I went because of my sister Renee` who was invited there by her best friend, Veronda. This was the very first tent meeting I had ever experienced with real sawdust on the ground, long wooden benches, fire and brimstone preaching, healing and deliverance. Renee` got saved there at the age of 17, and we ended up becoming members of the church as a result of attending the tent meetings for the rest of the week. Renee` was ecstatic because her best friend was there. (Well, praise God for her, I thought, but where did that leave me?)
I found out later that my mother and the pastor’s wife (Mother Naomi) were old friends who happened to become the best of friends. Before I was born, Mom would take my oldest brother and sister, Claude Jr., and Belinda, to Vacation Bible School at their church when they were younger. Later, because of their relationship, Mom would often tell Mother Naomi, “If I hadn’t birthed Nat in the world, I would have thought she was yours!” Needless to say, our families grew close, and I ended up calling her Aunt Neemi, her husband (Reverend Leslie Francisco) Uncle Leslie, and their sons my cousins. (I had a lot to explain later because I ended up marrying their oldest son!)
The only thing I disliked about the church then was that they had no music department like I was used to at my previous Baptist church...no musicians (except for an older Caucasian lady who played hymns on the organ), no choir that could sing with any harmony...no drums or bass guitar...and seemingly, no rhythm! I thanked God that the preacher could really preach and that the Word was making a difference in our lives!
Lesson 3: We are propelled into our purpose when we see a great need and sense a pressing desire to fill it that will not go away.
Proverbs 19:21:
“There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the Lord’s counsel—that will stand.”
One day, I had a very strong urge to ask Uncle Leslie (my pastor then) to anoint my hands so that I could be able to play the piano, without knowing hardly anything about the anointing. I just knew that since the age of five, I wanted to play and sing, and that desire never went away even when I could no longer take piano lessons. I soon became known as “Calvary’s Sweetheart” (singing solos, duets with my sister, playing for, teaching harmony to and directing the choirs, learning music to teach it to the band, etc.), which didn’t sit well with a lot of other young people.
Lesson 4: We learn who our true friends are during times of triumph, not tragedy.
Proverbs 18:24:
“A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
Lesson 5: Standing alone with God, even in the midst of adversity and jubilation, builds character within us and prepares us to deal with pain in the future without giving in to it.
Proverbs 27:4:
“Wrath is cruel and anger a torrent, But who is able to stand before jealousy?”
I was popular in school because I was nice to everyone and won many academic and musical awards. While many were succumbing to the ills of peer pressure (although I wasn’t perfect either—but that’s another story), I was preoccupied with teaching Vacation Bible School at twelve, Sunday School during my teen years, and coming up with themes for my mother’s bulletin boards; drawing, cutting out and laminating characters and letters for my mom’s classroom and her teaching buddies; and grading papers at Booker Elementary School where she taught third grade. I had more of an affinity toward administrative processes and music because my mom went to work when I was four. That’s why my sisters, Belinda and Renee` got the cooking and sewing lessons and I didn’t!
My Late Teen Years
Leslie, Steven and Myron (then referred to as cousins) would often take my sister Renee` and me to dinner and/or the movies. I remember Renee` teaching me how to drive when I got my learner’s permit, and when no one could take me to the Division of Motor Vehicles to get my license, I called my cousin, Leslie, to do it. I would call and ask if he would go with me to football games at Phoebus High School because I was asked to sing the National Anthem and he went along joyfully as I introduced him to everyone as my cousin. He went from being my cousin to being my best friend and then, out of the blue, during football season of my senior year, something happened. What in the world was this new feeling of butterflies in my stomach, and why was he staring at me now as though he was looking into my soul? I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, but he soon became one. I wasn’t looking to be engaged at age eighteen during my senior year on Tuesday, February 8, 1983 (although I hid the ring in a shoe box on the shelf in my bedroom closet for months before he got up enough nerve to ask my father for my hand in marriage and I got up enough nerve to let him). As Ricky Ricardo would say to Lucille Ball on the “I Love Lucy” show, I felt my friends and family would say to me, “You got a lot of ‘splaining to do!”
Lesson 6: God’s daughters will never go on the hunt in search for a man just to have a boyfriend or a husband. A real man after God’s own heart will search for and find his bride.
