Dysaffirmations
Because this kind of stupid takes work!
By:
Lee Reyes-Fournier
Paul Reyes-Fournier
www.coupledumb.com
Copyright 2009 by Lee and Paul Reyes-Fournier
Smashwords Edition
Lee and Paul Reyes-Fournier
Copyright 2009 by Lee and Paul Reyes-Fournier
Smashwords Edition
ISBN: 0-615-31653-0
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the authors.
For information please contact CoupleDumb at http://www.coupledumb.com.
Claim submitted to the United States Copyright Office in 3/2009.
Photography: Alexander Camman
Table of Contents
Introduction
Misery Worksheet
Dysaffirmations
Dysaffirmation Defined
But why a Dysaffirmation?
Introduction
Congratulations on your commitment to be dysfunctional! We realize individuals like you make very few declarative sentences and the idea that you will actually commit to something is amazing. We are here to support this monumental decision and will assist your slow decline into misery in any way we can.
The purpose of the dysaffirmation is to hone in on your true dysfunction. Read them all and see which ones resonate with you. Some will feel more comfortable than others and some will be almost a verbatim transcription of the things you tell yourself. Those are the ones you will focus on and they will ultimately bring you the melancholia you seek.
Do not fool yourself, dysfunction is time consuming and this kind of stupid takes work. You must find the right dysaffirmation and repeat it several times every day until it feels like a pair of comfortable shoes.
You are ready to embark on your journey of a million tears so turn the page and begin your descent.
Misery Worksheet
Goal: I am committed to being miserable and alone. To accomplish this goal, I will try unsuccessfully to do the following:
Where do you see yourself in 5 years: (Please create an outrageous expectation that includes a relationship, career, happiness and other things you can’t imagine now.)
List 5 goals: (Preferably goals that are just out of reach)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
How many people will you disappoint in the next 1-3 months? _______
List their names:
Misery loves company, so list the people who will help you maintain a constant level of unease and sadness in your life:
Giving up everything to live for is difficult, and we just have no faith in your ability, so please list 5 ways how you will sabotage any of your successes:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
To save time, I will stop brushing my teeth since no one will be kissing me anyway.
############################
Vulnerability is a sign of weakness.
I will compete with my partner for our children’s affection.
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I am not a fan of me.
I will not blame my mother for my mental illness. My father helped too.
############################
I will deny people who seek my blessing in an effort to teach them to be resilient.
Hope is for the beautiful and rich.
###########################
When I perseverate, I remind myself that I don’t have ADD.
I am a soulless meat-sack.
###########################
Resentment is the cream in my coffee.
Humanity is inherently evil.
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I will not try.
Today, my relationship will inspire a soap opera.
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Anger is for people who don’t know how to get even.
I am as shallow as a teaspoon.
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Today I will not speak and only use body language to communicate my needs then get angry when people don’t understand me.
I will have children to fill my emptiness and then blame them because I have no free time.
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Today I will choose a random person and imagine they are secretly in love with me. A week later I will break up with them in a semi psychotic rage in front of their friends and family.
I am a bit player in my own life.
###########################
I am disgusted by anyone who would have sex with me.
If I don’t do it perfectly the first time, I will stop trying.
###########################
As a child, my imaginary friends ignored me.
In an effort to garner sympathy, I will wear an eye-patch.
###########################
My financial plan includes begging, borrowing and stealing.
If it looks right, it must be right.
###########################
I will see my happiness through other people’s jealousy.
Today I will use obscenities and gross gesticulation to make my point.
###########################
I will seize the day with bullying and intimidation.
I will strive to be financially successful but spiritually bankrupt.
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Magic, like happiness, is just another lie we tell our children.
If people knew how stupid I was, they would hate me.
###########################
Money buys you love.
I will define myself by the uses of my genitalia.
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I will join support groups to compare victim stories and embellish to make me more pitiful.
I will merge my weight loss goals with my financial goals by not eating.
###########################
I am the napkin ring in the place setting of life.
I will substitute facts with self righteousness.
###########################
Today, pain and suffering will be my mantra.
I will take a stand against nature and water my plants with bleach.
###########################
Sleeping is for lazy people.
I purposefully fail to avoid positive attention.
###########################
I will substitute love for other four letter words.
We will never integrate our personalities.
###########################
I will ignore the obvious.
Mother Nature is an intolerant bitch!
###########################
Today I will take credit for other’s success.
Today I will be the consensus breaker wherever I get an opportunity so that people will remember me.
###########################
Money is the only measurement of success.
Today I will constantly reject myself.
###########################
Today I will dull the pain with carbohydrates.
I will harbor resentments and ruminate on my awful childhood.