Proverbs 18:22:
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.”
Leslie finally got up enough nerve to ask my father for my hand in marriage, and my father, sitting in his chair in the living room, said, yes, after sighing rather heavily many times and asking Leslie to promise him that I would finish college. He promised, and so our engagement became official.
I graduated from high school in June of 1983 and for the next month and a half Leslie and I went back and forth as to when we would and should get married. We didn’t want a large wedding, and we didn’t want to wait forever, so we toyed with the idea of going to the Justice of the Peace instead of creating a whole lot of hoopla with planning a huge event. We drove to the courthouse a few times … first I would chicken out … he would change his mind … I said I would go and get the necessary paper work for us to get married, but I chickened out again and ended up registering to vote instead! After enough times, we both were on one accord and decided to secretly elope on July 27, 1983. After we were married, we both went home to our respective families because we didn’t quite know how to tell our parents. That charade didn’t last long (as you can imagine). To appease them (especially my mother) we had a full-blown wedding and reception at our church in Newport News on October 2, 1983.
Married Life
A time of growing with, learning from and accepting each other for better or worse … richer or poorer … in sickness and in health … so long as we both shall live. (Now that is real commitment.)
Lesson 7: Never make a vow that you don’t intend from the beginning to keep.
“Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned.”— Peter Marshall
Numbers 30:2:
“If a man makes a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.”
Deuteronomy 23:21-23:
“When you make a vow to the Lord your God, you shall not delay to pay it; for the Lord your God will surely require it of you, and it would be sin to you. But if you abstain from vowing, it shall not be sin to you. That which has gone from your lips you shall keep and perform, for you voluntarily vowed to the Lord your God what you have promised with your mouth.”
Ruth 1:16-17:
“But Ruth said: ‘Entreat me not to leave you, Or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, And there will I be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, If anything but death parts you and me.’”
Moments of Meditation (Just for Your Journal)
Think back to your childhood. What is your fondest memory of the dream(s) you had regarding something you really wanted to do or the person you really wanted to become? Did that dream ever go away for a time? Why or why not?
What can you derive from your dream(s) that is or should be aligned with God’s purpose for your life?
Ponder the times in your early childhood, elementary and teen years. What significant events happened (positive and/or negative) that shaped you into the woman you are today? Who were your character builders?
Vows are made between husbands and wives, parents and children, co-workers and friends every day. Have you recently made a vow or promise that you have broken? If so, what was it and what do you need to do in order to honor God and keep it?
Prayer Requests (Journal Jotting)
I John 5:14-15: “Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us, And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.”
Jot down a list of prayer requests in your journal that focuses around the lessons you learned from Chapter One. Include these requests in your daily prayer time and thank God for hearing and answering them according to His plan and timing for your life.
Answered Prayer (Joy Jotting)
Expect to receive an answer from God regarding your needs and desires that are in agreement with His will according to I John 5:14-15. Learn to look for, expect and live a miracle everyday. Take the time during your journaling to jot down every miracle (answered prayer) and remember to rejoice in and thank God for Who He is, not just for what He will do or has done.
Question Session (What do women really want to know?)
1. How do I discover my personal gifts and talents that God has purposed for me?
a. Think about and write down the things you like to do that are easy for you and difficult for others to accomplish. Assess whether or not you are currently using these gifts and talents and ask God to show you how and where you can use them more in order to be fulfilled.
b. In order to find out what your motivation/spiritual gifts are, visit www.gifttest.org and complete the Motivational Gifts Survey online.
2. How do I discern the voice of God and distinguish His voice from my desires to understand and operate in His purpose for my life?
a. God speaks to us in many ways, most often through His Word, prayer, meditation, dreams (often needing interpretation), visions (more literal), His Holy Spirit speaking to and through our conscience/inner spirit, God-given pastoral leadership, and other people. Usually, He will speak to us first and confirm what we already know or should do by using other people or circumstances to get our attention (especially if we are out of His divine will).
b. God’s purpose for our lives will seek to glorify Him first and bless the lives of others. Our plan, although it may be a good one, sometimes is not God’s best for us, especially if our plan seeks to meet a personal need to appease our flesh or ego first (trying to satisfy the desire to be more, do more, have more for the wrong reasons) instead of pleasing God.
c. We can know God’s voice because He will not lead us into making decisions that are detrimental to ourselves, others or most importantly, His plan for our lives. We can know His purpose or plan for us by spending time in prayer, reading His Word, evaluating and focusing on our strengths (choosing to utilize our dominant gifts and abilities) rather than our weaknesses and receiving godly counsel from others whom we respect. (Never ask counsel from someone who does not practice what he or she preaches!)
3. How do I increase my prayer life so that I am not saying the same prayer every time I pray?
a. Increasing our prayer life so that we pray longer does not mean that our prayers are more effective or that God is pleased. (Read Matthew 23:14 and Luke 18:9-14). God looks at the motives of our heart, which determine the words that proceed from our lips while praying.
b. Instead of verbalizing your prayers, use your journal sometimes to write down your prayers. Sometimes the inner cries of our hearts are best expressed on paper.
c. Make a New Life Print booklet filled with prayers and affirmations for family, other relationships, career goals, health needs, personality adjustments, finances, and miscellaneous items such as: vacation destinations, special projects, future businesses or property purchases, etc. Read From the Poorhouse to the Penthouse by Kay Haugen.
d. Write down Bible verses to quote and memorize during your prayer times that will minister to you and fit your situation. (Use the Bible Concordance to look up topics or words that are applicable.)
e. Choose to do a prayer walk around the neighborhood, on your treadmill looking out of the window, or at a fitness center, and pray for people you see or situations you discern as you walk. Praying for others keeps our minds off of our circumstances and ourselves.
4. How can I serve God in a more meaningful and tangible way in order to develop a more intimate relationship with Him?
a. Seek God for ways to answer your personal requests. (Matthew 7:7-11: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you…”)
b. Find a need in a person’s life or in the church as God leads you, and fill it by volunteering to use your gifts and talents as an offering of obedience to the Lord.
c. Seek to win a soul to Christ (an unsaved loved one, friend, or neighbor) by your lifestyle witness and casual conversation.
5. How can I be patient in my waiting place or process time until God moves for me?
a. Learn to speak only positive rather than negative or murmuring words. If you catch yourself complaining or becoming impatient, repent and ask God to help you to walk in and exhibit the fruit of the Spirit in your life. Do not ask Him for more patience. (James 1:2-4: “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”)
b. Accept the lessons that God is teaching you through your circumstances and learn from them as well as your mistakes so that you won’t repeat them.
c. Allow God to perfect, mature, sharpen, and equip you with whatever you need before you can go to the next place or level in your life. Life itself is a process.
6. How can I maintain focus and be consistent when all around me seems to be falling apart?
a. Sometimes we can have a glossy view of what Christianity really is, almost as if living daily for Christ is like being at Disney World. We must trade in our rose-colored glasses for life’s lenses with reality rims.
b. Choose to focus on God rather than on disappointments and know that His Word is our solace in the midst of every challenge and difficulty we face. (I Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”)
7. When do I hold on to something and when should I let it go, especially when it relates to what I dreamed as a child of what I wanted to become when I grew up?
a. If the insatiable desire to become something great or to do something special never left our heart or mind’s eye since childhood, then God more than likely gave us that innate desire in order to accomplish His purpose for our lives. We can hold on to and pursue it if it is believable, achievable, and realistic given our natural abilities and talents, present or available resources as well as where we are and what responsibilities we currently have in life’s journey. We need to ask and answer the following questions:
What changes will need to be made if my current path is not aligned with who I wanted to become or what I wanted to do?
Will these changes help or hinder me and those closest to me
Can I afford to make these changes without suffering tremendous loss spiritually, financially, physically, emotionally and socially, and is it wise for me to take this risk?
Is what I wanted to become when I was a child someone else’s idea and desire for me (a good plan that may bring frustration and fatigue), or was it to be my destiny (God’s plan that will bring fruitfulness and fulfillment)?
b. If our present state causes us much fatigue and frustration without any sense of self-fulfillment or joy, then it is time to allow ourselves to dream again and pursue God’s purpose and destiny for the next season of life’s journey, especially if we can make the necessary, realistic adjustments without causing irreparable harm to others and ourselves.
c. If the changes we need to make will hinder us or those closest to us, or if we will suffer tremendous loss, or if the dream we had was impressed upon us by someone else and is unrealistic and unachievable at this point in our lives based on our natural talents and available resources, then it is time to let the dream go.