###########################
If God wanted us to eat healthy, he wouldn’t have invented fast food.
The glass is empty.
###########################
I will merge my financial goals with my need for a relationship and have sex for money.
Responsibility is for people without imagination.
###########################
Being rude is a virtue.
Feelings are nature’s way of telling you that you are inferior.
###########################
Success is fleeting and was probably a mistake anyway.
There is not enough.
###########################
I will be happier when I lose _______ pounds.
My contribution to the universe is displacement.
###########################
My parents were right. I will never amount to anything.
Today I will make people pay for my pain.
###########################
I will strive to be a burden on my friends.
Today, anger will be my driving force.
###########################
My illness makes me relevant.
It is only when I give that people will love me.
###########################
Black covers flab.
I am like my teeth; yellow and rotting.
###########################
My relationship with God is that of a battered spouse.
Stealing is simply undeclared income.
###########################
I will finally decide between a gun or pills.
I will see myself as wealthy as long as I have checks.
###########################
If love is king, then I am a pauper.
All successful people are phony.
###########################
A friend is someone who hasn’t really gotten to know me.
If I’m beautiful on the outside, I will eventually be beautiful on the inside.
###########################
My first impressions are always repulsive.
For attention, I will cry at the slightest provocation.
###########################
The only reason my family talks to me is because I can give them a kidney.
Self respect is overrated.
###########################
I was made in the image of God which makes him overweight and petty.
My age is just another indication of how close I am to death.
###########################
I avoid mirrors because my image laughs at me.
People who compliment me are really laughing behind my back.
###########################
My perversions make me interesting.
I will seize the day to prove my inadequacies.
###########################
Boney is sexy.
Failure is not an option.
###########################
Toxic relationships beat loneliness.
I am illusive, ambiguous and un-diagnosable by psychologists.
###########################
I am stupid.
If the government can steal, so can I.
###########################
I will not let reality interfere with my negative self perception.
Today I will shore my resolve with self loathing and envy.
###########################
My perfection gives me the right to be judgmental.
To avoid pain, I will embrace drugs and alcohol.
###########################
I refuse to listen to anything positive about me.
I can pay for pleasure and happiness.
###########################
I will make my partner want to punch me today to show their love.
Today, I will aspire to feel ennui.
###########################
My childhood was perfect.
To avoid contentment, I will keep my goals just out of reach.
###########################
Technology was created to mock me.
I am empowered by fear.
###########################
Food is my medicine.
I cannot change for the better, so why try.
###########################
I will be leery of nice people and seek out abusive and irrational people.
I will be forgotten.
###########################
God hates ugly people.
Today, I will get my way through pouting.
###########################
My parents wished I was adopted.
I should not be allowed to breed.
###########################
I will give myself to God because people don’t like me.
Mooching is not spending.
###########################
Awful memories are less frightening than future experiences.
I will feed my children lead so they won’t be smarter than me.
###########################
Alcohol is my only friend.
Today, I will strive to be a thorn in a side.
###########################
You can’t fail if you don’t try.
Today, I will choose one person and stand too close to them to make them feel uncomfortable.
###########################
All the good jobs are taken by those people.
I will drive 15 miles under the speed limit so that people will talk to me.
###########################
Today, I will love my body…at least 3 times…adding lubricant, if necessary.
I will be grateful for gravity because it is the only thing that holds me.
###########################
Today, I will organize my collection of self deprecating t-shirts.
Today, I will lessen my financial woes by paying one card with another.
###########################
My panic gives me an edge.
Plastic surgery is God’s way of saying He makes mistakes.
###########################
I will consider things evil and abominations to God if I don’t understand them.
I am grateful for my lactose intolerance because it gives me something to talk about.
###########################
I will be appreciated when I’m dead.
I define myself by my outcomes.
###########################
Today, I will ignore my personal hygiene to concentrate my acerbic personality.
Today, I will contact former lovers and tell them I have an STD just to hear their voices.
###########################
I will use physical discomfort to heighten my focus.
(sigh)………..(sigh)………….(sigh)…………
###########################
I will make to-do lists and keep them as a constant reminder of my failure.
Marriage is a Turkish prison and I’m smuggling hash.
###########################
As long as I have two good hands, I don’t need anybody.
Today, I should give up.
###########################
Taking care of myself is someone else’s job.
My partner is cheating on me.
###########################
Today I celebrate my mediocrity.
Do weeds blossom?
###########################
My physical attributes are a visible manifestation of my inner ugliness.
Death is a forfeit in the game of life.
###########################
I will keep reliving my past glories.
Being wealthy is more important than being happy.
###########################
I will surround myself with people who use and pity me.
My lack of character is my trademark.