8. How can I understand the difference between perfectionism and a spirit of excellence? How can I release the tiring, sometimes frustrating and stressful perfectionist tendencies so that I can successfully function in a balanced, excellent way and still enjoy each of my roles in life?
a. Perfection is unattainable in the flesh and in this life. God alone is perfect, and we are made perfect (complete, mature, righteous, holy) in and by Him. A perfectionist is often frustrated because he or she has the illusion that the world, people in it and how things should be done should be error free. This puts undue stress not only on the perfectionist, but also on others around him/her.
b. Having a spirit of excellence differs from perfectionism in that the world, people in it, and methods that are used to accomplish things are not seen in an unrealistic view. A woman with a spirit of excellence realizes that some things, people, circumstances and methods are beyond her control, and can go awry. Yet, she strives to do her part in assuring that she functions in such a way as to please God and accomplish what is set before her by prioritizing her time and tasks, delegating what she cannot do to others, and allowing them room enough to make mistakes and to do things differently to accomplish the end goal to glorify God and endeavor to keep the peace whenever and however possible.
9. When and how do I say no without feeling guilty?
a. When someone asks you to do something that is contrary to God’s Word and will for your life, say no. When someone asks you to do something that is beyond your ability to comprehend or to do, say no. When someone asks you to give him or her something you do not have and cannot get, say no. When someone gives you an assignment to do, and you already have a stack of incomplete tasks that are not just more important, but are higher in priority, say no. These are just a few examples, but you will know when to say no if you are more sensitive to God’s voice speaking to you than you are to people speaking to you or not because they are upset with you or are shocked because you said, “No.”
b. While you are at home alone, look in the mirror and practice saying no in order to get comfortable with the sound of the word and the way your face looks when you say it. Say it with confidence and enough volume to convince yourself that you really mean it.
c. Don’t allow others to make you feel guilty and don’t put a guilt trip on yourself. (Romans 8:1: “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”)
10.I married my high school sweetheart and we have had personality conflicts and are considering separation. How do I cope with this?
a. Just as each person has a unique fingerprint and DNA structure, so does each person have a unique personality. Men and women differ in thought patterns, emotional responses, needs, physical anatomy, and even in our spiritual needs and desires. Your commitment to each other before God should supercede any personality conflict because of your unconditional love for each other. The honeymoon phase soon passes away, but the covenant of marriage because of the vows that were made should weather any storm (Ruth 1:16-17: “Entreat me not to leave you…”)
b. A conflict of personalities is not a biblical reason to separate. When couples consider separation without a biblically justifiable cause, it becomes that much easier to consider divorce. (Read Matthew 19:1-10 and I Corinthians 7:1-16 and allow God to speak to you.)
c. Change your mindset and attitude toward your husband (even if he does not change his) and let love cover a multitude of faults and sins by loving him in a way that will please God. Ask God for His help and do your part too. (“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all sins.” Proverbs 10:12)
Chapter Two
Marriage is Hard Work
I was very naïve during my first year of marriage. Young people may think they know it all at age 18, but the reality is, we know absolutely nothing. In fact, the older I became, the more I realized that I had much to learn about myself as well as the man with whom I had chosen to live for the rest of my life, and oh, what lessons I would learn indeed!
My First Test as a Wife
I didn’t quite know what I should do as a new wife, but thank God that I did have common sense and an insatiable desire to read. After my husband and I had broken the news to our parents about our elopement, my husband moved in with me at my parents’ house for a short time until we could find a place of our own. Leslie owned his own construction business and had an office located in the Wythe section of Hampton on Kecoughtan Road. As you could imagine, he did not feel comfortable staying at my parents’ home and neither did I, now that I was married. In fact, it was quite awkward. So, here comes my first test as a new wife, for better or worse, as my husband said, “I am going to build a platform for a bed and put a sink in the back room of my office. Are you willing to live with me here?” (He then showed me the small, dark and bare room.) “Just imagine what it will look like and remember that it will only be temporary until we can find a better place,” he confidently said.
Well, what’s a girl, especially a newly married one to say? I thought to myself, If I say no, I’ll hurt him, and he may question my love for him. I just as confidently replied (though inwardly I wondered, “What next?”), “Sure, if that’s what we need to do, that’s what we’ll do.”
Lesson 8: God is Omnipotent and your words are potent, so always think before you speak.
Proverbs 18:21:
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.”
The next thing I knew, I was driving to the store one day around the corner from my parents’ house and I suddenly had to pull over and stop the car, throw open the door and get rid of everything that was in my stomach! Oh no, I’ve got the flu. I really don’t need this. I have too much to do. You see, I was attending my first semester at Old Dominion University then, as a Computer Science major (only because that’s the degree my sister graduated with from there, and I always admired her). The next day as I went through the tunnel, I got nauseous. When I came home, I told my dad that I had the flu, and of course, he looked at me and calmly said, “You’re probably pregnant.” How could that be? I was on birth control pills. “Impossible!” I quickly replied.
My Reality Check
I was eighteen years old, married, pregnant and attending college. What happened, and why did it happen so fast? After our October wedding (the official church wedding after we eloped), I went to the doctor and found out I was indeed a little over two months pregnant. How could this be and why me? I took birth control pills, but little did I know that I should have started on them before we consummated our marriage. My dad was right and my husband and I both were shocked. Besides, we didn’t even have a chance to talk about children or put together a plan as to when we wanted to have any and how many!
Lesson 9: Think of everything that you want and need to know about your spouse-to-be and discuss it preferably before you get married, including your sex life, where you will attend church, your family background, how you will set up your finances, communication problems, where you can afford to live, how many children you desire to have, how many times a week you desire to be intimate, career goals, future dreams, and whatever else is important to the both of you.
Luke 14:28-30:
“For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’”
Thankfully, my husband had worked and gotten enough money to rent a brand new apartment he had found in Coliseum Gardens. I still remember the address: 149 #2 Pine Chapel Road. I believe that God honored my willingness to move into the back room of my husband’s business office, and because I said “Yes” He also said “Yes” and allowed us to have our own place away from our parents and his business associates.
Lesson 10: Learn how to trust God by faith despite your cares or concerns and allow His peace to settle in your mind and heart.
Hebrews 11:6:
“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”
John 14:27:
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
Ephesians 1:4:
“Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love.”
Philippians 4:6-7:
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
Newly Wed and Overfed
My husband and I did not know what to expect when we first got married. We had no pre-marital or post-marital counseling to let us know the proper role of a husband and a wife. All we knew is what we had seen watching our own parents communicate, and like most couples at first, I believe we had false expectations of what we both thought the other should do or be, but by God’s grace, we tried our best. I did not have anyone to talk to me about sex and my mother dared not say anything because it was such a taboo subject back then, especially in the church. I determined then that if I ever had daughters I would openly and honestly share with them whatever they needed and/or wanted to know on an age-appropriate level. And my husband … well, his father kind of had a talk with him, but he did it in the most humorous and embarrassing way possible, according to my husband’s recollection.
Lesson 11: “Sex” and “Submission” may both start with an “s” but they are not dirty words! Ephesians 5:17-21 will prepare you to do whatever you need to do as unto the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:1-4:
“Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
Ephesians 5:22-24:
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
Ephesians 5:33:
“Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Colossians 3:18-19:
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.”
Everybody else tried to offer his or her advice on how our marriage should be (as most people will do). We finally agreed that the only foundation we could stand upon individually and together as husband and wife was the Word of God. The Bible became our counsel, but we still had a lot to learn.
Lesson 12: Never beat up your spouse or anyone else with the Holy Bible! Let the Holy Spirit do His job as the Counselor.
John 16:13-14:
“However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. He will glorify Me, for He will take of what is Mine and declare it to you.”