###########################
I will give mixed messages because variety is the spice of life.
Discord and jealousy are the cornerstones of a relationship.
###########################
People envy my ability to minimize my faults and maximize my shortcomings.
No one will ever love me for my mind.
###########################
What my parents do not handle, I will put off on my children.
What I lack in persuasiveness I make up in volume.
###########################
My siblings introduce me as an acquaintance because they are secretly jealous of me.
Today, I will be a role model for failure.
###########################
I will rely on luck for success.
Sex is a weapon and I am unarmed.
###########################
Denial and repression are my friends.
I will supplant a truly intimate relationship with a cat.
###########################
Today, I will identify my race and ethnicity as misanthrope.
My therapist doesn’t like me.
###########################
If history is our teacher, then martyrdom is the way to go.
The only acceptable outcome is perfection.
###########################
I will never have enough.
I will avoid any activity that may raise my self esteem.
###########################
Violence is just unbridled passion.
I will never change.
###########################
In a relationship, I will settle for pity and greed.
I am a trash barge adrift on a polluted ocean.
###########################
I will have unrealistic expectations for my children.
I will fill my void with booze, sex, and fill in the blank.
###########################
I will secretly revel in the failure of others.
Today, I will start a failing business.
###########################
I will punish my parents by having children.
Negative attention is still attention.
###########################
Today, I will find a partner by sharing my body indiscriminately.
Yesterday was painful. Tomorrow is terrifying. Today is just another disappointment.
###########################
If I work hard enough, no one will notice who I really am.
I am
2 fat
+ 2 stupid
4 love
###########################
Today I will start a fire to feel in control.
I will never know whether if it is better to give than receive.
###########################
I will ignore the growth.
I am defined by popular culture.
###########################
I will define my worth by the car I drive.
Today, I will attain notoriety regardless of what I have to do.
###########################
In an effort to maintain my dysfunction, I will live in the past.
The mess from the gun will be someone else’s problem.
###########################
My lack of intelligence is to blame for my lot in life.
I am not worthy of being faithful to.
###########################
I will never have happiness because I have no money.
Feelings are only effective if expressed to an extreme.
###########################
A crush is as good as a commitment.
I will get use to it.
###########################
Today, I will seriously consider pulling the car to the left.
I deserve my misery.
###########################
In love and sex, it’s the quantity not the quality.
Ignoring a problem is a solution.
###########################
Today, I will pamper myself and maybe a little powder, too.
Children are new people that I can disappoint.
###########################
Medication is for people not committed to their dysfunction.
Without my work, I am nothing.
###########################
I will pray for memory loss so that I do not need to relive my past.
I would prefer my child’s friendship than respect.
###########################
I will encourage people to abandon their dreams to feel better about my own failures.
If I fight back they’ll stop loving me.
###########################
All wealthy people are lucky thieves.
Today I will focus on all my physical flaws.
###########################
I will never meet my expectations.
My failures are my pillow and my shame is my blanket.
###########################
My response to everything today will be things I should have said to my abusive parents.
My money makes me attractive.
###########################
Loneliness is better than an apology.
Drugs are good if used to enhance your body.
###########################
I will seek out destructive relationships because that is what I deserve.
No one can help me.
###########################
I will agree with people just to please them.
Today, I will surround myself with the synthetic beauty of the world.
###########################
Today, I will succumb to all temptations.
I will see my body as a temple to a very ugly God.
###########################
Friends and family are only one phone-call from disowning me.
I will read the Bible for secret violent messages and ignore the obvious.
############################
My parents gave me the gift of life but neglected to give me the receipt.
I will combat all negativity with brutal violence.
############################
I will hide my racism by protesting with misspelled signs about things I know nothing about.
If today was O.K..tomorrow will definitely bring pain.
############################
If people need love to survive, I died a long time ago.
I have the impulse control of a crack head.
###########################
Life is like a box of chocolates laced with glass shards.
Being paranoid is an alternative lifestyle and should be respected.
###########################
Since I will probably get the same results, I will approach life like a sky diver without a parachute.
Sex is an opportunity to disappoint two people at once.
###########################
I will ignore the obvious and embrace the obscure.
I will watch Fox News until I am certain I am a Jew in Nazi Germany.
###########################
The louder I yell the righter I am.
I will blow out my candles and wish that it will be the last time I do this.
###########################
I will pray for a peanut allergy.
Warning: May contain nuts.
###########################
People are talking about me in the third person.
I will wrap my loneliness around me like a barbed wire blanket.
###########################
I will resist the urge by taking the candy out of the van.
I will crush God under my heel, the fickle bitch.
###########################
In order to reach my goal weight I will eat all my meals off a hooker’s ass.