Not only were we newly weds, but we were overfed—not with the Word of God necessarily, but with every kind of food you can imagine. Once I found out I was pregnant, I think both my husband and I craved everything in sight! Ironically, I only weighed 115 pounds at five feet and five three-quarter inches when I graduated from high school. My husband wined (okay ...scratch the wine) and dined me before we got married. He even had stuffed animals, different colors of roses and a variety of flowers I wasn’t familiar with, delivered to my high school. All the teachers were buzzing about it, and one day the vice-principal hand delivered some to me in class. A few of them found out I was engaged and tried to talk me out of it, but my senior class sponsor and another of my favorite teachers that I worked with as Class Secretary came to our “church wedding.”
By the time we had gotten married, I weighed 125 pounds. Not bad you might say, and I would agree, but when I went to the doctor’s office and found out I was pregnant, I was up to 148 pounds!
Now I don’t encourage anyone to do this, but here is what happened—unfortunately. My sister Renee` and I were pregnant at the same time, so we decided to eat together often. Since my husband loved to cook and we loved to eat, many times he would fix food that tasted so good to us that we would sit down in the middle of our second floor apartment, pregnant and all, and eat whatever he fixed, especially large bowls of Yok (an East end Newport News cuisine). It got so bad, that my husband was steadily gaining weight, too, but not as much as I did. By the time I was nine months pregnant, I weighed a whopping 216 pounds—my heaviest weight, that I honestly know of. Leslie and I began to call each other “Maw and Paw Kettle!”
Lesson 13: It is important to keep yourself in physical shape. The older you are and the longer you wait to lose weight, the harder it will be.
1 Timothy 4:8:
“For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.”
Some ask me even today if I could do it all over again, would I still get married at age eighteen. All I can say is you have to know in your heart of hearts the will of God for your own life, even in the midst of the many voices you hear. Besides, I would find out much later and after my children graduated from high school, that I was still young enough to enjoy them and enjoy life at a different level. We may not understand everything and know why things happen the way they do half of the time (although we are responsible for our choices), but God understands everything and knows what He is doing and why all the time.
Isaiah 55:8-9:
“‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,’ says the Lord. ‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.’”
Lesson 14: “The quality of your decisions will determine the quality of your life; therefore, choose wisely.”—Bishop L. W. Francisco III
Deuteronomy 30:19-20:
“I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”
This passage of scripture was instrumental in the life of my husband in particular, and in our marriage. Since the husband is priest of the home, it is his primary responsibility to lead his family by example in righteousness. God impressed this scripture upon my husband’s heart one day while he was in our apartment alone. He spoke to and ministered to Him as never before. My husband was already saved, but after that day, I saw and experienced a life and a relationship with God first and then my husband, that would change our lives forever. But instead of things immediately getting better, they got worse!
Moments of Meditation (Just for Your Journal)
•Marriage is a commitment that involves a covenant between a man and a woman as husband and wife. God’s original plan was for the husband and wife to be one flesh, committed to each other until death parts them. If you are married, think of three things that you can do as a wife that will cause your marriage to become more unified. Write down what you will do in your journal and decide to consistently practice the same three things until they become a habit.
•If you are unmarried, think of three things you can do to honor God this week as your husband. Write them in your journal as well and implement them. What difference do you believe these changes will make in your relationship with the Lord?
•Sometimes we can make choices at a young age that will impact our future for years to come. Think of a negative decision that you made that is, perhaps, still plaguing you. What emotions does that decision invoke in you? List one way that you can reverse the negative effect(s) that decision has made on your life and put it into action this week.
•The benefits of regular exercise are many. What can you do that you are not currently doing in order to become physically fit? Choose someone who can be your accountability partner and come up with a plan this week to improve your physical health. Consult a physician if necessary.
Prayer Requests (Journal Jotting)
I John 5:14-15: “Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us, And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.”
Jot down a list of prayer requests in your journal that are focused around the lessons you learned from Chapter Two. Include these requests in your daily prayer time and thank God for hearing and answering them according to His plan and timing for your life.
Answered Prayer (Joy Jotting)
Expect to receive an answer from God regarding your needs and desires that are in agreement with His will according to I John 5:14-15. Learn to look for, expect and live a miracle everyday. Take the time during your journaling to jot down every miracle (answered prayer) and remember to rejoice in and thank God for Who He is, not just for what He will do or has done.