Every day is just another opportunity for the other shoe to drop.
###########################
I will embrace my power and wield my authority by crushing my children.
I will shave my head and visit treatment centers to find short term friends.
###########################
I will not allow others to love me.
Since sex sells, I will put myself on a clearance rack.
###########################
My meals will reflect my life, bland and flavorless.
Friendship is Latin for potential disappointment.
###########################
I will condemn the Jews, gays, women, liberals, children, elderly, liberals, conservatives, foreigners, Muslims, all middle easterners, all brown people, all ethnicities other than mine except on Sundays because that's the Lord's day and He can handle them.
Today I will switch it up. Instead of whining, I will be cruel and nasty.
###########################
One mania is as good as another.
The wrong crowd is always available for a party.
###########################
Indulging in alcohol, drugs and sex is only bad for the wallet.
I have never met a vice I didn't like.
###########################
Being a complete failure is still an accomplishment.
Being happy and relaxed is a myth sold to us by the travel industry.
###########################
I am not willing to change just because it is "better" for me.
My secrets are partly delusion and mostly fantasies.
###########################
A Facebook poke is as good as sex in real life but less anonymous.
Change is the enemy to self-pity.
###########################
Just because something is right doesn't mean that I need to shut up.
Never has someone taken so much and given so little to so few.
###########################
The louder I am the less I need to say.
Nothing good comes from trying.
###########################
I don't need evidence when I have paranoia.
I will base my happiness on the number of friends I have on Facebook.
###########################
140 characters sums up my life with 139 to spare.
I would rather be feared than loved.
###########################
The universe is full of scary things all of which are after me.
I will give up long before starting.
###########################
Crossing the finish line and spiking the ball are highly overrated.
My children owe me a debt of gratitude…and money.
###########################
The more I sacrifice, the more people will love me.
I am committed to feeling miserable and having other feel it too.
###########################
I will teach my children to be mistrustful and cynical so they can fit in.
I will react violently to change and become catatonic if questioned.
###########################
Hope is stupid.
I will not evolve.
###########################
I will actively ignore people who ignore me.
To give myself importance, I will announce my comings and goings.
###########################
I will multitask by being half-assed at many things.
Authority is given to the pretty and skinny.
###########################
I will spend 5 hours of my 8 hour workday complaining of how overworked I am.
Being passive aggressive is just as good as being assertive.
###########################
My talent stops at my neck.
Love is just another way of saying horny.
###########################
Dating is a numbers game and I suck at math.
My social network status is as honest as I want to get.
###########################
I wish my life was as good as my Facebook status.
I will strive to be a monumental failure because mediocrity is not enough.
###########################
My vices make me interesting.
Without makeup and foundation wear I cannot leave the house.
###########################
I don't care.
My mission statement is an incomplete phrase.
###########################
My personal goals are assigned by others.
My vision of the world is limited by my astigmatism.
###########################
I will only give to charities that give personal recognition.
Attention to detail only applies to criticism.
###########################
I am in competition with everything.
I will offer unconditional love to those who deserve it.
###########################
If I am perfect around my children, they should be perfect around me.
I will never be too old to disappoint my parents.
###########################
I show my love by being needy and clingy.
My perfect partner is married to someone else.
###########################
Everyone is dysfunctional so why try being healthy.
Home is where the heartache is.
###########################
The less I wear the more popular I am.
If ever I feel good about myself, I will go visit my parents.
###########################
Maniacal is as close to happy as I get.
Dysaffirmation Defined
A dysaffirmation is a dysfunctional affirmation. As you know, an affirmation is a phrase, statement or suggestion that is repeated with the intention of making it a reality. Most people believe affirmations are some New Age hocus pocus that is as useful as sea monkeys. The truth is that there is some serious science behind affirmations and they actually work.
When we repeat an affirmation we create neural pathways which are like your brains version of a trail. As we repeat the statements, the neurons fire in certain order creating a pattern and routine. As they say, neurons that fire together wire together. You are literally rewiring your brain! This routine becomes automatic and part of who we are.
But why a Dysaffirmation?
There are individuals in this world committed to living miserable lives. In fact most people have areas of their lives that just don’t seem to work. We create beliefs about ourselves and the world and these beliefs become negative affirmations, or dysaffirmations. We then rewire our brains and are convinced this is the only way of doing things. We are doomed!
We at CoupleDumb.com are committed to healthy relationships. The dysaffirmations are funny ways to show that some people, even you, really believe these things. These are what Victor Frankl talked about as paradoxical intentions. He posited that if we become aware of our dysfunction, we can fix it; especially when we come face to face with the absurdity of it.
So you see, dysaffirmations aren’t just funny, they’re good for you, too!